Outward action

[vaneramos]

This week I have been feeling depressed again as I was in late October. During November NaNoWriMo may have distracted me, but I don't know whether it helped or hindered.

I'm astounded at the number of LJ friends who have expressed similar problems the past few days. It must be the season.

The mornings have been particularly bad. I have been isolating myself from many of my friends (RL), a common symptom of my depression, which sneaks up on me before I realize it has happened. I wake up brooding about how they have let me down, feeling that I have become invisible and unloved. That thought pattern has not attacked me this badly since the spring of 2001, but it is an old one. I know it's a symptom, but I still often fail to see past it.

Damn, the bulb in my lamp just blew.

I am like Beverley Crusher in that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the universe keeps getting smaller and smaller until all her loved ones have gone, she is alone and about to be extinguished.

Communications with djjo have been good, in fact the happiness I have had with him recently is a primary motivator to take what steps are necessary for my health. I feel insecure about getting dumped on account of my depression (that has happened twice) but he is solid. We had a long conversation last night. He is different from anyone I have dated before.

"I always made the same mistakes," I told him. "I dated guys who pressured me to fix my problems according to their expectations, rather than letting me find my own way. Or they were caregivers who wanted to mother and smother me. Niether way is good for me."

"You just want someone who will stand beside you," said Danny.

Yes. I couldn't have expressed it better myself. The fact that he understood it without me telling him was, well, wonderful. Thank you, Danny.

The other morning as I lay in bed, struggling to face the day, this phrase rose to the surface of my confusion and imprinted itself on my mind:

"Outward action."

Brooding doesn't do any good. Trying to sort out the negative thoughts in my head is futile. The only thing that does any good is taking action. I have tried to make it my motto for the week.

Actions that help include calling a friend whether I feel like it or not, getting ready for Christmas with my daughters, creative writing, housecleaning, preparing a decent meal or going for a walk. They all require more motivation than I feel, but the outcome is usually beneficial. I have had mixed success, but I did go walking the past couple days (poetbear, you encouraged this, but I think you're aware of that). I made one gift. And as I sit here now the dishes are done. Tonight I'm going to the monthly dance and looking forward to seeing Ray and Jon, even if I feel like avoiding other friends.

Outward action also includes setting up an appointment with my doctor. Hopefully this depression will be short-lived. Perhaps it is just the letdown after finishing my novel and doing the choir concert, but I can't risk neglecting it. Unfortunately I don't have a psychiatrist or therapist anymore. The possibility of requiring treatment again after two-and-a-half years without—that is something I would rather not think about.

But I don't need to think about it, just take outward action.

Comments

[avad.livejournal.com]

hey sweetie.*hugs*I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling so well.:(
It might a lot about finishing the novel. I go through some weird post-partum thing every time as soon as I finish a large body of work. Feels like I'm dragging myself through mud afterwards for way too long. I should be used to it by now, but each time I find myself worrying about depression. Maybe those creative juices need some slow replenishing time- you've just put out a lot!
BUt speaking about the novel- I did add the journal you told me to, so just let me know where to start!
much love, D

[blind-king.livejournal.com]

I think what you said about the novel might be right. Part of the problem is that I unwittingly neglected several RL friends while I was working on it, and now I'm feeling the consequences. I have some work to get things back to where they ought to be. Last night at the dance I reconnected with my buddy, Sylvie (I had been feeling some tension and now it's cleared up). This is a learning curve. Next time I'm immersed in a project like that, I must remember not to led important relationships slide, because they're an important aspect of my mental health. I'm feeling much better today. It's a bright sky and I'm looking forward to a walk.

I hadn't visited blind_king since I finished writing the novel. Sorry I missed you adding. I have added you back so you can read the posts. The novel is all there in sequence, and you can access it from this:

Table of Contents. I hope you enjoy it!

[jscottharris.livejournal.com]

Some sort of action, of any kind, even though it always comes after a lot of moping and floundering around, is the main thing to get me through a depression. And easier said than done.

Housework is never-ending, so there is always something available to plunge into there. Walking. Carving. It's very hard in Winter when I can't get out to the garden.

I was very blessed, at long last Love, and as long as it took I am grateful, to have been found by a partner who requires as much space as I do. We seem a bit distant and vague to outsiders, but our affection is keenly felt between us. I have had some absolutely disastrous relationships with some wonderful people who were just all over me and who inevitably ended up desperately jealous of my aloof nature.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I was very blessed, at long last Love, and as long as it took I am grateful, to have been found by a partner who requires as much space as I do.

It has taken me a long time to recognize this aspect of myself, that I need so much space. Until recently I would frequently plunge into my infatuations and quickly sacrifice all the solitude and independence which are so important to my person. I would always end up feeling smothered, and it was often my own doing. The special circumstances of my relationship with Danny seem to suit me pretty well, and they prevented me from making the usual mistake.

great big hugs to you Van

[djjo.livejournal.com]

and thank you as well.

