What I want

[vaneramos]

Monday was a holiday, of course, so I didn't work on the career question, however today I did. apel suggested delving into my feelings about why this is difficult, so I took a look at The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook and started working through the chapter on mistaken beliefs. I tried answering two questions.

Clearly certain beliefs hold me back from striving for what I want. I end up striving for what I think I can get. No wonder it doesn't excite me. None of this is new, but writing brings it into sharper focus.


1. What is it that I really want out of life? What would I attempt to do if I knew I could not fail?

I would love to travel the world exploring its greatest wildernesses and cities, experiencing different cultures. I would like to make a living from writing, particularly fiction novels and non-fiction articles about my experiences and the places I visit. I'd also like to express myself through music, photography and other visual art. I'd like to influence people to strive for a deeper cultural harmony with the Earth and nature.

2. Why don't I have these things?

• I can't make a living at most of these things.
• These goals involve personal risks I'm afraid to take.
• I'm too old to follow any of these dreams.
• I need more stability than this kind of life offers.
• I need a steady job to make ends meet.
• I can't afford to go back to school, travel or take time off to pursue any of these ideas.
• Anxiety and depression are a serious handicap.
• I don't have any ideas original enough to make it as an artist or writer.
• I'll be lonely if I pursue these dreams.

Another question comes to mind: how much do I substitute ambition for love?