A community of lovers
Sep. 29th, 2004 01:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaneramos
Photo: Danny on the covered bridge, Sept. 12~~~~~~~~~~
"To hope is to gamble. It's to bet on the future, on your desires, on the possibility that an open heart and uncertainty is better than gloom and safety. To hope is dangerous, and yet it is the opposite of fear, for to live is to risk."
~Hope in the Dark, by Rebecca Solnit, as quoted on MotherJones.com
"The significance polyamory places on honesty, negotiation, and respect is not always obvious to outside observers."
~Polyamory, at Wikipedia.
"Only solitary men know the full joys of friendship. Others have their family; but to a solitary and an exile his friends are everything."
~Willa Cather, ganked from
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nashobabear~~~~~~~~~~
It's a dangerous thing, to love. We need it in this dark world, need it as much as ever. While they're bombing villages, letting children starve in Darfur, paving over the rights of you and me, we need to love fervently.
When I was little, my family had a dog named Snoopy. She looked the part: half beagle, half rabbit hound, white with black spots. My uncle had rescued her from a hunting camp where she was being abused, and she came to slink around our house, always a nervous, weasling pup. Scared of lightning, she would flinch if you clapped hands or even looked at her the wrong way.
Courage isn't a lack of fear. It's the willingness to do what you love and believe in without apology, without submission to the rules.
Every Friday when Dad got home from work we would drive from Windsor, 45 minutes to our cottage on Lake Erie. And when we hit the gravel road at Poplar Bluff, Snoopy would go berserk, flying around the car like a spotted poltergeist, wailing and shrieking with joy. As we pulled into the driveway, we would try to calm and reprimand, take her enthusiasm in hand. But nothing we could do, nothing, would prevent her from streaking out the first opened door and heading for the marsh. There in the distance we would hear her for the next half hour, yapping and running in delighted pursuit of rabbits and pheasants. At last she would return, darkened and bedraggled from head to foot with marsh dirt, smelling like a cow's fart. Then she would give up her exuberance, slinking around the screen doors, tail between her legs, her long eyes a portrait of shame.
It's hard to be an optimist in these times. But history is a "crab scuttling sideways." A romp in the muck might be what it takes to change our society.
Not long before the choral festival in Montreal, someone posted a comment to the GALA email group about polyamory. With all the jubilation about the progress of same-sex marriage, could we also recognize and celebrate the place of polyamorous relationships in our community? Many replies came back, but the one I most remember was this: you couldn't perform a song about polyamorous love without making everyone laugh.
It's going on 15 months since I met Danny. I'll cross a line here, the longest relationship I have had. My marriage lasted longer, but it was based on rules not desire. It was empty. Ironically I was the one who felt unwanted. Since then I have loved and felt loved by men, but the ravages of a confused life never taught me how to hold on.
I have learned with Danny: it's not about holding on, it's letting go. Love is letting another person be himself, not asking him to conform to some ideal. And so I feel safe, whole and treasured as never before.
Psychologists are exploring the evolution of jealousy. Women are more inclined to be jealous of emotional bonds, men are more jealous of passionate sexual relationships. In loving a man who loves other men, I have learned about my own jealous nature. Learned that it takes courage to give, to let, to open my heart.
In a world where love is rare, it takes courage to enter a community of lovers. But in doing so, I feel an exuberance of love growing within me, where sex is less about taking what I need, more sharing something I have in abundance.
That first summer I came out, at Elora Quarry, two men threw rocks at me and the man with me. It had been our second date, nothing more than a swim across the pond, lying near one another at the top of the beach, not even touching. Something triggered their hatred, the sight of two people desiring one another in a forbidden way. They took their idea of the law of nature into violent hands. Those two rocks tossed from atop the cliff missed us by less than a metre. We could have died that day.
Jim was afraid. Thought we had done the wrong thing, just by being near one another. That's the most destructive attitude: hiding something that is good and beautiful because the world isn't ready for it. Submitting to the order of silence.
I want to be Snoopy in the marsh, pursuing my forbidden love exuberantly, knowing fear, but not submitting to it.
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 10:53 am (UTC)I've said this before, maybe even to you, but...
When I was younger I rationalized my polyamorous impulses; I felt I needed to, for myself and for others. I spent four years learning poly from the ground up, the perpetual secondary. When Ranj and I started seeing each other, I was still very young, and it took me a while to find my footing in a pairbond. When I did, though, I realized what it felt like to be poly and be able to give, from sufficiency, rather than taking, in need. For me, this is the best way to do poly and the best way to think about poly, and the best attitude to have in love.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 11:01 am (UTC)Thanks for this post.
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Date: 2004-09-29 11:08 am (UTC)Once again, thanks for this.
Beautifully put
Date: 2004-09-29 11:17 am (UTC)Talking about your relationship, and how you are into polymory and love is rare and that it takes trust, in both you, and your partner(s) to love and to be loved, to let go and let them be who they are, not your "ideal" of what/whom they should be in your mind.
It indeed takes courage to face fear, but not to subcumb to it, letting someone else dictate how you should be.
I'll go along with a certain form of decorum, but not to allow someone to dictate how I should be, based on their beliefs etc.
I'm in the very early stages of dating a man, whom I met at a local grocery store a month ago almost. We have been getting together at least once a week since then. We are growing, learning about each other, getting to be intimate with each other. He's sweet, kind and cute lil' furball. (5'7" or so). We are brazen in that we hold hands most places we go and have been known to be "lovey dovey" at times. :-)
While we both agree on a monagamous relationship, it's still takes courage, to some degree as there are still those who are homophobic, in some cases, so much so as to possibly inflict injury if possible.
