GERD and GAD
Mar. 31st, 2004 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaneramosI saw the doctor on Monday afternoon. Here's what I learned:
Recently I wondered whether I would benefit from some kind of 12-step support group for children of dysfunctional families. The problem is these groups treat depression and anxiety—those overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worry—as a moral failure. No question I have spent too much of my life trying to please others. No question I have behaved badly at times. No question I have been treated badly. The present solution, however, does not involve buying into the feeling that I am powerless, or need to rely on a higher power. This notion of authority is irrelevant, a human invention useful for controlling the way people behave, a tool that has often been abused.
Emotional disorders involve a breakdown in how an individual interacts with community. We are fundamentally social creatures, not moral. We require effective interaction to survive. A key to treating the breakdown is recognizing that it's no one's fault. It's a natural response to a society in which power is perpetually traded, won and lost.
Having found myself at a loss, I continue to negotiate for more.
- He gave me some information about hiatus hernia, most of which I had already found on the internet. He said it's okay to keep using Zantac, although it tends to lose its efficacy after a couple of months. He prescribed Pariet and gave me enough box samples to last me several months. I will only take it as needed. He didn't mention diet, although the information sheets discussed lifestyle changes and said to avoid alcohol and caffeine. Lately I've have experienced very little acid reflux (GERD) and haven't needed to use medication every day. I will take a cautious approach to business as usual.
- He wasn't going to mention blood tests, so I asked about them. The good news was my haemoglobin is back up to normal since the last test almost two years ago. The bad news was my cholesterol is up slightly. He wasn't concerned about it, but I plan to watch my diet more carefully. Ten years ago when I discovered the cholesterol problem I went on a strict low-fat diet, which didn't make any difference and was probably unnecessary, but it taught me a few things I can do without reducing my pleasure in eating.
- While sitting in the waiting room I picked up a brochure on Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It pretty well describes my life, in fact I would venture to say that most of the depression which I have experienced and been treated for, should have been treated as secondary to some kind of anxiety disorder. I saw a psychiatrist twice a month from 1996 to 2001 and he never mentioned anxiety disorders. I have been subject to occasional panic attacks and the accompanying avoidance behaviour, which are not normally aspects of GAD. They present a significant barrier to finding a job and normal relations with my biological family. I'm on a new waiting list for a different specialist, so we'll see if I can reach a more useful diagnosis and treatment.
Recently I wondered whether I would benefit from some kind of 12-step support group for children of dysfunctional families. The problem is these groups treat depression and anxiety—those overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worry—as a moral failure. No question I have spent too much of my life trying to please others. No question I have behaved badly at times. No question I have been treated badly. The present solution, however, does not involve buying into the feeling that I am powerless, or need to rely on a higher power. This notion of authority is irrelevant, a human invention useful for controlling the way people behave, a tool that has often been abused.
Emotional disorders involve a breakdown in how an individual interacts with community. We are fundamentally social creatures, not moral. We require effective interaction to survive. A key to treating the breakdown is recognizing that it's no one's fault. It's a natural response to a society in which power is perpetually traded, won and lost.
Having found myself at a loss, I continue to negotiate for more.
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Re: yet another thing we have in common.....
Date: 2004-03-31 08:23 pm (UTC)Re: yet another thing we have in common.....
Date: 2004-04-02 08:07 am (UTC)Your comment has given me much food for thought over the past couple of days, in particular the idea of embracing my individuality. This concept isn't new to me, of course, but has reminded me to take a more positive attitude toward the things that make me different from other people. I tend to get hung up on my introversion, feeling that my life would be more fulfilled if only I were more socially integrated. And indeed, community is essential. But pushing myself too far always results in burnout. On the other hand, when I get a good handle on the habits that make my solitude meaningful and happy, I tend to feel more balanced.
I take your final comment to mean I should pursue a path that will help me get a firmer grip on my personality rather than trying to change it to fit into the social norm.
One thought has come clearly into my mind since I wrote this post. Again, it is not a new idea. Anxiety tends to distract me and make me forget plans I had been excited about. That is the biggest problem I need to overcome so I can move forward.
Anyway, the idea: I need to find some kind of structured relationship with a writing/artistic mentor. This is at least as important as lining up a therapist, if not more so.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 10:56 am (UTC)We also run the risk of finding ONLY nurturing and not people who gently push us to keep growing ... some of my current wrangles with Alan have to do with making sure he doesn't nurture me to the point of smothering. But I think your nurture-deficit sounds strong enough at this point that *that* negotiation would be a long ways off for you.
What has worked for me over the past few years was a combination of nurturing and tenderness from Alan/Woody, positive interactions (friendly and/or romantic/sexual) with other good people, some good non-intrusive talk therapy with counselors who know I have the ability to work most of this out on my own with a few nudges here and there, and a bit of leaning on medication to take out the worst of the inner chemical lows my body throws at me. I'm on a low dose of Prozac every day, see my therapist twice a month, get cuddles from Alan and Woody (and Pepper) whenever I need them, whore myself out for LiveJournal ego stroking when it feels like that's going to help, air my ego laundry when I feel a need to get it out of my system ... and darn it if I don't feel a whole lot healthier than I did just a couple of years ago, which was already a big improvement over a few years before that.
