Author insanity

[vaneramos]

This afternoon it hit me just how insane this novel writing thing is. I reached the climax of Tendril Through Cyberspace and for various reasons my mind started to unravel.

It was partly because things didn't come together the way I had expected. I knew what was supposed to happen, but ended up with loose ends that wouldn't resolve. All the weaknesses of the storyline and my lack of research came to fruition. My characters struggled valiantly to clean up the mess, but the story line meandered and collapsed. This book sucks.

Another part of the problem is I'm exhausted, over-focused and desperate. It's frustrating that just because I'm spending several hours a day actually writing a novel, I feel incapable of handling the rest of my life. I have become a recluse for the past month. I'm happy being busy and occupied with something. The problem is I have neglected too many other matters. I'm unable to think clearly or manage my life. I feel like a total loser. My life is like this stupid, f***ing novel. I can't see my way forward. The only way is to keep on writing. I am content in that headspace as long as I remain oblivious to everything else, which keeps adding to the problem.

Fortunately in Chapter 25 my main character, Tendril, took charge. In a single expression of outrage she blasted away the plot problems. I just wish she could blast away the problems with my life that easily. It was not a particularly intelligent literary device and it will never get published as it is, but I had to find a way to go on.

I have another 3,352 words to go. Hopefully it will be done by Friday or, if I'm lucky, tomorrow. I haven't taken a day off writing in 10 days. I need some time to be completely mindless and sensual. I'm feeling insane and hungry. My back hurts and I can't sleep at night. I want to get drunk. I want to change my name, steal a car and drive to Arizona. I'm at the end of my rope, at the end of my Tendril. I can't wait for this to be over.

Maybe then I will start to see clearly and figure out how to live my life.

The problem is, I can't wait to start working on another novel. In a couple months I might even try revising Tendril, unless some kind person shoots me first.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I realize that writing has good days and bad days, just like life. You're right, from a distance the draft will probably look okay. At the very least I plan to finish and then return to it in a couple months to try working out some of the kinks.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

This will be the first novel I have ever finished writing. I'm excited about that fact alone.

I'm having that same problem: things I intended to write that got lost in the process, and at the end I'm missing those threads. For instance, one of the characters didn't get developed enough, and I forgot to weave in background information essential to the way things happened at the climax. There was also an interesting character who popped out of nowhere two-thirds of the way through. While writing the climax I realized she could have played an interesting role in the climax, but I would have to go back and change some things, otherwise it wouldn't make sense.

I have no problem with the "first draft" thing, and in the light of a new day I have good feelings about coming back to work with Tendril after I take a break for some other projects. Your idea about the list is a great one, which I will use.

When it comes revision time, I'm thinking of starting at the end and rewriting it the way I want it to be, then working backwards. Somebody on LJ told me Tolkien worked that way with LOTR. It kind of make sense to me. I had it my way and wrote the thing without a chapter-by-chapter outline, so it has the organic character-driven feeling I wanted. When I set about revising, I won't change the structure of the story, just the technical details and quality of the narrative.

[ranger1.livejournal.com]

All first drafts are awful. Yours, Shakespeare's, everyone's.

What works for me -- though I admit I haven't been in your exact situation -- is to suspend ego and think of myself as a traffic cop, creatively speaking. My responsiblity is to direct the flow of words, to get them out and on their way. I'm not responsible to think about the act of creating them, nor must I immediately judge them after they're born, nor am I responsible for their ultimate destination. I just let them be on their way. Which, I must admit, is very hard. I'm a born and bred editor. If they're not perfect right away, I want to go back and make them perfect.

If you must go the mad spree, please stop in Minnesota on your way to Arizona. We can make it a furry, testosterone-skewed version of "Thelma and Louise". :-)

[ranger1.livejournal.com]

I'll also add that I didn't think this first draft was awful by any stretch.

Hang in there, chief.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm not a perfectionist, although I do enjoy editing. My dissatisfaction at this point is more general. With the possibility of revision there is also the realization that if I tinker too much, the whole thing will come apart. I have to accept some of the flaws, learn from them, and start writing a different book. Maybe it can be a different road trip: yours and mine.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

I need some time to be completely mindless and sensual. I'm feeling insane and hungry

man that sounds amazing. mindless and sensual. I think that was the magic of massage for me when I started. I could close off the monkey mind for a bit and just give and receive energy and touch and the pure sensuality of it was amazing. Maybe you do need some mindlessness. Turn it all off for a bit. Stealing a car might lead to too much trouble later on. Changing your name can be liberating but also confuzing for friends. Arizona is nice for a change of pace as long as you realize it is one of many possible settings... lol. Of course if you do come out this way you must stop in and see bearizona and I. Hell the sunshine alone would work some miracles for you.

i am watching bjorks newest video which in bjork style is actually her last one but with 7 new videos added. Mad genius that she is, she makes me feel. reminds me that insanity ain't always bad, and that normal is totally over rated.

creative process can be painful and frustrating and disturbing to the extreme, but god don't you feel alive?

Be well bud
ciao
connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

don't you feel alive?

Yes, that is the redeeming thing about this experience. It's exciting to find joy and purpose in creating something as complex and intricate as a novel. My ideas about a mad spree were all in fun, but you knew that, right? ;-) Apart from that, if I ever make it to Arizona I would love to meet you guys. I didn't realize your partner had an LJ, thanks for the tip.