Remembering what I want

When I have a free day I seem to have trouble nestling into the luxury. This morning I got up early, made a cup of tea, pottered for a while online, had breakfast, and pottered some more. When I got up from the computer it was three hours later and I was jittery as hell, torn by various priorities. Most of the things I have to do I also want to do, but there are too many of them and the day is short. Life is short and I've wasted three hours!

This is insane. My mind is too deeply rooted in the drive to accomplish things, to prove myself (even if only to myself), to make my life count or be remembered. I keep piling on anxiety, so the mind partly shuts down and slips into avoidance mode. Then I turn to mindless distraction rather than choosing something worthwhile. As long as I run in a half dozen directions at once, I will achieve nothing.

I've been contemplating Barry Lopez's suggestion that we should not "dole [time] out in a fretful way like a valued commodity" but let it lie flat and undifferentiated as the Arctic tundra. An hour of labour when my activity is dictated by other people's priorities is no more or less valuable than an hour to myself, which I can use creatively. Each is part of the package of my life, providing what is necessary. What is the use of time to myself if I am torn apart, unconscious of my motives, angry or otherwise miserable?

Of course there are things I want to do, and I should do them. My friend Pippa mentioned to me she read somewhere, "Self-discipline is remembering what you really want." In order to remember, I must slow down, stop worrying, reflect, and make decisions. I will place myself in the path of creativity and allow the most powerful inspiration to seize me.