From where I used to stand

[vaneramos]

ghostsandrobots posted something recently about a question I asked her in one of those memes back in 2003, when I was new to LJ and making lots of important friends. I asked her what she thought she would be doing by the time she reached my age, 39. Now she is almost 39 and I am almost 51. LJ has had an unfathomable effect on my life, particularly bringing me together with djjo, but much more besides.

In 2003 I was living in a rundown flat above a shop. Nightmare neighbours lived upstairs, and their behaviour would become more disturbing and intrusive over the next several years. I was recovering from abdominal surgery and a temporary colostomy. Since 1996 I'd had so many revolving door romances I can't begin to count or even remember all their names. Most of these men had little in common with me. I was intensely polyamorous, and posts often celebrated my outgoing sexuality. The Rainbow Chorus was vital to my social life.

Also since 1996, I had been unemployed. I wanted to be a novelist but had no idea how to make a living. Depression was so often a factor in day-to-day life, I believed I was unemployable. I was living on a kind of forced hope that my life would improve, because hope was better than despair.

I don't remember whether anyone at the time asked me what I imagined I'd be doing when I turned 51. I didn't meet Danny until July 2003, my third month on LJ, and I couldn't have anticipated how different it would be from previous romantic relationships: how gradual, gentle and companionable. I think I'd be surprised at how much I've settled down.

I probably hoped I'd be earning a better income by now, but I didn't believe I had the confidence and discipline to become my own boss, or that I would make a successful start in freelance journalism: getting paid for work I loved doing, and being offered assignments by editors who appreciate my abilities as a writer. Considering those question memes back in 2003, it might have dawned on me how much I love interviewing intelligent, passionate people. My work as a writer seems to fill the space that sex used to occupy in my life. I never dreamt I'd learn to knit, weave and spin. Now Guelph Guild of Handweavers and Spinners and the Guelph Chapter of Professional Writers Association of Canada are essential to my social life. I haven't published a novel, but I'm working consistently on fiction.

If I could send a message back, I'd say: "The best is yet to come."

Comments

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

<3!

Happy for both of us. And I hope you know that you are one of my all-time favorite people.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Likewise! And I hope I'll have time and resources to be able to drive around and see people I like again, after I get used to the novelty of being busy all the time. Or when I manage to start adding some travel writing to my portfolio.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

I remember so many of those things from your journal - the choir, the neighbors, the guild. It's so wonderful to read you are well and happy. - Anoisblue

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

Seconded!

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. Thank you for sharing this! I don't think I look that different now, but I can still see all sorts of evidence of how long ago that was. Not the least of which is the screen door to the deck of that apartment. I still miss that deck sometimes!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of you, too, recently. Because we're packing to move so I disposed of an old computer and found (and salvaged) a number of poems I'd posted on Themestream. So I was waxing nostalgic on FB with Elisabeth, Rebecca, Jae and other former TSers. I don't remember for sure whether I'd crossed paths with you on TS, but you were there and the others knew you, and that had something to do with me and Elisabeth joining FB, via Stephe. I had a moment of panic just now because I remember Ken being sick and noticed he hadn't posted anything on LJ for several years, so I'm relieved to see he is still a character. I remember your adventures and inspiring poetry.

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

I love this photograph.

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, Themestream. I won $50,000 from them! It was a contest I didn't even enter. Apparently we were all entered. When I won, they called my house several times and my daughter and Ken thought the calls were spam, so they didn't tell me about them. Finally, I heard a message they'd left. Crazy. It was a time when that money was so terribly needed, too. It seems like a million years ago now. I am so glad to hear that you are writing. That's the work you were meant to do, Van.

[bixie.livejournal.com]

Having just turned 40, I'm looking at stories like yours and trying to open to "the best is yet to come." Hard to see, but that's where the real excitement starts, right?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It isn't all roses, but I'm definitely in a better place than when I was 40. I think it depends on being open-minded and willing to change things. Good luck!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I think it is a million years. What a nice thing to happen! Good luck does happen to people who need and deserve it.