To marry or not

[vaneramos]

Last night after choir practice, a few of the lesbians were buzzing with excitement about the Ontario Court of Appeal ruling opening the way for same-sex marriages. Apparently cities outside Toronto are dragging their heals about issuing marriage licenses, even though Ontario's Attorney-General has given the go-ahead. Diane wanted to gather a group of couples together and arrive at Kitchener City Hall en masse. Karen and her partner went into the Guelph office yesterday to get a marriage license but the clerk refused to issue one. She would only take their information.

She told them, "I would hesitate, too, if someone was trying to marry their uncle."

So Karen and her partner drove to Toronto City Hall, but later they heard on the news that Guelph has changed its mind. Tomorrow, they are getting married.

The women kept ribbing Mark and Bob about it. Mark blushed, tapped his partner's knee affectionately and said, "Bob hasn't proposed yet."

"Why am I the one who has to propose?" Bob protested.

Bob was already married to a man once in Denmark. He said same-sex marriage made a difference there in the way gays and lesbians perceived themselves. They stopped feeling like second-class citizens.

Sitting, listening to these conversations, I wasn't sure where I fit in. schillerium's comment to my post the other day kept ringing in the back of my mind: that this ruling might set up a division 'between the "good queers" who marry and live nice, respectable, conventional lives, and the "bad queers" who are polyamorous, or go to bathhouses, or otherwise don't buy into the whole marriage thing. ' I can't count the times I have felt like a second-class citizen because I don't have a partner. It took me five years to break into gay social life in Guelph, and being single made it harder. While my friends talk about marriage, adoption and having babies, I keep fairly quiet about my personal life.

I can talk to Jon or Sylvie about anything, but neither of them share my views on relationships. Bob and Mark are probably the only friends here who can relate.

We must respect the full diversity of the way humans express themselves in relationships: straight, gay or bi, transgendered or asexual, monogamous or polyamorous. Probably I'm missing someone here. My point is, we should be free to love and relate however we wish, with integrity, and without judging those who relate differently.

I like anoisblue's post which observes how we take the natural function of sex and "weave it into baskets of romantic love and fill them full of expectations." Not that there's anything wrong with romantic love, but if we accept it as the only valid vessel for sexual creativity, we oscure part of the spectrum of human expression.

Eventually the over-40 set left our weekly pub council and I moved down the table to sit with Jon, Michaela and a bevy of younger lesbians who all have partners.

They weren't talking about getting married. Even Bonnie and Tana. Tana is expecting a baby this fall.

They were talking about lists. Lists they made when they started their relationships. Lists of women they were still allowed to have sex with if they had the chance. Women like Jane Siberry and Sarah McLachlan, even a particular member of the choir who apparently exudes some kind of lesbian pheromone. Everyone was giggling and teasing. It was all a joke.

But so, I think, was getting married or making a commitment on anyone else's terms. I don't expect to see any of these younger women trooping down to city hall tomorrow. Maybe they will, sooner or later. But I hope this community keeps an open mind toward those of us who don't.

Comments

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

They were talking about lists. Lists they made when they started their relationships. Lists of women they were still allowed to have sex with if they had the chance. Women like Jane Siberry and Sarah McLachlan, even a particular member of the choir who apparently exudes some kind of lesbian pheromone. Everyone was giggling and teasing.

Ken and I did the same sort of thing. It's funny.

I really enjoyed this very honest and informative post, V. It hadn't occurred to me that there might be a similar divide between the coupling kind and the single kind among gays like it is among straights. Straight singles do feel the same way, though--not like 2nd class citizens, but they are certainly left out of a lot. Especially when couples start having children and hanging out with other "parents" and their kids or find their connections through PTA, kids soccer or boy scouts. I wonder if what you feel in the gay community is akin to that sort of separateness? For one thing, coupled people are often fearful of introducing a single person into their intimate circles for fear that one of the partnered will find them way, way appealing and something might happen. I bet that's an issue in all communities.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

If I moved to the Toronto ghetto I could find enough like-minded people to surround myself and escape from that feeling of separateness. Ironically, it is my value of a diverse community which has kept me in Guelph. In a smaller community, we have to stick together. I think we're better people for it, but it isn't always easy.

For one thing, coupled people are often fearful of introducing a single person into their intimate circles for fear that one of the partnered will find them way, way appealing and something might happen.

This is part of the reason it took me so long to build a circle of friends. Coming out at 31, many guys in my age group were already partnered. It took a long time for me to meet men who saw me as more than a potential romp. But patience has paid off.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Is this the right time to introduce Van and others who might be reading to The Alternatives To Marriage Project, which has as its goal NOT opposing marriage, but PROMOTING more respect for other ways of living, singly or together?

I'm really excited about all the positive movement in Canada towards recognition of same-sex marriage. And as a person involved with (at least) two people, I fully expect to be treated like a second-class citizen by many of my fellow queers if and when the US catches up. In fact, it already happens to some degree. The nice version is questions like "Can I assume that your multiple relationships are kind of shallow?" There are nastier forms.

Then again, a recent post in xtc_cub's journal shows that monogamous gay men are catching shit from people, too. Expect jealousy of and backlash toward same-sex couples to be one more little feature of Ontario's change, even from within the community. It's a big tangle. People feel vulnerable in so many ways, even when good news comes along.

(posted twice to fix ATMP URL)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Pete. It looks like a valuable link.

At last night's post-wedding party, my friend Marg and I had a brief bonding session affirming ourselves as singles!