Emotion

[vaneramos]

I was going to post about the cookbook idea last night, but didn't. I'll try again for Thursday.

Some heavy stuff has been distracting me. I don't feel at liberty to post about it in detail: people close to me self-destructing, failing to communicate adequately about important things, or behaving badly.

Meanwhile I'm scared to hell about my own life. Despite optimism and enthusiasm expressed here recently about the career question, I still have no clear idea what I'll do or how I'll get by when work runs out sometime early next year. Dreams (like going back to school) won't pay rent or fill the refrigerator.

Sometimes I feel alone against the world. Yesterday I had a meltdown. Make that two: one in the morning and one in the evening. In between I managed to put in a day of work, but that didn't help. A long evening call with Danny did help (thank you).

Today started off okay and rapidly went downhill over an entirely different situation. By this afternoon I was on the verge of another meltdown, but coming for my weekly shift at OOTS provided the usual oasis. I chatted with Lori for a few minutes (thank you) and will talk to Danny again after Writers' Circle.

My emotions are hard to handle, but they're proportionate to the situations I'm involved in. I used to walk in a cloud. It was easy to avoid getting upset. Since cutting back on meds six months ago, I've had clearer access to hard feelings like fear and anger. Sometimes they come up when I'm not expecting (I have an incredible delayed response), but I can't ignore them. I have to do something. This is better. It's the only way forward.

Comments

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

I am thinking about you Van and sending my best out to you.

These are hard and uncertain times and things are tough.

Anything I have to add feels trite. I do often wish with old friends from here that I lived closer to offer support, a walk, tea, some company and an ear over knitting. I know you have some good support and I hope you are able to lean on friends,
thinking of you,
V

[(Anonymous)]

This is a difficult time for you, but I still think you're using your resources wisely.

Change is stressful, even if it's only potential change. Remembr you are loved on many sides, and those sides will provide the support they can.

*hugs*

[changeling72.livejournal.com]

Are thre any part time courses that are within your budget?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, much needed.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

do often wish with old friends from here that I lived closer to offer support, a walk, tea, some company and an ear over knitting.

Ah V, that would be wonderful, in fact it sounds like a beautiful agenda for today, which I have to take off work. But it's good to have friends reading and expressing empathy.

It's a beautiful day here, so a walk is definitely on the agenda. And I recently finished a big knitting project, so maybe I'll dig out one of the cherished projects I've had on hold and get back to it.

V

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Not at this time. My income is well below poverty level, and I'm currently paid as a sub-contractor, so I'm in fact self-employed, without benefits. When the current work runs out I will try to find something comparable, hopefully on payroll. It's dubious, because my skills are not especially transferable. Meanwhile, I will also try to line up some freelance writing work. This is as clearly as I can see for now.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you!