Parents' day

I hadn't met any of Marian's teachers since grade two, so today was a change. I got a notice in the mail about two weeks ago: today was parents' day. So I called and set up appointments with all her teachers.

I came down to Toronto last night. Feeling the need for touch and contact, to sleep beside my man again. It was comforting, and yet I could still feel the handprints of depression around my edges. It gets harder to let people in. It gets tougher to let my guard down, even with the ones closest to me.

This morning I had to set the alarm for 8:00, unusually early for me these days. From here it's a 90 minute drive to Marian's school.

What a gorgeous morning. The colours are still at their peak, and the drive took me through some of Ontario's most picturesque countryside. North of Bowmanville I drove into fog; long lines of gold maples vanishing into a silver veil. Approaching her school, big wedges of brilliant hillside began jutting out of the gloom. The school is directly across the road from a famous ski hill.

Meeting her teachers was a startling and surprising experience. Marian is exceptionally bright, in fact her English teacher suggested she's gifted. "She could do English with her eyes tied behind her back." Marian is a voracious reader, and the teacher's biggest problem will be keeping her stimulated enough.

The story from her math teacher was similar: "My best student!" he exclaimed eagerly. "I wish all students could be like her."

It's funny though. Marian has told me she sometimes dances on her chair in math class, and the teacher doesn't seem to notice. He didn't mention it to me either. Apparently Marian is like me: brilliant in math even though it doesn't interest her. She absorbs concepts like a sponge.

The problems arise when she has to work at things, like French and Social Science. She has trouble with organization, and isn't good at applying herself to homework, or learning anything that challenges her.

I'm looking for ways to encourage her. From our conversation on the phone earlier this week, I know she is running into problems. It often seems to be problems with the personalities of certain teachers. I don't know what to say to her, just encourage her that throughout life we have to learn to get along with those who think differently.

Marian thinks her French teacher is funny. I think Madame is slightly insane.

Some of us seem to get to be parents by default. There should be a school program we have to go through. You would have to learn excellent communication skills. How to encourage and inspire. The whole problem of discipline. How to you teach children to take some responsibility for their lives.

Especially when I hardly know how to do it for myself.

It was good to see that she is doing so well in some subjects. And although she is only 12, she has been drafted onto the senior field hockey team. She hasn't shown much aptitude for athletics until now. The team won its first game of the season. I wasn't there to see the goal, but at least I had a chance to congratulate her and tell her how proud I am. There's much to be proud of. She seemed surprised to hear me say that. I don't think she receives much affirmation at home.

I saw the other grandparents from a distance but didn't speak to them. She told me the other grandmother asked her mom whether Marian needs a psychiatrist.

"They need a psychiatrist!" I replied, and we both laughed.

This is the woman who is never seen without a drink in her hand, who spends her life pointing out what's wrong with everyone else and has all the money she needs to convince them who's boss. They're the ones paying for Marian to go to boarding school. My daughter is only 12, and she has already figured out who's insane, that money doesn't buy respect.

Maybe I should tell her there's no shame in going to a therapist, that it's the people who know they can use help who are sanest of all.

She has already told me about the problems she has had with a couple teachers. I think it's a good thing that she's talking, and that I'm listening. Today I made the trip to show her that although I don't have all the answers, I want to be involved and help any way I can.