Death

[vaneramos]

I know it's not a safe or pleasant subject, but it lurks in the back of our minds. Okay, maybe you don't think about it, but I do. Not concretely about the event of death, even though that is the most terrifying part. Mostly it's just a back-of-the-mind undercurrent of anxiety. That all of this will soon be over.

I believe that religion exploits our fear of it. Or worse: teaches us to fear it and then exploits that fear. No question, my sojourn as a Christian originated in that fear. I made a pact with God. At the beginning I didn't know whether I believed in God, but wanted desperately to hold onto something, an anchor against the tide of time sweeping life away.

In the end it is much better to accept the fact of our minds' eventual extinction. This sets us free to live in the present, make the most of these short years we have. Mostly I am good at enjoying what Annie Dillard calls "these few live seasons." As an atheist I find this focus essential. But at times I go through hiccups of fear. It's like my stomach, which is fine for months at a time, and I can eat whatever I want. Then suddenly it decides to reflux, and it keeps backing up and burning and I have to take pills and a good look at my diet.

That's what my anxiety about turning 40 has been all about. I got my eyes off the Now, distracted by all the things I haven't done and might never do.

Worrying this way doesn't do any good. And yet this is one of the biggest mysteries of life. It affects us all every day. We never know whether this will be the last time we will make love, taste our favourite food, or kiss our children goodnight.

I am looking for ways to write about this. The question of how to live in the here and now has always fascinated me, so my favourite writings are those of Rumi, Whitman and Dillard. Even when I start thinking about my favourite fiction writers: LeGuin pops up.

It's a question I tend to avoid most days, and yet I would love more than anything to write one complete work on this theme. Poetic prose perhaps. The difficulty is convincing myself to concentrate and not balk at the intensity of it. I need to spend time reading other people's ideas, questioning, digesting, see what value I can find in them. One of the nice things about the past year is that I have finally begun interacting in a meaningful way with people who hold beliefs different from mine: Christians, pagans, agnostics. Unfortunately I still have low tolerance for people who preach at me, in fact I defriended one LJer who started doing so through email. It wasn't the best way for me to react, but when I consider how I've been treated in the past, I can forgive myself for being a little defensive.

I'm reminded of the Christian lesbian friend who, on learning that I have moved from Christianity to atheism, exclaimed, "Oh Van, I'm so sorry!"

Then I was sorry, because I realized our friendship would offer little opportunity for benefit from discussion, since she saw so little value in my perspective. Atheism is not some kind of terrible, lonely fate. While many Christians find comfort in having a deity who is always there for them, I find comfort in more tangible things. Honestly, I believe what I do because it makes the most sense to me, without the suspensions of logic I experienced in trying to believe something else.

But I don't see any point in grasping at truth in a vacuum, never relating to people who believe differently. I like best when we can share ideas without condescension or insult, knowing that we're all trying to attain greater insight, while not necessarily travelling on the same paths.

For the time being I need to do more frequent free writing exercises. One day recently I wrote for a couple hours and was amazed at what came out, thoughts brewing in the back of my head that seldom make it into written or spoken words. I find it helps to start with a short published exercise here on LJ, because unquestionably the sense of an audience motivates me. In this case it is the notion that my ideas might inspire or encourage someone else. From there I want to move more often into my notebook, where even more fragile ideas may gradually take form.

Here are a couple of exercises I have posted in free_write lately, in case you're interested.

Stars in the dark (March 10)

Awaiting death (March 20)

Comments

[artricia.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful entry. Though I worry about different things, they occur the same way: as intrusions that upset my life and lead me nowhere.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

I worry about death a lot. Not my own, though. I've never been bothered with my own death. I worry about Ranj's mostly, right now. I try not to post about it much because it's intensely boring to anyone but me, I think. I just worry.

Death lurking...

[ranjtheobscure.livejournal.com]

Death does not lurk in the back of my mind. Death is right there, up front. Death is like a nanny. Do I dare do this? Will I wake up tomorrow? But I have a greater urgency, as I have bad 5 year survival numbers, <50%. I am 2 and a half years through already, and with my condition, unlike cancer, the numbers do not get a lot rosier with time.

