Holistic family

[vaneramos]

Photo: Brenna carving a pumpking in Bill and Danny's kitchen this evening.

Make sure you check bitterlawngnome's eerie photos: click here.

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There are times I still feel like I'm living a double life. I go back and forth from being a bachelor, somewhat carefree with no immediate resposibility to anyone, to being a parttime single father with the load of the world on my shoulders. Aunt Joyce pointed out how stressful it must be. I hardly consider that; it's the life I've lived for six years since Marian and Brenna moved away. All I know is that when they visit I give up the freedom to come and go as I please, to do whatever the hell I want with my time, to stay up as late as I want without ramifications and so on. A lot of the stress of parenting this way rests on doing it alone.

I used to introduce Marian and Brenna fairly early to anyone who came into my life romantically. They always accepted it with good humour. It wasn't a bad deal for them. When another adult was around, Dad had more energy. I don't know whether they realized it—I think Marian did at least—but when I had someone to look after me a little, we had more fun.

But none of my relationships lasted. Between February 1999 and September 2002 I went through a revolving door experience. I started to feel ashamed. All of them were nice guys, and generally they showed considerable fondness for my daughters, but invariably we would break up and they would disappear from my life. None of them matured into enduring friendships. My life felt terribly unstable, and I felt bad about the example I was setting.

After I met Danny, things did not flow the same way. I was more cautious in many ways. The girls didn't meet him until we had been dating six months, and the second meeting was another six months later. But clearly djjo, bitterlawngnome and danthered are a permanent part of my life, so I have been bringing together the branches of my family more and more often.

This weekend Brenna and I are actually staying over at their house. Next weekend Marian has her midterm break, so we're doing the same thing. There's more for the girls to do in Toronto than Guelph.

Today Danny, Brenna and I went to St. Lawrence Market, then shopping on Queen Street for beads, and finally we initiated Brenna into the wonder that is Honest Ed's. Bren is a dollar store afficionado, but Ed's overwhelmed her, so we didn't stay very long.

Along the way we picked up accessories for a vampire costume she is putting on even as I type. This evening Brenna and the four of us guys are heading down to the ghetto, which knows how to throw a Halloween party like no other place in the city. No, this will not be Brenna's first visit to Church and Wellesley. She knows about drag queens and so on.

The most wonderful thing is how sane I feel, bringing the parts of my life together this way. I've never hidden anything from my daughters, but now it feels like things are fitting together in a fuller way.

When I used to work for a Christian relief and development agency, we had a term for this: holistic. It means I'm not just focusing on one aspect of my life and leaving the others out. Everything is here, together.