Turn, turn, turn

I had been planning, sometime in the next few days, to post about someone new in my life, but things didn't turn out as expected.

As hinted several months ago, I've been experimenting with a second romantic relationship. We've enjoyed wonderful times together, learned from each other. The experience has altered my life for the better.

I've thought of myself as polyamorous for years, since before I met Danny, but in recent years promiscuity has lost its appeal and my sexual partners have been few. The adventure has been more about sharing something rare and profound. This was the first time I attempted to get close to a second person who lives nearby, is emotionally available, and can practically become part of my daily (or at least weekly) life.

He is also in a primary relationship. I thought that was fine. It has worked for me with Danny. Everyone involved has been supportive. The four of us have enjoyed becoming closer as friends.

But as we approached making some kind of commitment together and telling our friends, my feelings have become increasingly confused. The past few days have been a roller coaster.

My life is already complicated. All my important people live out of town: Danny in Toronto, my kids in Port Hope, Dad in Harrow, and recently my best friend moved to Ottawa. I get lonely sometimes, and adding another point to the compass will not help.

I used to think love was a bottomless, overflowing well. Nobody should put limits or boundaries on it. I still believe that, however apparently I am human, not as big as I imagined. The cosmos inside me is miniature, and its time is finite.

Last night, scrambling for insight, I made a list of things I want most out of life right now. Considering the things highest on that list, I have become distracted.

I want lots of time to write.

I want a friend close to home. Not particularly for sex or romance, but someone who can meet after work, watch a movie, go to the poetry slam.

I want to simplify my life.

Someday I might like to have a primary relationship of my own. Danny is part of my life, part of who I am. That part is not negotiable. That might be complicated enough for someone else to understand (it is complicated for me!). If someone could, I might let him distract me a while without regret. But my imaginary lover would have a powerful focus to parallel my writing; perhaps he would be a painter or activist.

I've decided not to continue this romance (which I started by declaring my feelings in the first place). I've been honest about my struggle. Everyone involved seems to be understanding and supportive. I expect we will all remain good friends, but as Danny suggests, I might need time and space to cool down (I am so grateful to have this sweet place where I am rooted). We hurt. I am heartbroken, grateful, sorry and relieved. My mind keeps flying, but at least it's all in the same direction. I expect this feeling will last a while.