(One reason I hate Bush with a red fury, Stem Cell Research)

My sweetheart has to deal with it as well. While faith helps, the fearfulness and stress of coping has been unspeakably difficult at times. We have regular tearful conversations, and I cherish every good day we have together. She is more courageous than any military hero.

This is my daily reality-- surviving Stroke, Heartattack x2, Diabetes, Hypertension, and some liver damage from peritonitis 6 years ago.

I cannot feel much of the right side of my body, and some parts are very painful much of the time. I have a big blind spot. My balance is dependent on visual cues. My brain used to be able to do cool tricks it can no longer do, like mathematics.

I do not have health insurance, currently here in corporatist Amerika, but since the next stroke would likely be fatal, maybe that is not as big a problem as it sounds.

What do I do when it gets overwhelming? Usually I go ride my recumbent and take pictures. Sometimes I sit and weep, but that is too hard on my heart, and I try to avoid it.

What should you do, Van?
1. Take an aspirin a day get lots of exercise.
2. Take a big bite out of every good moment.
3. Plan as you can, but do not worry.
4. Say nice things about a government that cares about your health.

Look, you will die. And you only have so many good moments before that happens. If you waste even one, you have let the fear of death take a bit of you before your time.

I am Pagan, and my faith has a fairly straightforward belief system.
But consider this, and maybe it will help. The most 'you' part of you is that information you make, sorting out the world. You have welded part of you to the internet, your friends, and your kids, forever. You have made context, and without context, information sits like hot food in an empty room.

The universe does not allow for the destruction of matter or energy, merely their conversion and or transmission. Information may be similar. Who knows, you may live forever in dark matter.

This universe is so mysterious, despite our science. You do not have to surrender to dogma to surrender to the awe of it.

You will be remembered by those you touched. That truth was a comfort to even those before Christianity, you can read it in Anglo Saxon.

Yeah, at forty you are not a kid anymore. So take care of yourself, eh? But try not to worry about those things you cannot prevent, just live in ways that do not sap your joy of living, and perhaps life will be long enough. And keep your eyes open, you see things well.

Yer friend,
Ranj

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

First of all, let me say this...reading through that entry was like standing in the midst of a cool stream on a summer's day. It was wonderful to let the words and ideas flow over my mind. Thank you, Van.

I totally agree on the fact that the here and now are what matter. It is only recently that I come to this conclusion, and I am currently judging its compatability with my Christian beliefs. Many people I have seen who live for an afterlife do so to the detriment of this one, ignoring things that should be done down here in honor of more esoteric, intangible things. I cannot allow myself the same leisure...the pain, the sensing, the experience of THIS life seems to assault me on all sides some days, and I cannot ignore it.

So now I'm trying to become a "Christian in the now." Who knows if I'll be able to make it work...but it sure will be an interesting journey.

(And from the first comment I made to an entry in your journal -- in which I assumed you were a Christian -- to this point in getting to know more and more of and about you has been a wonderful journey.)

Re: Death lurking...

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Wow...thank you for this comment...this was beautiful and inspirational to me.

You're welcome- RE your Van response...

[ranjtheobscure.livejournal.com]

You can be a Christian in the moment, I believe. In fact, I think the here and now contains the entire universe that is here and now. And in that universe, Christians are welcome.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

Here is a quote I've posted on the wall of my store:

Die while you're alive
and be absolutely dead.
Then do whatever you want:
it's all good.
Bunan

I look forward to death as a new adventure, but I am in no hurry to get there. It'll come when it comes. In the meantime, I am trying to live.

[trospero.livejournal.com]

One can be an athiest without abandoning the understanding that the universe and life are essentially unknowable. Even Christianity acknowledges the fact that the Universe is not knowable. Van, sweets......have you considered how incredibly arrogant it is that man sometimes believes that everything there is to know about the nature of life and the Universe is what his five paltry senses tell him? Since its all we have to gather information about the Cosmos, its easy to think thats all there is. I don't believe for one second that life is as two-dimensional as that: there is much more happening in the Universe than that. Death isn't as simple as it appears, and I doubt anything we perceive is as finite as it looks. Make of that what you will. It is a very comforting thought for me.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting remark. Anxiety comes at us from many different directions.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I remember you posting about it quite recently. I wished I had something more comforting to say, but words can't really take away the fear of such a loss. I suppose all we can do is prepare ourselves to go on. I have found it helpful to consider that no matter what happens, I will find a way forward.

