Flamingo brain

From Alice in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll:

The chief difficulty Alice found at first was in managing her flamingo: she succeeded in getting its body tucked away comfortably enough under her arm, with its legs hanging down, but generally, just as she had got its neck nicely straightened out, and was going to give the hedgehog a blow with its head, it would twist itself round and look up in her face, with such a puzzled expression that she could not help bursting out laughing; and, when she had got its head down, and was going to begin again, it was very provoking to find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself, and was in the act of crawling away: besides all this, there was generally a ridge or a furrow in the way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog to, and, as the doubled-up soldiers were always getting up and walking off to other parts of the ground, Alice soon came to the conclusion that it was a very difficult game indeed.

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My mind is like a flamingo; or a limp version of hydra-baby on the bus. This shouldn't come as a surprise: depression and anxiety are two manifestations of the same chemical problem (panic attacks, however, are not). But the symptoms are different.

Two weeks ago, to combat anxiety, I switched to decaf. Consequently, I have no morning energy and have been slipping into depressed states that persist throughout the day.

I'm not certain it's caffeine withdrawal. But one key trait of anxiety is the "tendency to ignore physical and psychological signs of stress." I'm detached from my own bodily discomfort: tight muscles, fatigue, stomach problems, diarrhea, even migraines. The list goes on. Lately I have caught myself holding my breath for no apparent reason. So an unconscious dependency on caffeine would be no surprise.

Away from home I relapse to regular coffee drinking. That must stop. Along with many other bad habits.

Like beating myself up. But the anxious Van undermines himself differently from the depressed Van. It's confusing when I'm not sure which end of the flamingo I'm holding on any given day.

But if I'm going to continue playing I must develop, like Alice, my sense of humour.