Asexual?

[vaneramos]

I've been seeking words to articulate the evaporation of my libido. This is hard, because I don't know whether any of my friends share the experience, and I feel isolated by it. Last month I said half-jokingly to a lesbian writer friend that I was considering coming out as asexual. She guffawed and asked when I had last had sex. It had been two weeks.

It's not that I am celibate, or want to be. I haven't lost my attraction to men. It's just that the labours of sex and the pleasure of orgasm—heaven knows I've frequently been subject to the most intense ectstasy—are losing their appeal. It's possibly an effect of ageing. I've considered the possibility some kind of therapy might alter this course. Testosterone even?

I doubt that would make me happier, and it runs against whatever natural process is at work. I abhor the widespread quest for an elixir of youth. I prefer to take root in whatever I am, rather than conforming to the usual expectations.

Meanwhile I appreciate the freedom to turn more energy to creative pursuits. A weekend alone at home seems more like a gift, and I don't feel impoverished by the lack of sex.

This does not reflect negatively on my relationship with Danny. He has been the perfect lover, allowing me the freedom to be who I am.

But I have qualms about continuing to live on my own, and I fear that sex is the biggest bargaining chip for a relationship with a man. Among bears it is practically a social currency, and I am still enamoured of bears.

I crave affection, intimacy, tenderness, attention, beauty and appreciation. I remain polyamorous, though my understanding of the idea has long been unusual. I want emotional freedom more than a sexual banquet. I revel in chemistry, honour, passion, knowing and being known, touch, sense, strength, vulnerability, challenge. I will plunge into the arena of verbal, emotional and physical intercourse, when it is open to me.

Sometimes I even still like sex, especially as a repercussion when two souls happily collide and find themselves naked together, but that is rare, and must not be required.

So I'm not exactly asexual, but verging on it, another oddball identity.

Comments

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

I can relate.
It's simply not the most important aspect of relating for me anymore and I use to have a very high libido and felt that sex was tied in directly with my creativity. I've often thought it was the anti depressants but I also see how I am turning inward in other ways as well.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

This resonates with me too as I feel I'm more sensual than sexual in many ways and part of that may well be maturity in that in the end, they do achieve the same thing, but in different ways. Sexual is in many ways, merely animalistic while sensuality goes a lot further in the emotional realm of love making by utilizing, I think, foreplay as much as anything to achieve the same result and I think in the end, it's more satisfying for the longer haul than pure sex, simply by its very very nature.

but then again, being a creative myself and one who has ideation as a strength, I tend to view things from a different angle to begin with.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Speaking from the hetero angle, I think there is an awful lot of hype to make us believe it is normal to go on being hot for sex forever and ever, into the sixties, seventies, eighties. (Or maybe more accurately, hype to make us feel it's abnormal if the libido cools off.) And why would that pressure exist, I wonder, and I think it's the economic pressure to keep "needing" products! such as Viagra... I sometimes think the traditional Hindu model makes sense, where you have your household and raise the kids and then you move off into the woods and meditate. I honestly think it's natural for the body to start wanting peace instead of stimulation, at least more often.

It's maturing honey...

[blt4success66.livejournal.com]

I think as we grow older, sexual relations, while plausible and possible, aren't as important as the intimacy we seek. We grow older and we don't want to exit this world alone, alas, many will.

I don't think you should consider the cooling of your libido as an exit, but as a doorway to another, deeper context in your relationship with Danny and others. Sex is always desirable but we live in a society that embraces that pornographic ideal that sex has to be hot, energetic and riveting all the time.

It doesn't...and that's what makes us appreciate the intimacy all the much more.

Do I make sense?

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

I believe the libido will naturally cycle through degrees of desire as a way to accomodate the body's needs.

And I also believe it's not unusual for the seasons to have an effect on the body, sometimes creating a sort of sexual hibernation in Winter and then increased interest in sex in the Spring.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

well, i haven't had sex with anyone else for maybe 5 years. it isn't killing me, though i'd sure like to find love again, to "happily collide with another soul," as you put it so nicely.

age does have a lot to do with the fluctuations of libido. missprune's comment, above, makes a lot of sense. the key, though, is how contented you are, it seems to me. if you were agonizing over this, i'd worry for you.

[bezigebij.livejournal.com]

I want emotional freedom more than a sexual banquet. I revel in chemistry, honour, passion, knowing and being known, touch, sense, strength, vulnerability, challenge. I will plunge into the arena of verbal, emotional and physical intercourse, when it is open to me.

This strikes me as a very normal and healthy way to look at things. I feel this way a lot too. My emotional freedom is far more important to me than sex. If the two go hand and hand...great! But if I have to choose...not a hard choice.

That said, I think desire ebbs and flows and can be awakened by something intrinsic in ourselves or through inspiration elsewhere (which can and is very often another person). I like that sex and desire sometimes have an important role in my life and sometimes other things are important. It's good to have these cycles and seasons.

