Tears

[vaneramos]

My mother seldom wept for sadness, except at funerals, but she often wept for joy. Sometimes it was bittersweet joy, the kind that often visited women of her generation, who grew up with most relatives living nearby, but saw their own children move to distant cities. Still it seemed she shed tears more at greetings than farewells. I felt more like my father, never quite so given-over to emotion.

I've reached a fortunate life passage when hope seems reasonable. I always hoped things would start to work out for me—not because I actually believed they would, but because not-hoping was unbearable and self-fulfilling. Hope hardly made sense, but became a strategy for survival, a risk worth taking.

Now I actually begin to suspect I might have the opportunity to do some things I wanted to do in my life, in fact I'm beginning to do them. Some are big dreams, but most are small, like buying myself a pair of boots, going to a car wash, or beginning to watch birds more, again.

With the long weekend upon me, I'm looking forward to a few days spent with Brenna, Marian, Sonny and Danny at the cottage. On the drive home from Fergus this afternoon, the weather was perfect, the very finest Ontario ever offers. The forecast promises more good weather for the next few days.

The farm with the maple avenue I so admire, which never quite likes to be photographed, stood up and posed for me. I stopped at a wayside market I've noticed before, advertizing meat and cheese. They also sell elderberry pies. I bought one, along with fresh rhubarb, asparagus, dinner rolls, and four pounds of ribs for the barbecue.

The sky was so blue, and happiness so pressed inside my chest, it made me weep like Mother. Tears of exuberance accompany the knowledge that everything must change. Pleasure, love and beauty must all pass away, but as long as they endure, we plough our hearts into them.

Comments

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Hope...a strategy for survival...there is something profound in that. So good to hear you feeling this way.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

This is a wonderful thing, Van.

Have I mentioned to you I will be in Toronto over the July 4 weekend?

[ink-ling.livejournal.com]

I've reached a fortunate life passage when hope seems reasonable. The idea of hope's being reasonable is something I very much identify with. In fact, I find so much peace in so many of your posts, V, because the articulation of these perspectives feel so familiar to me. Like, say, the fit of a good pair of boots. :) Or the use of word plough here in the last sentence.

Dang! You say thangs good, I say!

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

What a spectacular photograph, Van and a lovely, lovely journal entry.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Glad to be feeling it more often. :-)

A strategy learned from years of trying hard to not gaze too long or closely at the gaping pit of despair. I know those moods might sweep me from time to time, but it feels like I'm at least finding a foothold that I feel secure in.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Omigosh, no you didn't. What are your plans? I really hope to get to see you.

Are we still on for Atlanta in the summer? I am very much looking forward to it. It sounds like August would work better for me work-wise.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hehe, funny thing is this pair of boots isn't as comfortable as the last, but there's a comfort in knowing I could afford to buy them for myself. (They're insulated and great for the winter, but they're too hot for hiking, so I'll need another pair now.)

Anyway, I'm delighted to share words with you, J.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Atlanta is still very much on. :)

I'm in Toronto for a softball tournament that weekend...and I'm sure time can be arranged.

I haven't gotten my specific travel arrangements yet...I'll let you know when that happens. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Lisa, thank you. As the days pass, you probably have no idea how much I am moved and inspired by your writing. My writing has felt ragged lately. I've taken some knocks, and wondered whether I am growing tired of trying to be a wordsmith. Then suddenly I have some little thing to say, and if it comes out well, that gives me pleasure. Honestly, honestly, I was thinking about you when I started with the bit about my mother.

Gratefully,
Van

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Man, I can't wait. I've been thinking every day about seeing you this summer. Twice? Even better!

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

I feel both honored and humbled that you said that, Van. Thank you.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

this is beautiful Van,

makes me happy to think of you in such a place mentally and emotionally

love and light
Connor

[thewindrose.livejournal.com]

This made me feel happy to read it.

I also love the photos - the one you posted and the one in your icon. They are so full of color, and fit together so wonderfully.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's a good place to be.

Life has been incredibly busy, but I hold thoughts of you. How are you?

Love and peace,
Van

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Those colours would be almost unbelievable if I hadn't been there to see them. Glad you enjoyed!