Surfacing (briefly)

[vaneramos]

The evening I arrived home from the trip, I talked to Danny on the phone, and he was surprised at my voice: he said I sounded so unstressed. It was true. I haven't had much opportunity to travel these past 12 years. Travel suits me. Maybe I should have been a journalist after all. I came home from Atlanta, Knoxville and Pittsburgh refreshed and recharged.

One week at home and the edge is lost. This doesn't always have to be the way, but there are certain factors at play, and I don't see them getting better for the next while.

So I'm taking a quick break from writing about the trip (I still have more images and stories to share) to tell where I am at this moment.

Mom and Dad had to go home from the cottage on Thursday because she was experiencing a lot of swelling in her arm, neck and face, and the oncologist wanted to see her. Until now we supposed water-retention was a side-effect of the chemo therapy (because chemo can do that). The oncologist has switched her to a different drug, but said the swelling is due to the cancer, and unavoidable. Mom is taking it in stride, says she feels well, and they're returning to the cottage this week. But of course it is uncomfortable, the first real sign of the disease becoming palpable, beginning to kill her.

The strong bond I had with Mom for so many years is beginning to reassert itself. She has been on my mind all afternoon, and at moments I was afraid I was going to start drilling wrong-sized holes in a toe board. I feel I'm going to lose her soon, have already accepted this, but it begins to create a hollowness. Hints of it started to hit when I first heard the diagnosis five years ago, but I guess it's going to occupy more and more of my consciousness until some future time. I don't want to let her go, but now is not the time to resist her passage, because other family members are holding on tighter, and that only makes it more unpleasant for her. I used to be her confidant, I'm becoming one again, and must continue listening without succumbing to fear.

There are other things on my mind, but that is the most pressing.

Marian and Brenna were here over the weekend. Last summer we made a covenant to hike the entire Bruce Trail in our lifetimes. Saturday we made a modest start. Our time was limited, due to road closures and difficulties interpreting maps, but we did cover a short length of the trail near Forks of the Credit, ending up at an isolated green pond where I photographed this leopard frog. As ever, I'm grateful for their company on this journey.

I will also take next week off work to spend with them. We'll hike some more, attend a Rufus Wainwright concert, and end up spending the long weekend with my parents at Lake Fletcher.

My presence on LJ has subsided to post-only for a while now. I haven't been able to read, across the board, so please don't take it personally. This is part of my adjustment to working full-time and becoming more active in the local community. As an introvert I need solitude to recharge, and have learnt that engaging on LJ is not necessarily the kind of me-time I need. Many relationships here have become important to me, and I don't care to let any of them slip away, but for now I must be content in trying to maintain them by other means, hoping perhaps I'll find time to resume more LJ activity later.

Comments

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

I'm just glad you're working full time (and I hope that it's fulfilling!) and still spend time with your family and friends.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I'm glad you were able to get a good trip in, though. Also, you have lovely girls, as always.

My mom and her friends have hiked the whole of the Bruce Trail and mom and dad were active in the association for a long time. The trail also runs right by their place. If you have any questions on planning, timing to get the best out of any area, or anything like that, let me know.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh my... look at them all grown up and beautiful. Van, you're so lucky to have those girls. :-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is fulfilling, although I crave more time for other pursuits, and at the end of the day I'm pretty worn out. But I'm starting to sort out some priorities, as you suggest, and that's also satisfying.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow, thanks for the offer. I know a little about some parts of the trail, and have a guide book, but your family's experience would be valuable. Say, Brenna is going to be here alone with me over the weekend. I wonder about getting together for coffee or something. It would be cool if she could meet Mystic (they did years ago, but that's not the same). It's good to hear from you!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Very lucky indeed!

[e-musings.livejournal.com]

Hi-your girls aren't little anymore! They are lovely young women.

Congratulations on your full time employment! I can relate about being an introvert.

Did you like Pittsburgh? Where did you go there?

Sorry to hear about your mom.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

I would love that, if we can fit it in around Toril's soccer. That would be fun.

Almost utterly off topic! Is there any chance you or someone you know might be able to do some portrait shots of Mys? She's feeling rather 'unpretty' because she doesn't look like, and here I quote, "all the girls at the mall". She's mentioned wanting some pictures that make her look pretty, because most photos of her, she's dirty and sweaty (and gorgeous, but she doesn't see it).

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

They're such pixies! They look like they're ready to sprout wings and just flit away...

[jwg.livejournal.com]

I hope things do go a bit better with your mom.

And that frog is incredible. Keep posting pictures when you get a chance.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

Your mom is lucky to have you as a confidant, especially since you are someone close to her who is approaching this in a healthy, natural way. I am sure it isn't easy, of course. My thoughts are with you all.

By the way, the first picture is absolutely brilliant! I wish I'd taken that.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Incredible froggy photo! Van, I expect you are a tremendous comfort to your Mom. There's nothing like a son-confidant to soothe a mother's heart.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

If you would like to get some arty shots done for her by a professional portrait photographer, I recommend Danny's partner [Unknown site tag]. You can get a sense of his style by scrolling through his journal, which is mostly photography. Alternatively, I enjoy doing portrait photography, too, so I'd be happy to set something up.

This weekend we won't be available until after 3:30 on Saturday. Then we have no plans, so let me know what Toril's schedule is like.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I was delighted with Pittsburgh. Besides the fact that I want to spend more time with Ziggy and her family, it's a beautiful city with an appealing atmosphere to it, so I'll be going back. It would be fun to meet you!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The similarity is even more striking in person. ;-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Photos, I will do. As for Mom, we've reached the point where things aren't going to get better, but we'll make the most of the time.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

There are some other hard things going on in my parents' lives just now, besides Mom's illness. It's family stuff I won't go into, but it's unfair for them, and heart-wrenching. Fortunately I'm emotionally removed form it, so I can be present for them, and I'm glad the time is past when I could not do so.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Ah, I imagine you know that well! I'm glad Mom and I stand on that basis again.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

I will keep your family in my thoughts.

On another, lighter note, have you watched any Tin Tin yet?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah! We watched several episodes when the girls were here over the weekend. They were incredibly cheesy. We had a great time.