Response to a straight father
Nov. 4th, 2003 11:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaneramosThis morning I saw a query from a straight father who is on good terms with his lesbian ex-wife, but having difficulty reconciling the situation with his current partner. I don't have many opportunities to discuss mixed family parenting issues, so I'm cross-posting my response here, for the record and for response.
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First of all I want to commend you for the support you have shown your ex-wife and the commitment you have had together in raising your children. It isn't an easy path to follow, but your children will benefit from the love, tolerance and stability you have given them, and one another.
In 1995 a social worker—a straight father who had gone through an experience like you—helped me come to terms with my own sexuality. Unfortunately my wife was not so accepting when I came out, and our divorce was difficult, but after more than seven years, I'm still on good terms with my two daughters. That is the most important thing, of course.
Your partner's feelings are not unusual. She would probably be jealous even if your ex-wife were straight. Unfortunately homophobia may be an additional issue: she might be uncomfortable around your ex-wife and partner, or worry about how her own friends or relatives will perceive the situation. It is not unusual for a new partner to feel jealous of a divorced parent's ties with his or her children, either. This is something you must have recognized when you started getting to know one another.
It would be most unfair of her to expect you to give up these other important relationships. Above all, your children's interests must come first. Raising them requires a large amount of energy and attention, regardless of whether the parents are divorced or together. Anything that pulls you away will be cheating them. If she doesn't have children of her own, this might be hard for her to understand.
On the other hand, you can't change the way she feels. She will have to come to terms with it on her own. There are probably many things you can do to make it easier for her. I would recommend seeing a family counsellor together, maybe including your ex-wife and her partner. And if there is a Gay Fathers support group in your area, it might be able to connect you with additional support groups for straight spouses. One thing that might help her is to talk to other people in non-traditional family arrangements.
The fact is, your children need your commitment and involvement, but arguing the point with your partner will not relieve negative feelings she may have. A supportive approach is more likely to help her figure out what part she can play.
******
First of all I want to commend you for the support you have shown your ex-wife and the commitment you have had together in raising your children. It isn't an easy path to follow, but your children will benefit from the love, tolerance and stability you have given them, and one another.
In 1995 a social worker—a straight father who had gone through an experience like you—helped me come to terms with my own sexuality. Unfortunately my wife was not so accepting when I came out, and our divorce was difficult, but after more than seven years, I'm still on good terms with my two daughters. That is the most important thing, of course.
Your partner's feelings are not unusual. She would probably be jealous even if your ex-wife were straight. Unfortunately homophobia may be an additional issue: she might be uncomfortable around your ex-wife and partner, or worry about how her own friends or relatives will perceive the situation. It is not unusual for a new partner to feel jealous of a divorced parent's ties with his or her children, either. This is something you must have recognized when you started getting to know one another.
It would be most unfair of her to expect you to give up these other important relationships. Above all, your children's interests must come first. Raising them requires a large amount of energy and attention, regardless of whether the parents are divorced or together. Anything that pulls you away will be cheating them. If she doesn't have children of her own, this might be hard for her to understand.
On the other hand, you can't change the way she feels. She will have to come to terms with it on her own. There are probably many things you can do to make it easier for her. I would recommend seeing a family counsellor together, maybe including your ex-wife and her partner. And if there is a Gay Fathers support group in your area, it might be able to connect you with additional support groups for straight spouses. One thing that might help her is to talk to other people in non-traditional family arrangements.
The fact is, your children need your commitment and involvement, but arguing the point with your partner will not relieve negative feelings she may have. A supportive approach is more likely to help her figure out what part she can play.
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-05 02:11 pm (UTC)I wish to hell I'd looked into all the ramifcations and had some support when I was coming out getting divorced and all.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-05 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 12:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 01:59 pm (UTC)