Love's progress

[vaneramos]

More than three years ago I began to think of myself as polyamorous. My ideals about relationships had changed. I didn't want to possess or be possessed by anyone. I didn't like putting rules or limits on love. It was something to be given away, and might express itself in different ways with different people.

This was an academic conclusion, because I had no romantic ties at the time. In fact I had doubts about ever falling in love or having a relationship again.

The idea prepared me well for meeting djjo, bitterlawngnome and danthered. I did not immediately expect to find a place in their family, but from the beginning felt open to whatever might transpire. I met them on July 4, 2003, and by October Danny and I had developed strong feelings for one another, with support from his partner, Bill, and their circle of friends.

For two years the idea of polyamory still felt academic for me personally. Danny was unlike anyone I had dated before, a quiet and steady presence in my life. I've come to think of him as my anchor. I could imagine falling in love again, and that the object of this affection would be different from him and fill a distinct role in my life. But the idea seemed impractical, as if my heart were too fragile to open up more. Danny's household remained an essential part of my life, and I had other friends and sexual partners, but the relationships always stopped short of romantic love, whatever that is.

Nevertheless, it has happened during the past year, not once but twice. Adding to the surprise, it has happened in distance relationships, something I formerly avoided. This too comes thanks to Danny; without his nearness I would not have been open to these geographical distances.

Stephen and Connor are much different from one another and Danny. Each moves me in unique ways.

The chances of being able to spend more than a little holiday time with these two men in the future seems slight, but that doesn't scare me the way I thought it would. I'm happy to let my feelings be what they are, and let my lovers' feelings be what they are. While I'm at home in Guelph or Toronto, it's as if part of me has gone to live (or dream) in Atlanta, and part in Phoenix. I am moved by the hope of seeing them again. Sometimes these feelings are intense and I must face them alone.

But I don't feel torn by that. In fact it heightens my understanding of various qualities of love toward other friends I cherish (Elisabeth or Ziggy, for instance), even for my daughters. It is a richness of heart. Enriched by those I love, I am grateful.

And all this, thanks to LiveJournal.