I can relate to your fear a little. Several years ago when I was having trouble with access to my daughters and when they moved away, I used to have nightmares about terrible things happening to them. For some reason it usually involved my younger daughter. I suppose she seemed more vulnerable. At the time it made me realize that even if I lost them altogether I would have to find a way to live. I'm sure I would, and yet that possibility is too monstrous to consider seriously. Somehow I think I am better for having faced it though. Eventually we have to let our loved ones go (particularly children). It helped me learn how to love without being so possessive.

Re: Death lurking...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

This is a beautiful reply, Ranj. Sometimes I have taken comfort in our physical continuity within nature. This is a symbolic immortality. I am happy to know that my physical form will become one with the air, water and soil I love so much. It is useful also to think of how our ideas and creations will have continuity.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow, now I'm curious about when that happened. Do you know? I remember seeing your comments in friends' journals before we connected, but I'm not good at details.

If you need some inspiration for being a Christian in the now, try reading Annie Dillard. She is a Christian, a Catholic in fact, but I found much of my inspiration for living "in the now" from Pilgrim at Tinker Creak, which won a Pulitzer in 1974.

I hope we get a chance to carpe diem together.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That quote is a perfect expression of the letting go that is so important. There's no point in playing safe with something we're going to lose.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

Nothing anyone says is particularly comforting--I can say all the normal things to myself, and they don't usually help. I've lived through this twice, and it sucks. A lot. I don't know if I have the cope left to do it a third time.

But that's my problem, and not something anyone can help me with.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Dear Paul.....The simplest explanation is generally the best. No doubt the universe is more complicated than we can ever possibly understand, and yet we persist in imagining things more complicated than they are. The term arrogance often arises in such debates, as if we could offend the universe by relying on our senses. At least they lead us to useful conclusions. The theory that consciousness is a natural adaptation of our physical bodies seems more reasonable to me than the belief that it is distinct. My concern is whether to be guided by the hope of some kind of transcendent existence beyond death, which I suspect to be a false artifact of conditioning that has controlled society for millenia. With no evidence to the contrary, I prefer to accept my existence as it seems. This is not necessarily comfortable, but it's sometimes humbling. No wonder it's unpopular with so many people.

[esoterictrinity.livejournal.com]

just wanted to tell you how perfect I found your words. It made so much sense to me. As of late I've found myself in this incredible struggle with what is an actual foundational belief and what is that which I've been convinced~ At one time I was this born again on fire fanatical(albeit assinine) child of "God(d)" and now I'm left with the bitter aftertaste of ignorance. I find myself angry when someone starts preaching at me and then I have to take the time to figure out where that anger resides within me and why. That's the part that hurts right now because I don't know where it is...or why.

anyway, I know my words are confusing at best but I just wanted to say thank you for your clarity and wisdom.

always~

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Your words aren't confusing at all. I can relate to your story. I was raised in a non-religious home, but had a born again experience when I was 19 and turned into a regular Bible thumper. I was running away from my sexuality, which led me to an emotional breakdown when I was 31. I had to come to terms with myself and realize my fundamentalism was killing me.

After that it took me several years to sort out my real beliefs. I became hostile toward Christians because my old church had ostracized me. I was angry because I had been hurt, and I felt threatened by people who attacked or criticized my ideas. I still feel vulnerable, but I'm gradually becoming less defensive. As a gay person I know what a huge problem intolerance is, but realize that a gay atheist can be just as intolerant as a straight Christian.

It is essential for us to have the freedom to choose our own beliefs. In supporting this freedom, I must allow others their beliefs, too. I'm becoming more open to associating with people who believe differently from me. This doesn't mean I have to like their ideas. Unfortunately I am uncomfortable with debate and tend to take it personally. If people preach at me, I'm prone to get testy, and if they persist I'm liable to distance myself from them. This is probably unnecessary. I don't need to feel threatened by intelligent arguments, it's just that I'm overly sensitive to the techniques people use.

The anger you feel is understandable and it will probably diminish, if you want it to. I find it helpful (over time) to remember that I want to set an example of tolerance, and that the anger I feel is a separate issue from how I behave toward other people.