My gut feeling is that Danny and your social interactions with the Torontonians are starting to put some of that good nurture-bear stuff in place for you. You have some genuine distance-friends here on LJ. And I think you *do* have very good sense about where you're headed, difficult as some of the cards you've been dealt in life may be. I wish everything felt wonderful to you RIGHT NOW ... although if I had the power to grant that kind of wish, I think I'd use it on myself first. :) But I deeply feel that every year you and I know each other, I'm going to hear higher highs and not-as-bad lows.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 11:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 11:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 12:23 pm (UTC)Anxiety, however, has always occurred. In the past several years, despite no incidents of sustained sadness, I have been persistently paralyzed by worry. In hindsight, I find all the major episodes of depression occurred when major life events exacerbated the undercurrent of anxiety and made me feel I could not cope. This is why I'm inclined to suspect the alternative, that depression resulted from chronic anxiety.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 12:13 pm (UTC)I've never understood how 12-step programs work for people who are atheistic or even agnostic. Then again, I've never been in one, either...
I totally agree with you on the nature of emotional disorders, though. I've often found that, in my moments of deepest clarity, I can see that those sweeping emotional tides that overtake me are the results of allowing myself to be at the mercy of someone else's feelings, logic, presence. In other words, in situations in which I've given up power, and then feel powerless, I become lost emotionally.
*sigh* It doesn't help me to fight them, though...at least, not yet...
no subject
Date: 2004-04-01 04:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 12:23 pm (UTC)I think your incisive insights (especially your keen observation on just what sphere emotional issues fall into) will serve you far better than any "12-step" program would.
I've been where you're at emotionally in the past. Getting past what you're feeling right now is a lengthy process, and the path is often confusing, but you have good friends who will help you along the way.
Know that you are not powerless.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-01 04:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-01 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-31 02:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-01 04:44 pm (UTC)Anxiety and depression
Date: 2004-03-31 09:23 pm (UTC)I was diagnosed as having a bad case of anxiety, was given Paxil, which did nothing. I was working in a busy kitchen of a family oriented restaurant in the dish-pit, running the dishwasher. I worked there 2 years, walking to and from work, which added to the weight loss.
To this day, I most mornings can't keep breakfast down, have the occasional panic attack (anxiety) where I get the dry heaves and they come on very sudden, and not very often than goodness.
Many morings I wake up tense and when overwhelmed, I find myself wanting to toss whatever is in my stomach, if anything.
I do go through bouts of depression, and some days it will cycle in and out and I've become more aggressive in my driving than before. When speeding along at 80-90 MPH along the freeway, I'll fell kind of wild if you will.
I used to have the problem of quitting jobs I hated and up until my current job, I never made a living wage before in my life.
Often I feel not really sad, but not happy either, sort of in that limbo that's in the middle, like something is holding me back.
Thank God for this job I have now. I make a real living wage and have a decent place to live and can live if I chose to. I also have good benefits and have begun seeing a doctor. Yesterday went back for a followup appointment and now I'm taking 3 meds to deal with three different things.
Nexium for a possible gastral problem (upset stomach which causes me to toss breakfast) It's a time release so take before dinner. Lisinopril for high blood pressure (140/100 or there abouts) and Effexor XR for possible depression. I left him a health diary I have beem making, and he says it looks like depression.
Now, I was born with prenatal Rubella (German Measils) so have some birth defects, the ears and eys partially (can see out of one eye and hear out one ear), but was diagnosed at age 3 in 1968 as having some "Holes in my thought process" that required some "rewiring" of the brain (hence speech therapy).
I have suspected in recent years that it may have something to do with a possible chemical imbalance in my brain. I've struggled for far too long to get where I am now at 39. In fact, I didn't even know I was gay until I began really looking at the situation in 2001 at the age of 36. Now, I'm an out gay man, currentling single, but had a guy I was "dating" but really was nothing more than a fuck buddy.
Anyway, I'm hoping I'm begining to see what may be the root of all this. I'm tired of this not keeping breakfast down, tired of not feeling like I can do more than I know I can, having what seems like low output and all that. I just want to LIVE (and to love too)
I've often wondered if my being an internal optimist, as some have called me that it's a coping mechinism for not being any more depressed that I am.
Your post had me seeing some of myself and perhaps talking with others that have similar symptoms and such will be good for all concerned.
12 Steps
Date: 2004-03-31 10:11 pm (UTC)In 12 Step literature, the focus is more on spiritual illness as opposed to moral illness. The members of 12 steps groups are individuals, though, and behave accordingly. That said, I read a lot of 12 step lit. (written by twelve step members) that doesn't buy into traditional models of higher powers. A lot of your writings seem to reflect a powerful spirituality that's in line with the less traditional higher-power writings I've seen.
Most people in 12 steps have problems with their program; working the program is coming to a living understanding of those problems, in my experience. That in itself provides a lot of relief. 12 step programs recommend that you "take what you like and leave the rest" and take a little time to check out their program and different gatherings, which all have their different feels. Many groups have "open meetings" which you can check out, even if you don't feel that you "qualify."
12-step groups are social groups in a number of different ways. I think of mine as good practice in learning to trust others, in listening respectfully, in speaking when I feel called to, in reaching out to others, in building healthy relationships, et cetera. I'm going to a 12-Step potluck on Friday.
I've read a lot of Al-anon lit. by grandchildren and other, more distant relatives of alcoholics. Al-anon consider alcoholism a "family disease."
The powerless thing . . . One way of conceiving it is as being powerless alone. A support network can be a higher power. Another way is to think of being powerless over certain specific things -- for me, my insomnia is one. Another way is to think of being currently powerless, but having hope that whatever the issue, it might be manageable eventually, with help.
Re: 12 Steps
Date: 2004-04-01 04:59 pm (UTC)Trust is an issue for me, learning to listen, etc. Again, I think these lessons can be learned in more informal social settings. My choir has served as a community for several years. One of the biggest hurdles was realizing I could cope and didn't have to quit just because I didn't get along with someone.