Emotion

I was going to post about the cookbook idea last night, but didn't. I'll try again for Thursday.

Some heavy stuff has been distracting me. I don't feel at liberty to post about it in detail: people close to me self-destructing, failing to communicate adequately about important things, or behaving badly.

Meanwhile I'm scared to hell about my own life. Despite optimism and enthusiasm expressed here recently about the career question, I still have no clear idea what I'll do or how I'll get by when work runs out sometime early next year. Dreams (like going back to school) won't pay rent or fill the refrigerator.

Sometimes I feel alone against the world. Yesterday I had a meltdown. Make that two: one in the morning and one in the evening. In between I managed to put in a day of work, but that didn't help. A long evening call with Danny did help (thank you).

Today started off okay and rapidly went downhill over an entirely different situation. By this afternoon I was on the verge of another meltdown, but coming for my weekly shift at OOTS provided the usual oasis. I chatted with Lori for a few minutes (thank you) and will talk to Danny again after Writers' Circle.

My emotions are hard to handle, but they're proportionate to the situations I'm involved in. I used to walk in a cloud. It was easy to avoid getting upset. Since cutting back on meds six months ago, I've had clearer access to hard feelings like fear and anger. Sometimes they come up when I'm not expecting (I have an incredible delayed response), but I can't ignore them. I have to do something. This is better. It's the only way forward.