The break time magnolia
Feb. 24th, 2005 09:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaneramos
My first scarf, finished on Tuesday 
No, it's not intended to be worn on my head; it wouldn't even fit properly. Just me clowning.
~~~~~~~
I spend two hours every Wednesday evening rehearsing in Harcourt Memorial United Church, but the thing I will always remember most about the place is the little magnolia on the front lawn.
One of the essential aspects of choir rehearsal is break time. People move like sailboats, winds washing us at different angles across a bay. Some gather in knots while a few sit alone resting from the intensity of making music with their bodies. It's a loose flotilla.
For most of the choir season, rehearsals occur under cover of night and cold. Only two or three people disappear outside to smoke. But last spring when rehearsals continued past our April concert, we would prop open a door at the side of the sanctuary. Most of us spilt into the patio and garden to chat under a balmy evening sky.
At that time I was experiencing considerable social anxiety. My nerves wore down watching little dramas unfold around me as in any community, or from bearing our director's lectures, some verging on tantrums. By break time I always needed to get out of the room and away from everyone, even my friends.
Following them onto the patio, I would let my legs carry me further around the corner, inhaling the calm of evening. There stands the lonely magnolia, just out of sight from the crowd. I would go and bury my nose in its faintly purple petals, savouring its silent fellowship for a few minutes, building up my courage to return for another hour of practice.
In June I started taking mirtazapine to treat symptoms of anxiety. One of the first things I noticed was that Wednesday evenings became more enjoyable. People's rough edges didn't faze me as much and I felt more comfortable staying among my friends.
And yet it seemed important to continue visiting the magnolia. I took less time, only a minute or two. By June the evening sky was brighter, and the tree had dropped its last bruised petals in the grass. I only went to remember and say thank you.
We are addicted to meaning. In our society, a life without purpose is generally deemed a failure. And yet looking back on my life so far, it is the aimless moments that seem most powerful. Sitting mindlessly on the dock, watching ripples. Perfect six-sided snowflakes melting on my windshield this afternoon. Out of the communal performance of transcendant music, an invisible, weary path leading to the magnolia tree.
Sometimes when we are most broken, beauty rises up and embraces us. And beauty has no meaning. It defies definition.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 03:28 am (UTC)nice
be well
posing with scarves
Date: 2005-02-25 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 03:58 am (UTC)I feel the same way about magnolias - especially the ones with tulip shaped buds. Fantastic.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 04:11 am (UTC)Beautiful, absolutely true, and an inspiration. It's a hard lesson for me to remember, I think because remembering is a mental act, a lesson is a meaning-based, cause-and-effect thing.
The scarf is lovely -- it really brings out the color of your eyes.
Re: posing with scarves
Date: 2005-02-25 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 04:15 am (UTC)Cheers.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 04:26 am (UTC)I'm glad you noticed my eye. I was surprised by it's blueness in this picture, too.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 05:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 05:57 am (UTC)made me think of John Cleese in
Monty Python And The Holy Grail.
~paul
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Date: 2005-02-25 07:57 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2005-02-25 08:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 12:45 pm (UTC)Very erotic pose if you ask me. Almost that come hither look in your eyes.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 01:32 pm (UTC)hope you have a great day!
for lack of a better term or response...
Date: 2005-02-25 01:43 pm (UTC)when are you going to start your own line and will it include you doing these semi-nude poses? *giggles*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 06:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 06:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 06:45 pm (UTC)Re: for lack of a better term or response...
Date: 2005-02-25 06:46 pm (UTC)Oh yeah, I've already done that. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-25 09:17 pm (UTC)~paul
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Date: 2005-02-25 09:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 12:06 am (UTC)seriously, the scarf looks gorgeous. and you, as always, are more gorgeous still.
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Date: 2005-02-26 12:43 am (UTC)ohgod Van, that pic is going to haunt me! LOL!!!!
stop it!!! It's the deadpan face that does it. oh I'm rolling.!
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Date: 2005-02-26 03:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 11:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-27 12:17 am (UTC)Re: for lack of a better term or response...
Date: 2005-02-28 02:26 pm (UTC)