Troubled journey

[vaneramos]

Through sunglasses





Farmland near Caledon, typical landscape north of Toronto


As I turned homeward after dropping Brenna off, I had a long afternoon drive ahead of me. I felt impatient, fighting against time and boredom. I've experienced some difficult emotions lately. The cognitive therapy group requires recording of feelings and thoughts. One would expect someone who journals as much as I do should find this easy. I thought I had already become self-aware.

I'm discovering deeper layers to uncover. It's not enough to repeat the meditation, "Let me be full of kindness and love, let me be well, let me be peaceful and at ease, let me be happy." That doesn't address underlying reasons why I may feel resentment, anxiety, frustration, or sadness. If I push causative thoughts away, they'll return when I'm not paying attention. I must instead develop the habit of recognizing and replacing them with balanced thinking.

It's hard on long drives. Habitually my mind sinks and brews on familiar, stale themes. Today I was too tired for rigorous mental exercise. Disconsolate thoughts overwhelmed me.

Sunset finally provided distraction. Stopping and emerging from the car with my camera, I encountered bitter wind gusting across rolling countryside. It forced me out of my head, into skin and eyes.





The sun set at 5:53 pm