Mom

[vaneramos]

Donna Mae Waffle, April 15, 1933 - February 20, 2008

Cathy, a friend of my parents, had brought Chinese food for dinner. Mom was looking forward to the wonton soup, but had no appetite when the time came. She had started needing oxygen the past few days, and didn't have much energy, but managed to greet Cathy. Mom was resting on the couch near the dining room table. When Dad and Cathy got up from dinner, he saw Mom absolutely still, and knew she was gone.

Things were just beginning to get rougher, so he feels it was merciful she went when she did.

marian_w says Nanum was always planning activities for everyone, so she chose to go on the night of a lunar eclipse when we all had something to do. We are all lovers of the night sky, and managed to pause a few moments in our different places and gaze upward—Marian, Brenna, Dad and I. I was with Sylvie, en route to her place to spend the night there again (for the third time in two weeks).

For months I have dreaded going through this time alone. It happens that Danny is on holidays this week and was able to set aside other commitments to be with me for a few days. This means more than I can say.

We will leave in a few minutes to spend the next few days with Dad. He has friends and relatives nearby, and doesn't seem to mind being alone, but I had promised Mom I would go spend time with him when she died. He isn't much of a cook, so I will try to make a few batches of soup or whatever he likes to put away in the freezer.

Many thanks for all the kind comments. I will try to respond properly later.

Emotionally it hasn't sunk in—or maybe I was just better prepared than I thought. I am not sad. Dad seems equally peaceful about it, and we are made of the same fibre. But my nervous system has reacted at the deeper, reptile level. Physical symptoms of panic are creeping around.

I started pulling out photographs last night when Sylvie was here. Then I discovered the worst impact of the flood. A large box of photographs, which I thought had escaped, was mostly stuck together in thick wads. Sylvie pulled out the few survivors (random images from my whole life: family, loved ones, and people I hardly remember) while I dashed around poking through high shelves and opening boxes in search of albums, which were mostly okay. My mind became increasingly scattered. I made a mess of the living room, but Sylvie insisted we put it all away before we left last night.

Later I dozed off with my laptop on Sylvie and Sarah's couch. Several times I awoke and thought I was in a color field painting: my white-socked feet, oval blobs on their square brown footstool against a solid orange background, which later would be visible nowhere. I finally managed to rouse myself enough to shut the laptop down and go to bed. I woke once in the night with a cold start. Today I feel like I haven't slept.

I'm looking forward to a few quiet days with Dad and Danny.

Comments

[tbone1961.livejournal.com]

HUGZ, Van!

[twillhead.livejournal.com]

It sounds as if she went very peacefully, after being ill for so many months. "Screw your courage to the sticking place..." Big hugs to you, Van.

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

I think the more "at peace" you are with someone, the less likely you are to feel badly about their passing. I was with my father when he died, but we spent many years of our adult lives not talking about things because of anger, fear, disappointment, even up to the end. Now that he's gone, so is the chance to feel any of those things, as unpleasant as they may seem. You'll mourn, I'm sure. I may be mistaken, but from what I know of you and the relationship you had with your mother (especially recently), you won't have as many regrets for things you never said.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful picture, and a beautiful woman. I'm sorry that she is gone. Don't worry about responding, just know you and the whole family are in my thoughts.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you and loving you.

[chrisglass.livejournal.com]

May your mother live strong in memory. Sincere condolence to your family Van.

[jeffbriggs.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear of your moms passing Van. She was quite a beautiful lady and it sounds like you had a great relationship.
i hope that the next few weeks will be kind to you as things do sink it. It is not an easy time as I know from experience and it may be years before the reality of all of this truly settles into you, if it ever does.
I find that the memories of the times with them help a lot.

I wish you the best.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Van Darling, I am so very sorry. And what a beautiful photo of her to share with us at this time of your bereavement. She exudes such dignity, grace, and inner beauty in the picture. I share your sense that you write here of knowing that at least she is now at peace and need "fear no more the heat o' the sun / nor the furious winter's rages."

I pray that your memories may be a consolation to you. And the touch about the eclipse (an especially powerful one for me personally) is bringing tears to my eyes.

much love,

Shimmer PS. So glad to hear that darling Danny is at your side at this time.

[willowing.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss Van.

[e-musings.livejournal.com]

Thank you for letting me (and all your readers) know how you are doing. You sound good. You and your family are in my thoughts. Take care.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

she was very handsome. it sounds like the last moments were peaceful. that is a mercy.

i'm glad you won't be alone for the next few days, van.

[e-compass-rosa.livejournal.com]

Peace to you and all your loved ones.

[osodecanela.livejournal.com]

Oh Van, what a beautiful photo! Such wisdom in those eyes and such peacefulness in that smile!

I'm so grateful to hear that your family is there and supporting one another and that Danny is there as well. Be gentle with yourself and with one another. Your mom was right asking you to be there for your father. As hard as it is and will be for you, it will be much more so for him. Our gender often is so bad at asking for support when we need it.

There is no set model or rules for our internal mourning. We each do it in our own way and at our own pace, much as the ebb and flow of our own lives and experiences. The important thing to remember we need not do it alone, as your mom so wisely counseled.

I lost my father a dozen years ago, and in some ways there is still a hole left by his passing. I knew the loss would be hard, but honestly, I really didn't understand how hard until I was there in the moment. However, one of the things that helped me the most to cope and grow through his loss, were words Pop offered when my grandfather died:

"Share the joy and it's multiplied;
share the pain and it's divided."

You all remain in my thoughts and my heart.

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful photograph.

Peace will come in fits and spurts. I'm glad you have such support around you.

This too shall pass

[apel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry but not surprised that you're feeling anxiety. You probably know it on an intellectual level but the passing of a parent is one of THE major stressful events in our lives. Regression to lower levels of coping is to be expected. It's a good time to be very gentle with yourself and cutting yourself massive amounts of slack.

It's good to hear that Danny is going to be there with you. Take it easy, Van.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

Panic right now -- the universe being out of joint -- is normal. I'm glad you'll have so much support over the next little while. I hope the next week or so goes well for you.

[weebax.livejournal.com]

It's ok to feel the way you do..don't hide your feelings let them loose it will eat inside of you..trust me....you are in my thoughts my friend during this diffucult time

[mathan.livejournal.com]

Our condolences, Van.

[kumazuki.livejournal.com]

I am truely saddened for your loss. My heart and thoughts are with you.

[art-thirst.livejournal.com]

Van, I'm so aorry to hear that. It's something we all have to face, especially as we get older. {{{hugs}}}

[teddyb.livejournal.com]

My condolences to you and your family, Van.

I'm so glad to know Danny can be with you now, and that you can be there for your father.

I know you are grieving now, and will be for some time to come, but I hope you will soon be able to think of your mother with the joy of remembrance of wonderful moments you shared.

Big hugs.

[devin101.livejournal.com]

Van, please know you have my deepest sympathies. I have always been inspired by your writings, and you have a beautiful soul. This was a lovely tribute to your mother.

[bremo.livejournal.com]

My deepest condolensces. *hugs*

[deanarae.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Van, but I'm glad she went peacefully. My thoughts are with you.

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

Van, I just now realized about your mom. I'm so sorry. She sure was beautiful.