Alone or lonely

[vaneramos]

I let djjo go onto the bus back to Toronto a couple hours ago. For the first time our parting hit me hard. I probably won't see him again until Dec. 30. This was on my mind while we hung out at the bar last night, and on waking this morning I felt miserable.

The feeling took me by surprise. Generally I haven't minded the distance (75 kilometres, $46 for a round-trip bus ticket and transit, and about 2 hours door to door). I like having time and space to myself. I haven't overcommitted myself or given up my independence to Danny, which is a good thing. But now I won't see him for more than three weeks, and I don't like it.

One of his delightful qualities is his contentment with simple amusements like knitting, photography and comfort food. He has a serious side, but is not given to philosophical rants as are the men in his life. But whenever I have something weighty to talk about, he has the best of ears. He is an empathic listener. Without our talking about our feelings, he is usually more aware of mine than I am of his. This is, of course, my inheritance from an insensitive family. At least I'm learning.

This morning, once we were both awake enough to talk about it, Danny expressed this about our relationship: "You have the harder road." When we can't be together, he still has bitterlawngnome and danthered, the family he lives with. I lack that. We both recognized this from the beginning.

Maybe I would be better off living in a household of people. Recent affairs have reminded me that solitude lets me avoid my problems getting along with others. I don't want to paint this picture entirely dark. Living alone has also taught me some invaluable lessons: how to enjoy my own company, and how to look after myself. This has improved my relationships. The journey is so essential that I might choose to live alone always. If I do, I must be prepared for the sacrifices, and for the extra effort involved in staying connected.

The thing I fear most is feeling alone in the world. Maybe that's why waiting 23 days to see him bothers me.

Our pillow talk reassured me. As long as we have phones and email, we can stay in touch. A voice isn't the same as a cuddle, but it helps pass the time.

Here is one of my most important life lessons from the past few years: one can be alone without being lonely, and one can be lonely without being alone. Realizing the difference allowed me to start separating the two. We cannot always be around people we love, but dispelling loneliness usually only requires simple proactive behaviour.

Comments

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is so going on my Memories list.

*HUGS*

And what impeccable timing you have, sir…

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Danny sounds empathic and wonderful; not surprising, given who else he hangs out with (you most definitely included), but good to hear again.

And you, my friend, remain as insightful and amazing as always. Big hugs to hold you through the next three weeks.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, always glad to offer a heartening word.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Pete.

[jaique.livejournal.com]

I've spent enough time in that "feeling alone in the world" place to know that it sucks. What I now see is the whole couching of it that way is rooted in fear. The nice thing about your situation is you get to yearn and to look forward to with excitement--both really cool states.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You've hit it on the head, J.

I have a strange relationship with that yearning feeling as a result of 13 years when I didn't act on it and believed it could never be satisfied. Now that my solitude gets punctuated by experiences of togetherness, the craving has become a happy feeling. It only becomes unpleasant when something triggers my insecurities, and I fall into old patterns of despair. I must foster the attitude of which you speak.