To marry or not

Last night after choir practice, a few of the lesbians were buzzing with excitement about the Ontario Court of Appeal ruling opening the way for same-sex marriages. Apparently cities outside Toronto are dragging their heals about issuing marriage licenses, even though Ontario's Attorney-General has given the go-ahead. Diane wanted to gather a group of couples together and arrive at Kitchener City Hall en masse. Karen and her partner went into the Guelph office yesterday to get a marriage license but the clerk refused to issue one. She would only take their information.

She told them, "I would hesitate, too, if someone was trying to marry their uncle."

So Karen and her partner drove to Toronto City Hall, but later they heard on the news that Guelph has changed its mind. Tomorrow, they are getting married.

The women kept ribbing Mark and Bob about it. Mark blushed, tapped his partner's knee affectionately and said, "Bob hasn't proposed yet."

"Why am I the one who has to propose?" Bob protested.

Bob was already married to a man once in Denmark. He said same-sex marriage made a difference there in the way gays and lesbians perceived themselves. They stopped feeling like second-class citizens.

Sitting, listening to these conversations, I wasn't sure where I fit in. schillerium's comment to my post the other day kept ringing in the back of my mind: that this ruling might set up a division 'between the "good queers" who marry and live nice, respectable, conventional lives, and the "bad queers" who are polyamorous, or go to bathhouses, or otherwise don't buy into the whole marriage thing. ' I can't count the times I have felt like a second-class citizen because I don't have a partner. It took me five years to break into gay social life in Guelph, and being single made it harder. While my friends talk about marriage, adoption and having babies, I keep fairly quiet about my personal life.

I can talk to Jon or Sylvie about anything, but neither of them share my views on relationships. Bob and Mark are probably the only friends here who can relate.

We must respect the full diversity of the way humans express themselves in relationships: straight, gay or bi, transgendered or asexual, monogamous or polyamorous. Probably I'm missing someone here. My point is, we should be free to love and relate however we wish, with integrity, and without judging those who relate differently.

I like anoisblue's post which observes how we take the natural function of sex and "weave it into baskets of romantic love and fill them full of expectations." Not that there's anything wrong with romantic love, but if we accept it as the only valid vessel for sexual creativity, we oscure part of the spectrum of human expression.

Eventually the over-40 set left our weekly pub council and I moved down the table to sit with Jon, Michaela and a bevy of younger lesbians who all have partners.

They weren't talking about getting married. Even Bonnie and Tana. Tana is expecting a baby this fall.

They were talking about lists. Lists they made when they started their relationships. Lists of women they were still allowed to have sex with if they had the chance. Women like Jane Siberry and Sarah McLachlan, even a particular member of the choir who apparently exudes some kind of lesbian pheromone. Everyone was giggling and teasing. It was all a joke.

But so, I think, was getting married or making a commitment on anyone else's terms. I don't expect to see any of these younger women trooping down to city hall tomorrow. Maybe they will, sooner or later. But I hope this community keeps an open mind toward those of us who don't.

Celibate?

On Sunday I went with about 10 of my lesbian friends to a book signing about gay adoption. While we were sitting around at The Bookshelf waiting for things to start, we talked about Terrilyn's music. She wrote a song for Bonnie and Tana's commitment ceremony last year.

"It was so beautiful. It made me cry," said Bonnie, who has eyes like Elizabeth Taylor.

"What is the song about?" somebody asked.

"It's called 'Celebrate.'"

"Celibate?"

"Celibate?" I said. "That would make me cry, too."

The lesbians all laughed and Diane gave me a high five.

With apologies to mylastsigh

For weeks I have been trying to take a picture that captures the loveliness of the blue Plumbago blooming in my bathroom window.

( another image )