Parents' day

[vaneramos]

I hadn't met any of Marian's teachers since grade two, so today was a change. I got a notice in the mail about two weeks ago: today was parents' day. So I called and set up appointments with all her teachers.

I came down to Toronto last night. Feeling the need for touch and contact, to sleep beside my man again. It was comforting, and yet I could still feel the handprints of depression around my edges. It gets harder to let people in. It gets tougher to let my guard down, even with the ones closest to me.

This morning I had to set the alarm for 8:00, unusually early for me these days. From here it's a 90 minute drive to Marian's school.

What a gorgeous morning. The colours are still at their peak, and the drive took me through some of Ontario's most picturesque countryside. North of Bowmanville I drove into fog; long lines of gold maples vanishing into a silver veil. Approaching her school, big wedges of brilliant hillside began jutting out of the gloom. The school is directly across the road from a famous ski hill.

Meeting her teachers was a startling and surprising experience. Marian is exceptionally bright, in fact her English teacher suggested she's gifted. "She could do English with her eyes tied behind her back." Marian is a voracious reader, and the teacher's biggest problem will be keeping her stimulated enough.

The story from her math teacher was similar: "My best student!" he exclaimed eagerly. "I wish all students could be like her."

It's funny though. Marian has told me she sometimes dances on her chair in math class, and the teacher doesn't seem to notice. He didn't mention it to me either. Apparently Marian is like me: brilliant in math even though it doesn't interest her. She absorbs concepts like a sponge.

The problems arise when she has to work at things, like French and Social Science. She has trouble with organization, and isn't good at applying herself to homework, or learning anything that challenges her.

I'm looking for ways to encourage her. From our conversation on the phone earlier this week, I know she is running into problems. It often seems to be problems with the personalities of certain teachers. I don't know what to say to her, just encourage her that throughout life we have to learn to get along with those who think differently.

Marian thinks her French teacher is funny. I think Madame is slightly insane.

Some of us seem to get to be parents by default. There should be a school program we have to go through. You would have to learn excellent communication skills. How to encourage and inspire. The whole problem of discipline. How to you teach children to take some responsibility for their lives.

Especially when I hardly know how to do it for myself.

It was good to see that she is doing so well in some subjects. And although she is only 12, she has been drafted onto the senior field hockey team. She hasn't shown much aptitude for athletics until now. The team won its first game of the season. I wasn't there to see the goal, but at least I had a chance to congratulate her and tell her how proud I am. There's much to be proud of. She seemed surprised to hear me say that. I don't think she receives much affirmation at home.

I saw the other grandparents from a distance but didn't speak to them. She told me the other grandmother asked her mom whether Marian needs a psychiatrist.

"They need a psychiatrist!" I replied, and we both laughed.

This is the woman who is never seen without a drink in her hand, who spends her life pointing out what's wrong with everyone else and has all the money she needs to convince them who's boss. They're the ones paying for Marian to go to boarding school. My daughter is only 12, and she has already figured out who's insane, that money doesn't buy respect.

Maybe I should tell her there's no shame in going to a therapist, that it's the people who know they can use help who are sanest of all.

She has already told me about the problems she has had with a couple teachers. I think it's a good thing that she's talking, and that I'm listening. Today I made the trip to show her that although I don't have all the answers, I want to be involved and help any way I can.

Comments

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I don't envy you the difficult job of being a father to a really bright girl at a big distance. I can say you strike me as doing what you can very well.

It's tough for kids who are very bright at this age. I seem to have come hardwired with a desire to please parents and teachers. alec, by contrast, I think didn't. He ran into some pretty tough times, beginning around this age, when school just couldn't hold his attention.

Odds are, he's brighter than me, across the board, though we manifest slightly different skill sets (I say that because although I usually test quite well on things that measure both "intelligence" and "knowledge accumulated", he tests a bit better than I do on raw intelligence, and having known him for 35 years, I have the feeling those results are accurate. But on paper, I look the one with more accomplishments. I managed to keep my attention well enough focused (though I recall a lot of doodling on papers and, perhaps, dancing in my seat, in high school).

I had a lot invested in being the good kid. Marian, like Alec, shows signs of the rebel. Ultimately, I think that can result in perfectly healthy adulthood, but it can make schooling hard.

Heck, I don't mean to write something that could be depressing. Mainly, I mean to empathize with you. I have always gotten the strong sense that Marian and Brenna are VERY fortunate in having you as a father. I mean, the fact that you still have questions of your own about taking responsbility for life ... frankly, I think the parents who are cognizant of the difficulty of such questions pass better skills along to kids. They don't make it look easy when it really isn't.

Same point you made to Marian about how people who do therapy can be the *well adjusted* ones. Your doubts and struggles are probably a big part of what makes you a good parent.

Hugs.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Er, that's meant to be alec9 above. I don't know who the other person is.

I meant to say, you might be interested in talking with puzzld1 about raising bright daughters. I don't recall if the two of you are already in touch, and her Molly is younger than Marian and Brenna by a bit, but you never know. Juliet's good, thoughtful people, and she knows parenting a little closer to reality than I do.

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

So, is she settling in as well as it sounds from your description?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It was really interesting reading about the differences between your and Alec's skill sets. I'm finding it interesting to compare my two daughters and see how they're developing in different directions. I can see a lot of myself in both of them, and yet they're very different.

In some ways I think Brenna is more like me, but on the other hand she has more obvious similarities with her mother, too. For one thing, Brenna is showing signs of real brilliance as a visual artist. Though both of her parents are artistic, I was more inclined toward writing and music, and my visual talents seem somehow secondary. Brenna also has a her mother's wit, with the potential to be clever or cunning, whereas Marian and I share an obscure offbeat humour that no one else in the universe seems to understand, but it's more in the realm of wordplay. Sometimes I'll say things that are funny to me, but no one else would get them, and Marian will get them.

I hear Daniel putting Star Trek in the DVD player. I have to go.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

Some of us seem to get to be parents by default.

all of us are parents by default, Van.
the only perfect parents are imaginary.
the best you can do is to do what you're
doing. it's not easy, but with a bit of
luck, and a lot of work, you'll get there.
your communication skills are a lot better
than some people's, and it's perfectly
obvious how much you love them. that's the
most important thing.~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I would say settled yet, but she's enjoying herself more than last year.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Pete, I'm feeling a bit saturated at the moment, but I'll check their journals sometime soon.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

I sometimes think that the world would be improved if all prospective parents had to get a license (with suitable education and demonstration of qualifications) before actually engendering children. Of course, this is easy for me to say, since I have never been, and never expect to be, a parent.

Of course the trouble with this is that the species would die out in about three generations if it were enforced. In my more cynical moments I wonder if this in itself would not be to the greater benefit of the world at large.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks Paul, I guess I'm a bit jaded with respect to my own parents, who meant well, but let me down in some regards. But my problems had a lot to do with growing up gay in a small town in the 70s. Marian's situation is different.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That would solve a lot of problems, wouldn't it? ;-)

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

you may have a point there, Robert.~paul

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

most of us have a similar story,
although everyones's is a bit
different. you're doing fine,
don't be too hard on yourself~
~paul