Why I quit being an INFP

[vaneramos]

I meandered into a friend of a friend's journal and found someone who did the Meyer's-Briggs test and scored INFP:

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Calm and pleasant face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 1% of the total population.

That describes how I was at the end of my sojourn as a born-again Christian. When I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 1995, my doctor said, "You have to stop caring so much what other people think."

I had a hard time swallowing this advice, as one who saw his purpose in life to become more Christlike, dying to self, sacrificing his welfare so that others might know God.

At the time I said, "How do I just stop?"

There is no easy answer.

It was helpful to realize that if I didn't look after myself, I would have no heart left for my children or anyone else. I started to concentrate on being my own best friend, doing things for myself that gave pleasure, trusting myself to pull through the hard times.

I also returned to the love of nature I had as a child. Christian fundamentalism had taught me to devalue it as corrupted by sin and alienated from God's original creation. I purged that misconception and put the Earth back at the core of my sprituality.

I also had an overdeveloped sense of honour which made me trust people too easily and end up being disappointed or betrayed when they proved only human. I doubt that I will ever be cynical or pessimistic where people are concerned, but I have learned to use caution. I'm more inclined to rely on a community of friends than any individual.

It was a combination of factors, but altogether I started appreciating the physical world more, and worrying about people a little less. I never stopped caring, but my emphasis shifted.

Neither INFPs nor compassionate Christians are necessarily pathologically obsessed, to their own detriment, with what is happening in other people's minds. Caring and honour are great virtues, but I had too much of them. I was the archetypical idealist (NF), to the point of tragedy. My personality didn't suit my temperament. I had to stop taking life so seriously.

ISFP - "Artist". Interested in the fine arts. Expression primarily through action or art form. The senses are keener than in other types. 5% of the total population.

This is me now. A person can change his personality to save his life.

Comments

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Wow....just, wow...

Considering what I've been going through lately, Van, you're an inspiration...I just wanted you to know that.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Here I was afraid this was too self-absorbed. I'm glad it encouraged you, Stephen.

[themonkeybear.livejournal.com]

INFP, ISFP... all fine and dandy.. but what State is your ass like?!?!? ;-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The change in personality I only recognized this summer as the result of a comment from another LJer. It made me notice how differently I experience life from how I used to. The process itself was a gradual one of altered habits.

Depression itself has been an up-and-down battle, of course. I have had several of those "great moments." The biggest one was in February 1999. I could probably tell you the precise date if I looked through my journals.

Bad mornings like yesterday have become rare the past two years, but they still freak me out when they happen. This time of year used to be particularly bad. When I realized it was due to loss of daylight, I started walking every day. It made a critical difference, which is why my walks are so important to me.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wet as Mississippi and wide open as Texas.

[themonkeybear.livejournal.com]

*sniff sniff*

*paw*

*POUNCE*

[themonkeybear.livejournal.com]

*don't move................ I'll go get you a towel. ;-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wait a minute, come back here. More? Please? ;-)

[chrisglass.livejournal.com]

Self-absorbed? Methinks not. The changed you is good to have "around," and inspires change within ourselves.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on having the courage to face up to your own need to change.

But it seems as if your own survival, on several levels, depended upon it.

btw, I just adore the painting in the post above this one. The colors, the shapes, the images... sublime, tawny ecstasy.

[ellaychess.livejournal.com]

You came/come across to me as someone who doesn't
consciously CHOOSE caring as a social posture
but because it is inately with you, born-agin or not. It touched me.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I've always been intrigued by the claims in some Meyers-Briggs tests that one's personality tends to be inflexible throughout life. We've talked about this before, so I know you feel similarly. What's interesting to me is that, as I understand Jungian psychology, from which MB is supposedly derived: one of the big points is to explore one's "shadow" side--the capabilities one doesn't come by easily or "naturally," perhaps even what one fears.

"if I didn't look after myself, I would have no heart left for my children or anyone else"

Yes, I'm still working on taking care of myself for similar reasons. "Overdeveloped sense of honor" ... good lord, yes, I have trouble letting anyone be human, myself included.

It's interesting ... I've never been a "Christian" in the sense you were, but even now, I often try to apply the principles of justice, compassion, and self-sacrifice that are attractive about Christ's teachings. And as it did for you, this "Jesus Christ pose" often damages me, though it has also brought me into connection with many wonderful people.

I love your recent proliferation of user icons. Your color drawings are gorgeous.

[jaique.livejournal.com]

I, too, have a lot of work to do around the differences in psychological reality and spiritual reality. I come at it from a different place, but the baseline is the same. Ram Dass defines the conflict with the phrase, "We're all one, but it's my TV." It's interesting work.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Chris. Your words are encouraging, and mean a lot.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I chose life, tenaciously.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Christianity taught me some valuable things for getting along in the world, among them, "Do unto others..."

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, Christianity taught me some worthwhile lessons, too.

Thanks for the compliment. Someone anonymously bought me a paid account, which is the reason for the new icons. I also want to redesign my web site and use the membership to incorporate this journal into it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's interesting, because I couldn't reconcile the difference between psychological and spiritual reality. One theologian has described God as a beneficial delusion. Beneficial or not, I lost my appetite for it because I had so many damaging delusions in my past. My current cosmology is happier for me. Your TV analogy is very apt.