Solo sex

[vaneramos]

At age 11 I felt the first sweet hurt and flow of strange fluid on my hand. I thought I had discovered something rare and miraculous.

Between ages 19 and 26 when I was celibate, my church considered masturbation sinful. Still, it was my only outlet for all those years.

Nowadays, with 15 dildoes, cock rings, ball stretchers, weights, bungies, other toys and my porn collection, I have a self-loving session several evenings a week. Sometimes I like it more than sex with men. How much is too much? Nobody knows how to please myself the way I do. Do my esoteric rituals hold me back from opening to others?

On the other hand my boyfriend pleases me in ways I cannot. Sex alone and with men can hardly be compared.

Lately I have felt more secure and willing to take risks in sharing intimacy. I don't have to be so defensive; people can only hurt me if I let them. Sometimes I need affection, attention and the opportunity to give generously of myself.

But other times I still need to be alone and go to that place of private exploration. It is a gift to myself. I'm exorcising shame.