Also, really like the seed head photo as a companion to this post. It's solitary and wintery and yet at the same time speaks of latent fertility and promise of springs to come.

another oddball identity

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

This made me grin, then I felt a bit fuzzy, then I had a nidge of guilt.
Then I sat here debating on a response or a silent wave of warmth.

In the end I opted for a private response which I'll send via gmail later today, and an acknowledgement that your words made me think of you fondly and grin. Going back to times in your home, cottage, life, and arms.

Namaste
connor

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

As you say, and as others have said, this isn't necessarily a "problem." Just a difference. It may well be cyclical ... I know that the two-week figure you quote isn't meant to give us the absolute longest you have gone without sex, but just to let you know, it can go that long for me. Especially in winter. Despite my reputation as a sexually active fun slut. I can and do go without even self-pleasuring for that long, if I'm sans people to play with, if Alan is also at a low ebb, and so on. Yes, I've thought it may relate to aging as well. And possibly to depression .... but possibly not.

I'd happily take testosterone if someone said my depressions would be positively affected. Just to tweak my sex life, no. My sex life is fine, albeit sometimes less intense than formerly. And my cuddle/intimacy life is the big thing, of which the sex life is just a nice subset, but not the whole.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I've considered whether this might be a side effect of antidepressants, too, but it's a trend I first noticed six years ago when I wasn't taking anything, and mirtazapine (which I've been taking for about four years) isn't noted for causing sexual dysfunction.

I used to wonder, too, whether sex drive and creativity were intrinsically linked. What do you think about that now? To me it feels like my creative impulses have changed, but are still strong, perhaps more deliberate.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You make some interesting points, especially about foreplay. In the past I've been a connoisseur of foreplay. Nowadays I more often just want simple affection that doesn't necessarily lead to anything.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

it's natural for the body to start wanting peace instead of stimulation

That makes perfect sense, in fact it precisely describes how I feel a lot of the time. The woods is nice, too. What I worry about is being lonely.

Re: It's maturing honey...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You know, I'm really out of touch with what's going on in your life these days (this is true of most people I know on LJ). But you have managed to empathize particularly well with what I said, and with what I was trying to say, so I wonder what context your insight comes from.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I considered discussing the time frame for this change in my life, but it seemed to make the post more ponderous than necessary. This is a trend I first noticed at least six years ago, before I met Danny. My relationship with him persuaded me that it had just been a temporary reaction to several unpleasant experiences, but I'm not so sure, now that I'm in a stable relationship with someone whose company I always enjoy, and with whom I would like to be more sexually generous. The seasonal cycle has always been a strong factor for me, but the loss of interest in sex has been most noticeable during the spring and summer months of recent years. In spring of 2007 the expected return of randiness pretty much fizzled, and as the days begin lengthening again, my instincts tell me to expect nothing stronger this year. That's why I'm thinking and writing about it now, trying to get my head around.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks V. I have agonized over it from time to time. Funny how I finally come to putting it into words, just when I'm okay with it. I haven't suffered entirely in silence, but the few people I told simply didn't know what to make of it.

[twillhead.livejournal.com]

Hoo-boy, can I relate to this! I have been experiencing the same issues, which has been exacerbated by having to take Simvastatin (generic of Zocor) for high cholesterol. I still crave intimacy, but the sexual response that usually follows is often not there. As you point out, it is very difficult to find someone who would enjoy the former in lieu of the latter. Ergo I believe my chances of ever finding a new partner have dwindled down to below nil. It is great that you have Danny, but I also know that isn't exactly the point. I feel a sort of mourning in letting go of that part of myself, and I gather you feel the same. Judging from the number of comments you have received, we ain't alone in this, and I for one take a great deal of heart in that. I thought I was turning into a really, really bad gay man! ;-) Hugs to you, my sylvan friend. (p.s. The photo accompanying this entry seems particularly appropriate to your subject -- beautiful melancholia.)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your comments. I had been thinking about writing on this topic for some time, and somehow taking that picture on Saturday afternoon helped me to finally break into it.

Re: another oddball identity

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, it means a lot. I will write back next quiet evening I have at home, hopefully in two days.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The thing I found funny about my friend's question was that it seemed irrelevant to what I had just told her. The fact that I had had sex recently did not disprove that I was asexual. We know that sexual behaviour and sexual identity are not the same thing. What concerns me is not how infrequently I've been having sex, but how disinterested I've become. In fact I've been avoiding sex with everyone except Danny.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you replied. Despite the number of comments here, you're actually the first gay male I know who has admitted to a similar experience. I'm glad I'm not alone. You might be interested in checking out message boards and the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, which I joined last night. I'm certainly not asexual in the strict sense of the definition, but I find comfort in having discovered the resource. I notice there's lots of discussion on how asexual people can carry on relationships, but haven't gotten as far as reading about that yet.