Suddenly

[vaneramos]

I am better. I know this because last night after arriving home from the library, I washed dishes at 10 p.m. And this morning I made breakfast first thing after getting out of bed. As I sat down with coffee, I not only knew but wanted what needs to be done today. Ideas interacted. Things put themselves together in my head. Later I felt like going for a walk in the snow. And I'm not daunted about putting myself forward—the hundred-and-one things that scared, irritated and alienated me from society seem suddenly insignificant.

It doesn't matter whether this happened because November ended, or the increased dosage of mirtazipine kicked in, or the god of misery simply arched his wings and flew elsewhere.

This doesn't feel temporary. I know the contours of my inner landscape, and I see the way opening ahead. I'm 80 per cent certain, and the 20 per cent isn't worth worrying about.

When lost I can't choose to find the path, only call my coping skills into play, and struggle in whatever direction seems best. Sometimes, spirits drained, I must give up and be still for a while. The past 10 days have been the worst of the year. It seems unfair that the universe should play such tricks on a body, but nature has nothing to do with fairness, it just is. I have emerged. Living seems relatively effortless today, and that is enough.

Next time this happens, I should not try so hard to write. Words won't string together, and in trying I only invite despair. The nonverbal action of drawing would satisfy me better. I thought of that earlier this week, but didn't quite get to it. I might still try it this afternoon if I have time.

Thanks to everyone who commented here the past few days. I'm not going to try to catch up on replies. Bill and Danny, I loved the videos. And Sean, I'm especially grateful for the emails.

This afternoon I must finish processing the photos for Les. He called this morning to confirm work for the next few days. Tomorrow and Friday we'll tune an organ in Kitchener. Monday, Tuesday and possibly Wednesday we'll work in Toronto.

Yesterday was a pastel-lighted winter sunrise. Today snow streams from a pale purple sky.

Comments

[lichtgespinst.livejournal.com]

so glad to hear that you are feeling better, Van!!
I could already tell by the energy in your email that you are on your way to a more stable and constructive place inside yourself.
I keep my fingers crossed that things keep going into the right direction for you!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I was pretty sure last night, but this morning when I woke without the usual heaviness, I knew it was over for now. This is good.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

I'm 80 per cent certain, and the 20 per cent isn't worth worrying about.

That's fantastic. It's the lesson we all need to learn.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

When I feel well, I try not to look at it too closely. ;-)

[rsc.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear you're feeling better.

I wonder if it would be helpful to save this post and keep it somewhere where you'll see it the next time the depression (if that's what it is) strikes -- may the day never come! -- just to remind you that it's temporary.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

And Dave, this shouldn't diminish how much I enjoyed spending time with the three of you on Saturday evening. It was a nice break from the day-to-day, and a high point of the week. Hugs and thanks back to all of you.

[bixie.livejournal.com]

glad to hear things are clearing up. :>

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Not really, because I don't forget that. October and November tend to be bad months, but I usually pull out of it around the beginning of December. It was just a question of time. I can't imagine I'll ever undergo months of hell like in the past, because I've done much to improve my circumstances and way of living. Knowing that I'm going to get through it within a few days or weeks makes the depression less delibitating, but it is still debilitating.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm glad too! Did you finish Nano? I remember reading on the last day that you still had a few thousand words to write, but I missed the conclusion.

[zombietruckstop.livejournal.com]

Yay :)

[bixie.livejournal.com]

I did, indeed, finish.

I think I would have given up again this year if d. hadn't been writing with me, and looking to use my giving up as his own excuse to stop. :>

I now have the beginning of the beginning of the same story that is stuck in my head, so maybe next year I'll write the end of the beginning and/or some more of the middle. and the year after that the end. and call them all sequels, or something. ;>

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Smooch.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yay, congrats!

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

I may remain ludicrously busy of late, but I'm reading along if not posting, & am really glad to read that you have indeed turned a corner.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

My thanks. It usually happens in "one day", and I usually know it, so this is good.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

It occurs to me, in view of what you said in reply to my other comment, that it's particularly unfortunate (for you and your readers) that NaNoWriMo is in November.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, that is a difficulty. The fact that I had recently met Danny and was falling in love undoubtedly affected my brain chemistry and contributed to the writing of Tendril in November 2003. I don't know about 2004, when I wrote Pilgrim's Cross, but I didn't get depressed that autumn. November has been particularly bad the past two years. Last year I didn't even try to write NaNo. This year I attempted it, and had to stop within the first week.

I just need to concentrate my efforts in different seasons. I know, for example, that February is a good month for writing. Hopefully I won't be too busy.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

xoxo