Whatever happened to slut?

[vaneramos]

From this morning's handwritten journal:

Just now there is a man leaning over in the parking lot of A&M Variety stuffing leaves in green bags. The morning light straying across the back of his jeans is gorgeous. I want him to turn so I can see his face, but when he finally does it is hooded and I can't see his features through the shadows of morning contrast. But what does it matter, really, I ask myself. He could be the ugliest pig who ever walked the earth. His face could be bloated, pockmarked, pitted, scarred, burned into a puttied mass. But in the solemn light of morning, he has a glorious ass.

I have been thinking lately about sex and sexual attraction. Okay, honestly, we all think about it all the time, little bits and traces flying across the screen of consciousness while we drive, eat, blog, presumably while we work. Actually, I don't think about it as much as I used to. And if you believe ad campaigns claiming men think about it every few seconds, I am not like other men. Maybe I used to be.

For a few years I was a regular coming-out-of-the-closet, boy-in-a-candy-store, couldn't-keep-it-in-my-pants slut. I enjoyed my delayed adolescence, discovering great sex in my 30s, sometimes regretted having wasted the best years of my body on celibacy, but hey, as I've said before, it kept me alive.

Nowadays I have few partners besides my lover, and rarely get it except on weekends, not every weekend mind you. Four years ago that would have bothered me, but these days, huh. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Is it the meds? No, I started experiencing this two years ago before going back on antidepressants.

It just seems like I've become a lot pickier about who I sleep with. And honestly, when I really need attention, it isn't that kind. The lonely man wants another human being to acknowledge and appreciate his existence, not just fuck his brains out. I know the many textures of loneliness.

When people tell me I'm sexy, well, it used to flatter me. But nowadays I'm more likely to think, cynically, he just wants in my pants. Hey, why not pay some attention to my mind? I mean, what would you rather see, another poem, or a photo of my ass? (Admittedly, if you really understand me, you can probably figure out how to have me both ways.)

I've been asking myself these questions, even wondering what I do to set myself up as a sex object and why. I'm still given to exhibitionism. Yes, it turns me on. And yes there are photos filtering through cyberspace, you may have seen them. I have rarely used them to meet people; I trade them for porn. Hey, masturbation is the safest sex.

I'm writing about this because it's the thing I self-censor most. I might not think about sex all the time, still I think about it far more often than I talk about it.

It all comes down to is this: my sex life is pretty good right now, honestly. What I get is mighty satisfying.

I just wonder where that sexual adventurer has gone, the one who used to love heading to Toronto for a weekend with no agenda except to get laid. He seems long ago and faraway. I miss the spontaneity, the intrigue, even the sensuality. I keep thinking I might devote a weekend to that, just for fun.

But really, I don't miss the loneliness. Because casual sex requires a lot of time and energy, which in the end detracts from my relationships with other people and myself.

Comments

[pagerbear.livejournal.com]

I've only been reading your posts for a short while--only been on LJ for a short while--but I really like what you've revealed of your heart/mind and your body! Yes, you're sexy, but you are so much more interesting than just that!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and welcome to my journal. :-)

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

And in all actuality, being someone a few years younger than you but in similar circumstances, this gives me hope. I see a light at the end of the tunnel where I settle out a little and have a little less drive to be sexual in the future...and that's not a cause for alarm or sadness.

As I slowly grow into that more well-rounded person, it's nice to have a friend who can serve as a positive role model. :) Thanks, Van.

Oh, and by the way...I love your poetry AND your ass. ;)

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

woof to the ass and woof to the mind, both are beautiful and beauty should be enjoyed.

great entry Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You never can tell. I know a lot of guys older than me who are a good deal hornier. I guess you have to take whatever nature deals you and make the best of it, not feel bad about it one way or the other. In such a sex-oriented culture, I find my own ambiguity rather confusing.

Stephen, there's so much I want to say, but here I'll just add that the respect is mutual.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Let me return the compliment, honestly. In a few cases, my admiration is uncomplicated and unambiguous. Mind and body. I suppose I'm only comfortable when the two happen together.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

just my two drachmae: sex *with* full emotional/psychic/physical connection is so much more rewarding than casual sex--which can be unbelievably wonderful or graceless and sordid--totally hit or miss in those areas--I think over time I have felt much more fulfilled in the time I do get to spend with my regular play-partner. But then, I never was one who did well in the casual sex arena. If I worked harder at getting involved with the local bear scene, I'd definitely have more opportunities to find potentially compatible partners. I have a couple of big priorities that take up a hell of a lot of space and don't leave much time or energy to pursue casual encounters. For something that's supposed to be "casual," they seem to take a lot of time and energy! Work!

I bet YOU could just stroll into one of the local watering-holes and bag a hot man in under an hour, if you wanted to. I'm just saying.

HUGS, Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

But fast food is SO bad for you. ;-)

echoing...

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

yes, i love you for your mind AND body. nice dimples, too...

i think whether it happens consciously or not, we are capable of coming to an understanding that sex without attachment is just fine. but this in turn leads to not wanting--or needing--it as much. you went through your "kid in a candy store" phase, but when you had your sweet fill, you started looking for more than the instant fix of empty calories. does not mean you won't want to sample a luscious treat at some point.

nice thoughtful entry. i think it would be something to know you.

Not missing the loneliness

[ranjtheobscure.livejournal.com]

There you go. I don't miss the competitive, anxious way of measuring my attractiveness and worth.

I think that I am far less concerned with new partners for sex now. I thought for a while that it had to do with the fear of having another heart attack, but I think it has more to do with getting older, and finding greater pleasure in other things than I used to.

Re: echoing...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Before I came out of the closet, my doctor (bless him) advised me that "sex without attachment" was essential, at least for the beginning. "No boyfriends!" he said; I needed to explore my sexuality first. He recognized in my conservative mindset the inappropriate connection between sex and possessing another person.

I took the lesson to heart, although it was a hard one to learn. I finally did, thankfully. I don't even consider my lover as belonging to me, or our future an absolute certainty. But when you don't take the relationship for granted, these other things can flower: respect, desire and hope.

does not mean you won't want to sample a luscious treat at some point.

The way you say this makes me realize something. My attitude toward casual sex has been framed by my previous context of feeling lonely and needing the attention. It was a vulnerable, desperate sensation, and I'm still defensive about the whole game. It would be much different if I realized I can afford to be picky and patient, selecting partners based on what I really want, not what society tells me is sexy.

I would like to know you, too, Roger.

Re: Not missing the loneliness

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I can relate to that, Ranj. A couple years ago I had a fairly serious injury with a sex toy; it was my own fault. I used to think my reticence was related to that, but I'm starting to realize it has more to do with the kind of changes you're describing.

Ironically, I'm starting to understand my father better. He used to seem asexual to me. He never expressed lust. Now I realize he was simply content. When he was my age now, I was nine years old.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Glad you like. Mike, you are such a sweet guy I figured you would have a good handle on this. Not to mention the two of you are woofy as hell together.