In isolation

[vaneramos]

I'm supposed to be doing something else, but....

I'm trying to go headfirst into feelings, not push them away. Having dismantled the structure of habit, particularly those meaningless entertainments that typically fill my quiet weeknights at home, I encounter boredom.

And under the scratched surface of boredom, barely but carefully covered, something swells suddenly like an aneurysm to bursting. A feeling that used to dominate life terribly and unbearably. More recently I have come to terms with solitude, embraced it, recognized it's essential to my life and work. And I am well.

But tonight, having planned specific work (to start mailing poetry to journals), having nothing else to do because this schedule tears away false walls of avoidance, I find this thing lurking in the background.

Loneliness.

I used to fear it more than anything else. Now it's just a pang on a Monday evening. Sometimes I would rather see a familiar smile, hear a voice or movement in the next room.

The plant is Monotropa uniflora, Indian-pipe. It grows at the edge of my cottage garden, under some mountain maples. It's a wildflower adapted to deep woods. It has dispensed with chorophyll and cannot produce its own food. The old field guides call it saprophagic, meaning it lives on dead matter. Newer botanical understanding of plant communities would probably suggest a more complex reality, that the plant's roots are engaged symbiotically with certain fungi, connected in turn with tree roots. Forest ecosystems are intricately complex. The more we know about living organisms, the harder it become to separate discrete species. One isolated from those it depends on makes no sense.

Comments

[artricia.livejournal.com]

Good luck Van. I sympathize. I find that the anziety that rears up in such times (usually when I've sworn off TV) often has to do with just getting used to not being distracted. Not always, but often. After a while, it usually abates.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

And tonight it has managed to distract me and avert my plans. But your comment is helpful. Hopefully next time I have set aside for this project (Thursday night), I'll be better prepared to go through the feelings and have a clearer idea of what I want to accomplish.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I still fear loneliness. Wish i could motivate myself to write about current currents but I can't seem to. Glad you do. You often speak for others when you describe your truth so clearly, you know.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

I'll never forget the time bitterlawngnome found some Indian pipe growing in the maple bush at Amber Fox. He was so excited and almost awe-struck by the event. I had not a clue just what the delicate little plants were. Now this photo comes from you to remind me of a moment of pure magic deep in the woodlands.

[bohemianvegan.livejournal.com]

I like Indian pipe! I think they go upright when they drop their seeds. They go downwards through their stems.

[clairenolen.livejournal.com]

what an interesting plant!! I'm sorry you feel/felt lonely, Van. When i think about when i feel/felt lonely it's mainly between people, not when i'm by myself. I hope you can find a way to make loneliness your friend.
hugs

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It doesn't always come easily to express my truth, but I do believe in the value of doing so, and I'm glad it speaks for others, too.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Some summers pass completely and I miss seeing them in my own garden, so I can understand the thrill of that moment.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow, I didn't know that! Cool.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It is immeasurably worse to feel lonely around someone than lonely and alone. I have felt that. A lot of my personal growth the past decade has revolved around embracing solitude, learning to be my own hero, so I can say loneliness has become my friend. It just came at me from an unexpected angle last night, which probably had to do with the fact that I was processing other feelings relating to a friend (anger and fear of loss), which have been resolved now.

It is also unquestionably related to the fact that I'm trying to change patterns of avoidance, and uncovering new depths of feeling underneath. Loneliness is a better, more honest friend than avoidance.

[capitalcor.livejournal.com]

Sometimes your posts make me nervous. Stay in the fight.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

This spoke to me last night, perhaps a little too close to home, because I am so often surrounded by people that I have, to some extent, lost my ability to be alone *without* being lonely. The lines between those two feelings are distinct (at least for me) but I often have the ability to cross between them when I am not expecting to. I try to create solitude for myself a little more often lately, so that I can re-acquire the skills of being happily alone when I need or want to be.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I will. I have about as much fight now as ever. I believe I need to stay present with my emotions rather than pushing them away.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I hope that works for you, Pete. Ultimately, we need to be on good terms with solitude, even if we prefer to be around others.