Remembering what I want

[vaneramos]

When I have a free day I seem to have trouble nestling into the luxury. This morning I got up early, made a cup of tea, pottered for a while online, had breakfast, and pottered some more. When I got up from the computer it was three hours later and I was jittery as hell, torn by various priorities. Most of the things I have to do I also want to do, but there are too many of them and the day is short. Life is short and I've wasted three hours!

This is insane. My mind is too deeply rooted in the drive to accomplish things, to prove myself (even if only to myself), to make my life count or be remembered. I keep piling on anxiety, so the mind partly shuts down and slips into avoidance mode. Then I turn to mindless distraction rather than choosing something worthwhile. As long as I run in a half dozen directions at once, I will achieve nothing.

I've been contemplating Barry Lopez's suggestion that we should not "dole [time] out in a fretful way like a valued commodity" but let it lie flat and undifferentiated as the Arctic tundra. An hour of labour when my activity is dictated by other people's priorities is no more or less valuable than an hour to myself, which I can use creatively. Each is part of the package of my life, providing what is necessary. What is the use of time to myself if I am torn apart, unconscious of my motives, angry or otherwise miserable?

Of course there are things I want to do, and I should do them. My friend Pippa mentioned to me she read somewhere, "Self-discipline is remembering what you really want." In order to remember, I must slow down, stop worrying, reflect, and make decisions. I will place myself in the path of creativity and allow the most powerful inspiration to seize me.

Comments

[justapostcard.livejournal.com]

i really do love this flower. you said you got one for inside -- are they common? do they have a common name?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I have never seen them used outdoors in this climate, in fact I have never seen them anywhere except in this one favourite garden centre, however they're described in houseplant books. They're fussy, requiring direct sun and humidity, and wilting the moment the soil dries out. A southwest bathroom window, which I have, is ideal for them. There is also a white variety.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

P.S. The common name is cape leadwort, and the Latin name Plumbago also refers to the bluish-white colour of oxidized lead.

[bezigebij.livejournal.com]

I too was admiring the photo of the Plumbago and wondering if I could be self disciplined enough to keep it alive. I tend to forget to water that often, but if it's important to me, you would think I would...

[niyabinghi.livejournal.com]

This photo is just breathtaking; love it :)

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I'm familiar with the jittery feelings that come from losing focus, or not focusing to begin with. And that tiresome anxiety that makes it difficult to focus at all. It's an interesting state of mind to work with and I am always trying to cope through systems and games and time management-- handles that in themselves contain a certain amount of anxiety lest there be nothing to show for the day (the life)... If only one could truly let go of the anxiety itself. Then maybe what we want to do would be easier to recognize!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you would think, but I have not always been that responsible. There have been a few times in my life when I was more thoughtful about my surroundings, which made it come more naturally to look after plants and pets. I'm feeling a bit of that attention now, and trusting it to take hold again.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Anxiety is like a whining child who wants attention. Today I'm experimenting with handling anxiety by turning to it and asking, "What on Earth do you want?"

Hmm. This is hard sh*t, because Anxiety has some tough answers for me this afternoon. I can't just make it go away.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful photograph.

I also have difficulties allowing myself to just flow with my time... it is something I need to relax more into (I keep wanting to write "to work on," or "to grapple with"--which would just exacerbate matters).

hugs, Shimmer

[eniastoa.livejournal.com]

A woman names Jules did a really great spoken word piece on this topic at the August Guelph Poetry Slam. It was prompted by learning to take time while walking an old arthritic dog, but it went in many directions and was mostly about the lightness of letting time anxiety go. I hope you get to hear it some time.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Work, grapple, struggle, exacerbate, relax: they are all valid verbs.

This afternoon while trying to head off a rush of anxiety over a certain situation, I realized the underlying feeling was anger. I don't get angry easily or often. It suggested my habitual avoidance of anger (I was brought up that way) probably gives rise to anxiety more often than I realize. I need "to work on" recognizing anger and allow it to motivate appropriate action (usually assertiveness).

I am always learning.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's interesting about the dog, and it sounds like a good poem.

I have noticed I tend to be most energetic when I have people (rather than an old dog) to look after, for example cooking meals while on vacation with my daughters, or when Danny comes for the weekend. So there is an element of the caregiver in me. It is an ongoing challenge learning how to channel that energy to continue working for me as an artistic person who lives alone. Maybe anxiety (or restlessness) often comes because there is no one there. It's my body's way of saying, "You don't have to do anything for anybody. Now don't just sit there, do something." After Mom died I sometimes felt she was watching me and challenging me to stop being so passive. I should pay attention, not because I want parental or societal guilt to drive me, but so my actions can be more in harmony with whatever is going on in my head.

[inishglora.livejournal.com]

I am finding echoes of this feeling inside me as I read The Power of Now.

[artricia.livejournal.com]

My therapist has gotten me in the habit of replacing "I need to work on that" with "I need to play with that." It's remarkably effective.