I love the analogy of your dog Snoopy, running through the marsh care free, persuing her pleasures without a worry, nor care in the world as how you'd like to be in persuing your forbidden love exuberantly, knowing fear, but not submitting to it.
Mind you, you have a long leg up on me as you've been with Danny for 15 months, I've only been with my guy for nearly a month now.
Be well Van.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 11:25 am (UTC)A couple years ago, before I met Danny (or any polyamorous people for that matter), I started identifying that way because I couldn't imagine ever being happy in a committed relationship. After we met and started getting to know one another without initial expectations, my commitment grew, not because it was required, but because I discovered my own capacities. This also opened up new possibilities like, "Maybe I'll have a primary partner someday," but not in the desperate sense I used to feel. My growing self-confidence was even a factor in my decision to stop living alone and look for accommodation with a friend who was not a sexual partner (Jon). It illuminates and ennobles the wide range of human relationships.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 11:39 am (UTC)Re: Beautifully put
Date: 2004-09-29 11:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 11:46 am (UTC)Re: Beautifully put
Date: 2004-09-29 11:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 11:50 am (UTC)Indeed. I feel this pull in my own life. Being loved means being vulnerable...and that's a difficult place for me. It's one of the reasons I seek therapy, in fact...to learn how to be loved by myself so that reception can be attuned to others as well.
I want to be Snoopy in the marsh, pursuing my forbidden love exuberantly, knowing fear, but not sumbitting to it.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 12:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 12:05 pm (UTC)I'm being facetious, but I mean it.
Love ya,
Van
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Date: 2004-09-29 12:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 12:26 pm (UTC)How about Committeeamorous? or perhaps Clanamorous? Herdofcatsamorous?
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Date: 2004-09-29 12:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 12:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 12:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 01:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 02:36 pm (UTC)hugs, Shimmer
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Date: 2004-09-29 03:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 03:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 03:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 08:35 pm (UTC)i really like this line, it makes me want to live out loud, head up, shoulders back, and a confident gate in my walk. beware to the world!
great entry Van
be well
no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 08:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-29 09:02 pm (UTC)something like this?
;-)
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Date: 2004-09-29 09:26 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2004-09-30 09:23 am (UTC)The whole process of casting off preconcieved and "acceptable" notions of what a relationship should look like, and then listening to your heart and discovering what it is you, as an individual, truly want and need, can be daunting. But it's so rewarding to know that you are building loving relationships on your own terms and for your own reasons, not because it's just the way everyone else does it. The things we work and fight for mean so much more to us than the things that are easily given to us.
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Date: 2004-09-30 09:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-13 09:32 am (UTC)The GALA thread comment that sticks in your mind sticks in mine, too. My Mom has often commented that stuff I say about the complexities of my poly life would make great fodder for comedy. I used to be a little bugged by that, and told her so, but over time I've decided she's right. A lot about poly IS funny. In the sense of "hm, it's quite complex and human, which can be funny."
Of course, a lot about traditional monogamy is funny, too. Notice the number of sitcoms focused on married couples and their quirks. :)
So "we can't talk about poly because it would be funny"--well, it sounds like the subject makes people uncomfortable. :) Gosh, the Boston Gay Men's Chorus *tries* for laughter a lot of the time. I'd love to waltz in there and say "you can't camp it up, boys, the audience might laugh." :-)
Of course, thirty years ago, who would have imagined crowds of mixed audiences paying to listen to gay choruses sing about gay monogamy, even, without laughing at the silly homos?
Anyway, that's not directly about you. What's about you is, you're in this special relationship that is bringing great things into your life.
That's wonderful.
And yes, I think one of the big things about love, in whatever form, is the way it challenges us to let others be themselves, and to make us more ourselves.
You've always been wonderful, but I have to say, Danny has brought some of that further out of you. He's one of those people who have that mysterious ability to draw out good in people, I suspect. I think it's very appropriate that he loves you, because you're worth it, but it's great to see how much more of you there is for ALL of us to love as you open up to Danny, and to love.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-13 10:10 am (UTC)"Donna, did you look to see if your glasses are in your purse?"
Mom: "No, I'll take a look."
Dad: "Oh I'm sorry, I should have looked for you."
It's the sort of thing that would drive me crazy. My parents have lived a long time together (53 years). The traditional nuclear family has a tendency to shelter people. It makes me wonder whether, in more complex family arrangements, we have to face our rough edges more seriously because it's harder to get in a rut when you have multiple people calling you to account.
It's interesting to see how my arrival has affected the dynamics at Bill and Danny's house. And I also feel myself responding differently than if I were dating one person alone. It feels more natural somehow, a move toward the social animals we really are.
Ruts and Rough Edges
Date: 2004-10-13 01:15 pm (UTC)Anyway: yes, I've often felt that the rough edges have to be faced more thoroughly in a poly setting. I'm going to guess that many monogamous people do the same work because they happen to have the skills and will to self-examine that rigorously. But poly will tend to fail if people DON'T have such skills.
On the other hand, you make me giggle, because the flip side is that sometimes our quirks are made of diamond, and they simply shine all the brighter and harder when jostled through the grit of multiple relationships. Sometimes we become even more purely ourselves in poly settings, rough edges and all.
So don't be surprised if you find yourself, or Danny, or Bill, or Daniel, still developing those "old married" behaviors with each other as time goes on. I think I'm up to about a million of them, myself. Mine, naturally, are mostly charming and benevolent [cough].
Re: Ruts and Rough Edges
Date: 2004-10-13 03:24 pm (UTC)