A Mad Summer Night's Dream

These few days at home have been difficult. My apartment isn't big enough for the three of us anymore. The girls don't seem to mind, but I feel the lack of privacy and have had trouble making time for myself.

Yesterday I saw the psychiatrist again. I haven't felt much improvement from the increased dosage of Remeron, but it has only been two weeks, so we'll give it until after Labour Day. The one good thing is I'm sleeping better and feeling more physical energy than I'm used to, but he is disappointed that it hasn't helped with anxiety and depression. I'm not feeling many side effects though, except for increased appetite, and he says it is a good drug to use in combination with others, so perhaps I'll keep it for the sleep.

We talked about starting to look for work in September, which I don't look forward to. At the same time I'm feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of full-time parenting. I want to do more interesting things with the girls, but have a hard time planning anything more than a day at a time. Generally we get along well, but I have had a couple difficult days with Marian. I often feel lonely and isolated. This is all normal summer stuff I could predict, but don't know how to change.

"You feel overwhelmed a lot, don't you?" he said.

My eyes welled up. It was a summary statement of my life. Simple things overwhelm me.

I felt like a wreck after the session. Our appointments have all been emotional for me and I don't look forward to them. I think it's an indication that we're actually working on problems. This is a change from my previous shrink, who said very little and rarely challenged me in any way. I would just blather endlessly time and again, and never felt like I was making any progress. This doctor raises some hard questions about how I could improve my life.

I don't always have answers, though. After leaving the office, I recognized my underlying belief that things will not work out well for me. I have to check that.

Life is uncertain. We can't ensure ourselves against misfortune. But with the right state of mind I can make better choices on my own behalf, and improve the chances of things working out well. Standing on the subway I used on of my favourite meditations. Afterward I still felt overwhelmed, but not so desperate.

The girls had gone shopping with Monique while I was at the doctor. Afterward we all met up with Danny djjo and went to see A Midsummer Night's Dream performed in Trinity Bellwoods Park by the Driftwood Theatre Group. Marian had already decided that Shakespeare was unintelligible, so I was delighted that both girls loved the performance.

Steve Burley as Oberon had a gorgeous furry chest. He actually injected a "WOOF" into his line about bears in the woods, so subtly that even Monique and Danny missed it. I didn't.

It was a hilarious romp with quite a few scenes sung in a cappella doo-wap or jazz and blues style. But the climax was Thisbe's soliloquy in the final scene, given by Cameron Johnston in dreadful '50s country fair girl drag. The farce suddenly turned dead serious, and a hush fell over the crowd in the park, except for nervous laughter from a couple corners. I don't know whether this was intentional, but in my mind it evoked the tragedy of the AIDS epidemic.

Brenna had a crush on Puck. Marian said she understood the whole play.

I nearly forgot: earlier in the day we had stopped at the Old Distillery, a complex of boutiques in some heritage factories and warehouses. I had heard that my niece, Robyn, was working there in a piano bar. We found her. It is actually a coffee lounge, the Grand Piano Patisserie, but has applied for a liquor license. Robyn, who is 21, looks like a model, but is in fact a talented artist studying textile design at Ryerson University. She loves working there, and we had a pleasant but brief visit. She has been studying in Toronto for two years, but this was the first time we hooked up. Hopefully I'll see more of her.

Driving back to Guelph at midnight, we got caught in a terrible traffic jam, with a fire engine blazing past on the shoulder. I managed to exit early at Guelph Line and wind home along dark country roads.

Today we're leaving to spend six days at Poplar Bluff, my childhood home, while Mom and Dad are away at the cottage. We'll have more space and things to do there. I want to resume my handwritten journal, neglected the past week, and meditation, neglected the past six weeks.

I will miss you.