What We All Long For

[vaneramos]

From What We All Long For, by Dionne Brand:

Anonymity is the big lie of a city. You aren't anonymous at all. You're common, really, common like so many pebbles, so many specks of dirt, so many atoms of materiality.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was Wilde About Sappho, Canada's national queer literary festival, visiting Guelph. Sky Gilbert's poetry, especially "The Island of Lost Tears," had me on the verge. The other four writers were unfamiliar. Warren Dunford was funny, Anna Camilleri sumptuous and nostalgic, R.M. Vaughan refreshingly profane.

But Dionne Brand stirred my guts with her evocation of humanity on Toronto streets: so familiar, and yet stunningly insightful. She and Gilbert are faculty members of English and Theatre Studies here at University of Guelph.

I didn't expect a chance to speak with her at the gala afterwards. At the end, just as everyone was leaving, a space cleared between us and she turned toward me.

I gushed about the opening subway scene she had read from What We All Long For: judgments of strangers, how they reflected my own inner thoughts. I described the novel I am writing about the ex-gay movement, how writing it has peeled away judgments. She seemed genuinely interested, responded helpfully.

Her companion was anxious to leave, so we said goodbye. As she moved away, I said, "I hope they hold this in Guelph again next year."

Smiling over her shoulder, she said significantly, "I am here."

~~~~~~~~~~

The refrigerator guy, not Ivan but his boss, obviously didn't relish the task of hauling a refrigerator up to my second-floor apartment. He told my landlord the sill needed to be removed from my hall window to make room for the old appliance to pass downstairs. But this morning I pried some trim off the banister, which achieved the same purpose more simply. Charlie made excuses on the phone, but finally came over and dubiously measured the clearance. Twenty-six-and-a-half inches was all we needed. So he came back an hour later with another helper and the new fridge. It's just as big as the previous one, in fact the freezer compartment seems a little bigger. And it's white instead of puke yellow. At last I have cold food.

While the apartment and my daily routine were all in a shambles, I might as well get more service done. So I called Rogers Cable. They sent over a serviceman within three hours to install high speed internet.

By dinnertime the place was a mess and I had the nagging feeling I was getting nothing important done. Where does that come from? The past three days have been incredibly full.

With only 25 minutes to spare, I remembered by date with Colleen to discuss her tattoo, got my act together and drove to the -bar. After a basket of wings, a pint of Keith's and a chat with my friend, I felt more relaxed. Came home and phoned Brenna, then Danny.

Comments

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

good on you, sounds like a nice day.

where does that come from, that need to be PRODUCTIVE? I know I feel it at times and when it hits, it isn't about the 30 things I've already completed, it is about those things I haven't finished.

be well
connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You put it very well. It's an insinuating guilt that strikes precisely when I'm behaving most proactively.

be woof
van