Employophobia
Nov. 7th, 2003 06:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaneramosWaking this morning, I was pleasantly surprised to see bright sunlight glowing on the curtain. I was trying to decide whether to go for a walk, then remembered I had an appointment downtown this afternoon, and decided to stay in and get some writing done before going out. I expected the sunlight to make for a good day, but it turned out otherwise.
Strangely, I sleep better away from home. The last two nights I spent in Toronto, despite my cycle getting screwed up, I managed to get better sleep than I have had in weeks. Tuesday morning I lay awake for two hours. Then, after Danny got up, I went back to sleep and slept past 10 for a total of nine hours sleep. The next night I couldn't settle down until 2 a.m., but then I slept almost solidly until 10:30, only stirring long enough to nuzzle the handsome cub out of bed.
Those two nights were a gift. I came home Wednesday feeling better rested and in a better mood than I have in several weeks. Now, unfortunately I'm back to my usual routine of sleeping poorly. After getting less than six hours, two nights in a row, autumnal depression has started badgering me again.
Today I had a decent writing session over lunchtime, then caught the bus downtown to meet my employment counsellor. When I first met Gurinder two months ago I was enthusiastic and she seemed supportive. My attitude has deteriorated since then. I had called yesterday to set up this appointment in a desperate effort to get myself job hunting again, but our meeting was tentative and left me with a sense of futility. I felt incompetent to impress myself on anyone. The idea of calling a store manager or going to an interview made my mind go fetal. In Gurinder's office, I wanted to cry. An inner voice told me, "No one is ever going to hire you." (Where did this come from, and why has it stayed so long?)
Gurinder told me to make some cold calls, and I signed up for two workshops on interview skills.
I walked home along the rail line. The afternoon light was muted but piercing, like nostalgic old photographs. My hopelessness was utterly out of proportion to the circumstances. I told myself, "One thing at a time." Monday I'll go to the job bank.
By the time I got home, despite some motivational thinking, I could tell my chemistry was off. It wasn't so much in my head as a gnawing sensation in my joints. It felt like fear. I'm not afraid of people; it's this particular challenge. What is so frightening about looking for a job? Opening my door, coming upstairs and sitting down in my room was an incredible relief.
Two hours later I feel relaxed again, but I know it's only because I've taken myself out of harm's way, surrounded myself with the familiarity of my own solitude, where no one can can reject me. Tomorrow will be another day. I must go into the world again. I can't hide here forever. Why does this have to be so painful?
Strangely, I sleep better away from home. The last two nights I spent in Toronto, despite my cycle getting screwed up, I managed to get better sleep than I have had in weeks. Tuesday morning I lay awake for two hours. Then, after Danny got up, I went back to sleep and slept past 10 for a total of nine hours sleep. The next night I couldn't settle down until 2 a.m., but then I slept almost solidly until 10:30, only stirring long enough to nuzzle the handsome cub out of bed.
Those two nights were a gift. I came home Wednesday feeling better rested and in a better mood than I have in several weeks. Now, unfortunately I'm back to my usual routine of sleeping poorly. After getting less than six hours, two nights in a row, autumnal depression has started badgering me again.
Today I had a decent writing session over lunchtime, then caught the bus downtown to meet my employment counsellor. When I first met Gurinder two months ago I was enthusiastic and she seemed supportive. My attitude has deteriorated since then. I had called yesterday to set up this appointment in a desperate effort to get myself job hunting again, but our meeting was tentative and left me with a sense of futility. I felt incompetent to impress myself on anyone. The idea of calling a store manager or going to an interview made my mind go fetal. In Gurinder's office, I wanted to cry. An inner voice told me, "No one is ever going to hire you." (Where did this come from, and why has it stayed so long?)
Gurinder told me to make some cold calls, and I signed up for two workshops on interview skills.
I walked home along the rail line. The afternoon light was muted but piercing, like nostalgic old photographs. My hopelessness was utterly out of proportion to the circumstances. I told myself, "One thing at a time." Monday I'll go to the job bank.
By the time I got home, despite some motivational thinking, I could tell my chemistry was off. It wasn't so much in my head as a gnawing sensation in my joints. It felt like fear. I'm not afraid of people; it's this particular challenge. What is so frightening about looking for a job? Opening my door, coming upstairs and sitting down in my room was an incredible relief.
Two hours later I feel relaxed again, but I know it's only because I've taken myself out of harm's way, surrounded myself with the familiarity of my own solitude, where no one can can reject me. Tomorrow will be another day. I must go into the world again. I can't hide here forever. Why does this have to be so painful?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 03:22 pm (UTC)For me, the fear has a lot to do with exposing myself to rejection. This is exacerbated by the fact that most of the job applications I've filled out really do call on you to put your entire life on the line and leave your very self open to judgment. I know that the rejections (or indifference) I get aren't personal, but that doesn't really seem to help.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 03:29 pm (UTC)That's exactly what I'm afraid of. For me it is based on feeling unqualified to do any job except loading shelves, and for those jobs, who wants to hire someone who is 39, has never done anything but lab research and journalism, and hasn't had a job since 1995? The fear of personal rejection is incidental, riding on a sense of futility.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 03:55 pm (UTC)I don't know what kind of job you are looking for nor what the job situation in Guelph is like, but I'd say from afar that you should try to leverage your skills and interests so that you could do something that you like doing and are confident in doing.
The skills that come to the top of my head from reading your LJ are: writing, photography, you are incredibly observant, you know a lot about nature, you have musical skills, and you seem to do a pretty good job with your daughters. Sounds to me like some school related (in the school day or an after-school program) teaching children or some form of adult education would be just right for you. Such part time jobs don't pay well but it might be a way to get started. Or what about volunteering to do something like this as another way to ease into it and build up your own self-confidence?
no subject
Date: 2003-11-08 10:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-08 06:41 am (UTC)I truly feel that jobs are usually a matter of the right contact at the right time. Cold calling is like buying lottery tickets in terms of actual productivity. Making contacts is the way to find work and the more you make, the more opportunities you have. And it seems that you've been doing that recently; eventually something will go 'click'. Just be ready for that, and keep positive about yourself. You have talents; someone who needs them will eventually notice and speak up!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-08 10:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-08 10:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-08 06:08 pm (UTC)