Order versus chaos

[vaneramos]

Kingsmill Avenue, March 5

Where does it come from: the gnawing fear that presses around whenever I'm not getting things done. No matter what I've accomplished in a day, it's the things I didn't do that weigh on the mind. Yesterday after having the new fridge delivered and the cable guy install high-speed internet, I felt uneasy about going out and leaving the kitchen in a shambles. Two years ago I wouldn't have blinked.

The house I grew up in was never untidy, except for my bedroom. My parents never left a single dirty dish in the sink at night. Once Dad pulled out the vacuum cleaner in the middle of a New Years Eve party because someone had stepped on a chip. Even the boxes in the workroom were piled neatly. Everything had its place.

This winter I've brought my apartment to an unprecedented degree of order. I don't want it immaculate. Manageable chaos is healthy and fertile.

So why the quick clench of panic? Because chaos has a habit of expanding. Because seeing the mess ooze across the floor reminds me of unhappier, lonelier times. I've been taking steps to get control of my life, and I dread the signs of surrender.

Comments

[kwintt.livejournal.com]

Ah, but there's a difference between choosing not to do something and being dominated by chaos. I may choose not to do chores for several days because I am working on a project, then, through an act of will, I catch up. It is your game; you can make the rules any way you like.

[michaelkeane.livejournal.com]

I think your journal is absolutely wonderful.

Nice to meet you.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

I'm with you in some ways Van.

Like tonight, I went in and washed several days of dishes. What drives me to do so? the fact that they are taking over the counter and that I'll run out of clean dishes if I don't do them. :-)

This weekend I'm going to actually take some major time and really do a spring cleaning in the kitchen, that is pull out the stove, the fridge, clean behind/under and do the wall with amonia/water solution and really clean things good that a daily/weekly cleaning do not get.

But having things orderly and organized does help in making one calmer, more relaxed as that means things are just dumped in the middle of the floor, closet or wherever and that when you need to find something, chances are you'll know where it is.

Also, the visual clutter just makes one antsy in the long run.

My bedroom is the one place where work still needs doing, but I've made considerable progress of late so that's nice.

I hate excess clutter and messyness and besides, I've always been something of a clean freak in some ways.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

maneagable chaos... sure beats the unmanageable kind.

not much to say other then I am here I read I chuckle and I think good things at you.

be well

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm so used to the expectations of others clamouring against my choices that it's hard to drown out the voices. But you're absolutely right: I'm making my own rules and patterns.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Welcome to my journal! I see we have some things in common and look forward to hearing from you. :-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm more of a mess freak, myself. :-)

Good luck with the cleaning.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed it. Your words from the day before, about how it's the unfinished things hanging over us, have been on my mind. Gotta laugh, it's the only way.

cheers

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I may take pics and perhaps blog about it all. :-)