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This may or may not surprise people who have known me well, but I was recently diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, the inattentive rather than hyperactive mode. I have recognized problems going back to grade school.
It probably escaped detection forty years ago because I was a straight-A student who hated to attract unpleasant attention. I day-dreamed constantly and learned everything from books. I was good at understanding abstractions but not listening, remembering or imitating. At university poor study habits manifested. I was disappointed to realize I was not cut out for academia, but didn't understand why. I battled depression from my early teens but it was not diagnosed until a severe episode when I was 31. Then I went through traumatic experiences that led to generalized anxiety and panic disorder. With these more serious mental health issues, nobody considered my difficulties with concentration, memory and learning new skills as more than a symptom.
But they became more obvious than ever during the past two years when I finally received support and opportunity to pursue the freelance writing career I had wanted for 25 years. For the first time I thoroughly enjoyed my work, yet encountered the same inability to focus that had plagued me in every other job.
Last year I learned that frequent car accidents are a classic indicator of ADD. Between 1984 and 2000 I had too many car accidents to count, at least 10, mostly minor, all my fault. I totaled three of my cars. Incredibly, no one was ever injured or killed. The last accident in 2000 traumatized me so that I had nightmares and flashbacks and could not even ride in a car for weeks. Fortunately it flicked a switch in my brain: I have not had trouble driving mindfully or caused another accident since.
This insight led to my inquiry and referral to a specialist. Some controversy surrounds ADD. Many believe that it is over-diagnosed. My family doctor told me psychiatrists will not consider referrals for ADD in "high-functioning adults."
"I get along," I said, "but how can I be high-functioning if I haven't had a sustainable income in 19 years?"
Ultimately, I saw a psychiatrist who agreed.
I hate taking another prescription drug, particularly one that acts on my brain, but at this point in life I will try anything that helps me work. Beginning in January, we started experimenting with Concerta, a psychostimulant also known as Ritalin. I only need the lowest of doses. Anything higher causes uncomfortable agitation. The psychiatrist said I can use it on a discretionary basis, which I prefer. I only use it on work days. Unless I'm actively thinking, creating or working, the sensation is mildly unpleasant.
It is helping. I could record endless observations about how it affects me. But to put it simply, a second channel has opened in my brain. I am used to the strong current of thoughts, ideas and emotions pulling me like a swimmer. This allows me to focus long hours on something, but can be overwhelming. Now the second channel lifts me slightly above the flow. It improves my awareness, willpower, judgment and short-term memory. I can choose where to turn my attention.
This is only an approximate description. It isn't easy. I turned 50 last week. It's going to take this old dog a while to learn how to use these new tricks.
But I'm pleased with how much writing I've done the past 10 weeks, and how I am able to persist at a few projects. In the past I would be more likely to keep starting new things and forgetting about them.
It probably escaped detection forty years ago because I was a straight-A student who hated to attract unpleasant attention. I day-dreamed constantly and learned everything from books. I was good at understanding abstractions but not listening, remembering or imitating. At university poor study habits manifested. I was disappointed to realize I was not cut out for academia, but didn't understand why. I battled depression from my early teens but it was not diagnosed until a severe episode when I was 31. Then I went through traumatic experiences that led to generalized anxiety and panic disorder. With these more serious mental health issues, nobody considered my difficulties with concentration, memory and learning new skills as more than a symptom.
But they became more obvious than ever during the past two years when I finally received support and opportunity to pursue the freelance writing career I had wanted for 25 years. For the first time I thoroughly enjoyed my work, yet encountered the same inability to focus that had plagued me in every other job.
Last year I learned that frequent car accidents are a classic indicator of ADD. Between 1984 and 2000 I had too many car accidents to count, at least 10, mostly minor, all my fault. I totaled three of my cars. Incredibly, no one was ever injured or killed. The last accident in 2000 traumatized me so that I had nightmares and flashbacks and could not even ride in a car for weeks. Fortunately it flicked a switch in my brain: I have not had trouble driving mindfully or caused another accident since.
This insight led to my inquiry and referral to a specialist. Some controversy surrounds ADD. Many believe that it is over-diagnosed. My family doctor told me psychiatrists will not consider referrals for ADD in "high-functioning adults."
"I get along," I said, "but how can I be high-functioning if I haven't had a sustainable income in 19 years?"
Ultimately, I saw a psychiatrist who agreed.
I hate taking another prescription drug, particularly one that acts on my brain, but at this point in life I will try anything that helps me work. Beginning in January, we started experimenting with Concerta, a psychostimulant also known as Ritalin. I only need the lowest of doses. Anything higher causes uncomfortable agitation. The psychiatrist said I can use it on a discretionary basis, which I prefer. I only use it on work days. Unless I'm actively thinking, creating or working, the sensation is mildly unpleasant.
It is helping. I could record endless observations about how it affects me. But to put it simply, a second channel has opened in my brain. I am used to the strong current of thoughts, ideas and emotions pulling me like a swimmer. This allows me to focus long hours on something, but can be overwhelming. Now the second channel lifts me slightly above the flow. It improves my awareness, willpower, judgment and short-term memory. I can choose where to turn my attention.
This is only an approximate description. It isn't easy. I turned 50 last week. It's going to take this old dog a while to learn how to use these new tricks.
But I'm pleased with how much writing I've done the past 10 weeks, and how I am able to persist at a few projects. In the past I would be more likely to keep starting new things and forgetting about them.
