Infatuation and love

[vaneramos]

This post started as a comment to one of my friends.

I'm no authority on love. I've made my share of mistakes. I've fallen into infatuation so many times that I believed it was the only way for me, that I was doomed to always fall hard and fast and far, to feel hopelessly lost, to blaze like a brush fire, drive people away with my passionate need, and finally smoulder alone.

When someone is sexually attracted to another person, there is a rush of body chemistry. The level of certain neurotransmitters increases in the brain. This causes sleeplessnes. It causes the heart to beat faster. Often it's just a brief flutter, but sometimes two people connect more profoundly and it builds to overwhelming proporitions. What you're feeling is a natural response. It will not kill you. I have tried so hard to understand my own feelings that I researched and wrote an essay on the chemistry of love.

If two people become romantically involved, these feelings can help them start to form a bond. Otherwise you are left with a body chemically charged for mating with no one to focus that energy upon.

Infatuation often happens when we meet someone who seems to fulfill unresolved emotional needs. This relates to our own incomplete development, and is not particularly flattering to the person we're focused on. It gets in the way because it causes people to behave differently from how they usually are. It's not the best way of getting to know someone. When those heady hormonal feelings are manageable, they can serve as a prelude to something deeper, but they do not last forever. I have learned to associate them more with sexual need than with emotional fulfilment.

The kind of love that lasts doesn't come in a rush, but over time, from getting to know a person. Love without infatuation is a gentle feeling. It feels happy, and it is kind to the one who is loved. It does not make demands or seek to possess him.

I think I'm in love right now. It's different from anything I have felt before. For various reasons I bypassed the infatuation stage when I met him in July, mostly because I didn't expect anything to happen between us. We made no demands of one another, we just liked being together. I felt the sexual rush, but it never latched on and dug in, it just felt like an overtone to good sex. The friendship evolved and the sex kept feeling terrific. Some other emotions came, but they were much slower to develop. I sincerely believe that if our romantic relationship could not continue, we would still be good friends, because friendship seems like the biggest part of what we already have.

I'm 39, and I didn't think I would ever learn. But I'm happy with someone now, and also happy in the growing confidence that, whatever happens with him, I am lovable and will not be alone in the future.

Comments

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

This is an excellent, excellent post (of course, that's not unusual for your posts anyway) and I agree completely. I'm really happy for you, too.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Lisa. It's so encouraging to hear this post makes sense to you. You seem wise in the ways of love. It's exciting to hear how things are still evolving between you and Ken after seven years. I think that is a mark of health in a relationship, because it shows both of you are open to change. I expect life is more rewarding that way.

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

Yes, I agree with you. Rewarding, exciting, and full of growth within the relationship and within the individuals involved. I was very lucky and stumbled into this relationship but I've learned a lot from it and have been amazed at my own maturing within it. If for some reason Ken and I weren't together next week, I'd be a different and more healthy and happy person in any future intmiate relationship because, having known how it can be, I don't think I could settle for less than this now. I'd rather be "alone" (in the sense of not having a live in lover) than settle or be less than my full self because of wanting to please someone. I'm really glad about that, too.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's like being travellers on a journey of discovery. I don't expect Danny to make my life complete, but I am happier with him. That's partly because of certain qualities about him, and partly because his company brings me into a fuller sense of who I am. I want to make him happy, but only by expressing myself, not by changing myself to suit him. Like you, I hope I never settle for anyone who fails to inspire me this way.

[ranger1.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this, Van. It is touching and eloquent, especially for a topic that can be so confusing. It also reminds me of some of our talks.

You are quite loveable indeed, and so much more. And your love is a kind and wonderful man in his own right. I'm glad you two are finding happiness together.

[twillhead.livejournal.com]

This post is beautifully articulated. Thank you so much for sharing it.

[lfkbear.livejournal.com]

I loved reading this, and hearing about how you're in love now.

I sorta feel like I bypassed the infatuation phase with Shane. Without planning it, we went directly to dealing with each other as men with flaws and issues. For me, the infatuation phase is often when everyhing and everyone is perfect. Breaking out of that phase can be brutal, because I tend to be racked with fear of not being able to survive reality with a man. Going directly to realness feels better. Wiser, even. Shane knew from day-one what my baggage is... and vice versa.

People have shared their doubts about Shane and me, mostly because of the distance. And I always say this... I don't look for him to fill or complete my life. I don't love him because of a lacking I feel. I love him because he complements all that is happening... good, bad, and otherwise. He fits.

And as someone who has the good fortune to get to know you a bit, I'd have to say, wholeheartedly, that you're quite lovable. You will never be alone.

xo

[jaique.livejournal.com]

Oh, this just made me smile. :-)

[djjo.livejournal.com]

Smooch and love you Van.

I'll be turning 36 soon. I'm just learning some of these lessons myself.

I personally never thought I could love another person or have strong emotions for them, and still be in love with Bill. It was something I could not let myself chance, because I didn't want to change how I felt about Bill.

Then Van you came into my life, and those ideas changed. I allowed myself, little bits at a time, to feel for you, and to let my emotions come. And it hasn't changed how I feel about Bill, but it has changed how I feel about myself. New ideas and new possibilities are now here.

There is passion, there are sparks, but it's not the blazing fire, more like slow embers. (very suited to my zodiac sign I hear!)

Most of all, it's the quietness, and rightness that I feel. When I think of you, it's doesn't make me loose my head, it makes me feel calmed and quiet and happy. I feel right in my love, and right in my feelings.

Where things will go, I can't say. I'm just looking forward to having you along for a part of my journey.

Big hugs and sending warm snuggle thoughts your way.
Danny

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and we're due for one of our talks!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're welcome, it wanted to be said.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It has been nice reading about your romance with Shane. I'm glad that you have found someone you can be real with. The distance is a challenge, but maybe it's a good thing.

Even though Danny is only 90 minutes away, we can only see each other two or three times a month, and in certain ways that is good for me. It means I can't get distracted too much from other life issues, it keeps me grounded in the solitude I need to do my creative work, and it certainly makes me appreciate him. I like the good feelings I get thinking about our visits, like right now, looking forward to seeing him later this week. During these stretches of time apart, I have to keep working on liking my own company, which is fundamental to enjoying being with another person.

Best wishes with Shane. I look forward to seeing how things work out for you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Glad I could do that!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're most welcome!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I remember how cautious you were about your feelings, and it ran against my nature to interfere. That was one of the reasons I didn't expect much, which kept me in a different headspace and allowed my own feelings to develop they way they have: admiration and tenderness more than anything. It has made me feel different about myself, too. You draw out parts of me that I like.

[lfkbear.livejournal.com]

It seems like we've both found terrific men who bring out the best in us. What can be better? I love reading about you and your special guy. I love knowing that he enhances your life in a way that works well for you.

Here's to both of us enjoying a long, loving time with our respective men.

HUGS