I try to be a good set of ears. It's something I was taught and learned early on.

And I've been lucky in the people / teachers I've had in my life. My family, my ex, and especially Bill. All have tought me many things.

One of the hardest things I had to learn, and to still keep practicing, is that I can't solve all my loved ones problems, no matter how hard I want to or how hard I try. The best I can hope to do is be there to support them, give my help when I'm called upon, and to give space when they need it.

I hope as well that your depression get's better without your doctor's help. But I'll help in any way I can.

I ain't going anywhere soon. It's gonna take a lot more than depression to scare me off.

great big hugs to you, and I hope you have a great time at the dance!

Smooch x 3 - Danny

Re: great big hugs to you Van

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I did have a good time. Had a good chat with Sylvie, too.

I flirted with a bearded cowboy trucker from Barrie, but it didn't go any further than that.

Getting into my chilly bed made me think of you. You were there in my head this morning, too. Very nice.

This is a good morning.

Smooch x 3

[artricia.livejournal.com]

Outward action is excellent. I find that I tend to try to think my way out of depression (or other psychological problems), but occassionally I try to run away from them through excess outward action. Getting thought and action into balance is tough; figuring out my own psychological quirks and knowing how they react to certain approaches helps. It's frightening being back in an uncomfortable psychological state, but I think that having some experience with it can be a benefit -- you've had some time to learn the symptoms, the possible approaches, and your reactions to them.

I struggle to face the day most days. Two things that help: 1) Acting like my dog. When something's new, more often than not she gets happy and seems to think "Wow, this is new -- I bet it will be great." Reminding myself that being awake, that living in this day, could be great sometimes gives me a boost.
2)Starting out the day with gratitude. It's something I've been practicing lately. Thinking of three things I'm thankful for that day can also give me a boost. On bad days, these things might all begin with "At least I'm not . . ." Neither of these things necessarily makes me chipper, but they do help me climb out of bed.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

but I think that having some experience with it can be a benefit

Definitely. I had undiagnosed depression for years, so I never knew how to manage it or realized I could feel better. Now I know things can improve. Even when feelings of despair strike me with a painful wallop, it isn't as scary.

Excess action is unlikely with me because I'm so reclusive. I have worked hard to change that the past several years, and my social context has improved. Depression leads me to withdraw, and I have to act against that.

Your two suggestions are good ones. The second gave me uncomfortable thoughts at first; it reminded me of my evangelical past when I would pray every morning. But there's nothing wrong with gratitude. I can be grateful to myself, to my friends and to the Earth. It might also be constructive to think about reasons why I might feel grateful towards people or situations I resent.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

perhaps you have Seasonal Affective Disorder? you live
far enough North for that. it is usually helped by gettin
out in the daylight, or light sources that mimic daylight.
~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Four years ago I explored that to the extent of going to see a specialist. SAD is probably a factor, which is one of the reasons I walk so much. However there were other more significant factors in my depression at that time. I have not had serious depression the past two winters, so it's hard to tell whether or not this is seasonal.

I'm feeling fine today, so we'll see what happens.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

good. we all appreciate your walks because you
share them with us.~paul

Re: outward action

[jwg.livejournal.com]

Speaking of outward action how about keep going out on your regular walks with your camera and sharing the results with us?

This is a form of well received and appreciated communication to a wide set of friends. Whether it be people, buildings, nature, your crafts work... you've shown great insight and talent and give joy to others in this way. I certainly enjoy seeing these pop up in my friends list frequently.

Re: outward action

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I will. The LJ community has become important to me.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

"I have been isolating myself from many of my friends (RL), a common symptom of my depression, which sneaks up on me before I realize it has happened. I wake up brooding about how they have let me down, feeling that I have become invisible and unloved."

Add in feelings that my friends have abandoned and let me down because *I* did something to deserve it, and you have my own depressive pattern. I struggled with a lot of this in October and November. Including checking the number of comments I'd gotten on posts to see who still loved me.

Oh, sweetheart, how well I know this.

Outward action helps me too. I think I was probably depressed earlier in the year, too, but all the house painting I had to do helped me get through it.

Take good care of yourself. These things are hard, but you're worth the self-care. And I'm really glad Danny knows how to reassure you. That's worth gold.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Including checking the number of comments I'd gotten on posts to see who still loved me.

When interaction declines, it's hard to avoid taking things personally, isn't it? When people withdraw from me I have a tendency to withdraw responsively, rather than just being myself and recognizing they're dealing with their own issues.

It sounds like you're feeling better, and I'm glad to hear that.

invisibility born of depression

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

No. You're not invisible. Obviously (to me on the outside at any rate) if you're getting 15 reponses to this post. Unfortunately electronic neck rubs don't work very well do they?

Re: invisibility born of depression

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

No, sometimes the body and spirit want attention here and now. But thank you, I'm feeling much better since I wrote this. The past two mornings have not been broody, which is a good sign.