Me and LJ

Here's a survey with questions about my LJ, taken from roosterbear.

( This is a meme. )

Name one person on your friends list you would most like to meet? That's a hard one. There are people I want to meet for various reasons. There are a few I want to meet out of sheer lust. There are several with whom I feel a strong kinship, and I'm sure we'll meet someday. But there is one who inspires me on almost a daily basis, even if I don't have time to read every one of his posts, and I wish I could meet him for coffee about once a week. That is drood.

( More questions. )

Author insanity

This afternoon it hit me just how insane this novel writing thing is. I reached the climax of Tendril Through Cyberspace and for various reasons my mind started to unravel.

It was partly because things didn't come together the way I had expected. I knew what was supposed to happen, but ended up with loose ends that wouldn't resolve. All the weaknesses of the storyline and my lack of research came to fruition. My characters struggled valiantly to clean up the mess, but the story line meandered and collapsed. This book sucks.

Another part of the problem is I'm exhausted, over-focused and desperate. It's frustrating that just because I'm spending several hours a day actually writing a novel, I feel incapable of handling the rest of my life. I have become a recluse for the past month. I'm happy being busy and occupied with something. The problem is I have neglected too many other matters. I'm unable to think clearly or manage my life. I feel like a total loser. My life is like this stupid, f***ing novel. I can't see my way forward. The only way is to keep on writing. I am content in that headspace as long as I remain oblivious to everything else, which keeps adding to the problem.

Fortunately in Chapter 25 my main character, Tendril, took charge. In a single expression of outrage she blasted away the plot problems. I just wish she could blast away the problems with my life that easily. It was not a particularly intelligent literary device and it will never get published as it is, but I had to find a way to go on.

I have another 3,352 words to go. Hopefully it will be done by Friday or, if I'm lucky, tomorrow. I haven't taken a day off writing in 10 days. I need some time to be completely mindless and sensual. I'm feeling insane and hungry. My back hurts and I can't sleep at night. I want to get drunk. I want to change my name, steal a car and drive to Arizona. I'm at the end of my rope, at the end of my Tendril. I can't wait for this to be over.

Maybe then I will start to see clearly and figure out how to live my life.

The problem is, I can't wait to start working on another novel. In a couple months I might even try revising Tendril, unless some kind person shoots me first.

Happy birthday...........

schillerium!!!

I'll see you soon. Hugs.