Gandalf the Gay

[vaneramos]

What a grueling trip. Pouring rain and two traffic jams dragged the usual two-and-a-half hour drive to Lindsay into four-and-a-half. I picked the girls up at a quarter to six and we went for dinner at McDonald's.

The trip home went much better, though the last few miles were in fog. By the time we got home I had consumed two-thirds of a roll of Rolaids.

But we had some interesting conversations in the car.

It started with Marian, who is 11, relating some silliness from The Council of Elrond, a website devoted to lampooning The Lord of the Rings movies.

"There was a rumour going around that Gollum was being a matchmaker," she said. "He was trying to hook up the Balrog and Gandalf. But it ended in a fight in the Mines of Moria and they both died."

"Can you imagine being married to the Balrog?" I asked reflectively. "For that matter, can you imagine being married to Gandalf?"

"Did you know Ian McKellan is gay?"

Ummm, yes. First time in a long time she has initiated a discussion about that.

"Yes," I said.

"There's another rumour that [director] Peter Jackson is going to kill off Elrond for being so mean."

"That would cause a fan uprising. He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't kill a major character."

"He killed off Haldir."

"Haldir isn't a major character," I said.

"Yeah, but he's hot."

Somewhere in the ensuing preteen babble, Marian used the word homophobic. The context was too incomprehensible and complicated to reproduce here. But these girls attend a Baptist private school, so I'm glad to hear homophobia is part of Marian's vocabulary.

Then she asked if we could listen to her Avril Lavigne CD on the player. No problem.

"But I reserve the right to take it out after two songs," I said.

I didn't. We listened to the whole thing. It wasn't bad at all. If Madonna is good enough for Marian, then Avril Lavigne is good enough for me.

After that was over, I put in Ray of Light.

"Madonna!" said Marian.

Brenna, who is 9, said, "I thought Madonna was an ancient singer like Beethoven."

Upon our arrival at my apartment.