A Mad Summer Night's Dream

[vaneramos]

These few days at home have been difficult. My apartment isn't big enough for the three of us anymore. The girls don't seem to mind, but I feel the lack of privacy and have had trouble making time for myself.

Yesterday I saw the psychiatrist again. I haven't felt much improvement from the increased dosage of Remeron, but it has only been two weeks, so we'll give it until after Labour Day. The one good thing is I'm sleeping better and feeling more physical energy than I'm used to, but he is disappointed that it hasn't helped with anxiety and depression. I'm not feeling many side effects though, except for increased appetite, and he says it is a good drug to use in combination with others, so perhaps I'll keep it for the sleep.

We talked about starting to look for work in September, which I don't look forward to. At the same time I'm feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of full-time parenting. I want to do more interesting things with the girls, but have a hard time planning anything more than a day at a time. Generally we get along well, but I have had a couple difficult days with Marian. I often feel lonely and isolated. This is all normal summer stuff I could predict, but don't know how to change.

"You feel overwhelmed a lot, don't you?" he said.

My eyes welled up. It was a summary statement of my life. Simple things overwhelm me.

I felt like a wreck after the session. Our appointments have all been emotional for me and I don't look forward to them. I think it's an indication that we're actually working on problems. This is a change from my previous shrink, who said very little and rarely challenged me in any way. I would just blather endlessly time and again, and never felt like I was making any progress. This doctor raises some hard questions about how I could improve my life.

I don't always have answers, though. After leaving the office, I recognized my underlying belief that things will not work out well for me. I have to check that.

Life is uncertain. We can't ensure ourselves against misfortune. But with the right state of mind I can make better choices on my own behalf, and improve the chances of things working out well. Standing on the subway I used on of my favourite meditations. Afterward I still felt overwhelmed, but not so desperate.

The girls had gone shopping with Monique while I was at the doctor. Afterward we all met up with Danny djjo and went to see A Midsummer Night's Dream performed in Trinity Bellwoods Park by the Driftwood Theatre Group. Marian had already decided that Shakespeare was unintelligible, so I was delighted that both girls loved the performance.

Steve Burley as Oberon had a gorgeous furry chest. He actually injected a "WOOF" into his line about bears in the woods, so subtly that even Monique and Danny missed it. I didn't.

It was a hilarious romp with quite a few scenes sung in a cappella doo-wap or jazz and blues style. But the climax was Thisbe's soliloquy in the final scene, given by Cameron Johnston in dreadful '50s country fair girl drag. The farce suddenly turned dead serious, and a hush fell over the crowd in the park, except for nervous laughter from a couple corners. I don't know whether this was intentional, but in my mind it evoked the tragedy of the AIDS epidemic.

Brenna had a crush on Puck. Marian said she understood the whole play.

I nearly forgot: earlier in the day we had stopped at the Old Distillery, a complex of boutiques in some heritage factories and warehouses. I had heard that my niece, Robyn, was working there in a piano bar. We found her. It is actually a coffee lounge, the Grand Piano Patisserie, but has applied for a liquor license. Robyn, who is 21, looks like a model, but is in fact a talented artist studying textile design at Ryerson University. She loves working there, and we had a pleasant but brief visit. She has been studying in Toronto for two years, but this was the first time we hooked up. Hopefully I'll see more of her.

Driving back to Guelph at midnight, we got caught in a terrible traffic jam, with a fire engine blazing past on the shoulder. I managed to exit early at Guelph Line and wind home along dark country roads.

Today we're leaving to spend six days at Poplar Bluff, my childhood home, while Mom and Dad are away at the cottage. We'll have more space and things to do there. I want to resume my handwritten journal, neglected the past week, and meditation, neglected the past six weeks.

I will miss you.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, and from a comment handlebear made when we met, I got the impression you are more reserved in person than one might gather from your journal. This is true of me also. Do you express yourself more easily in writing—with less inhibition? I do. But when I feel safe with someone, I have a hard time shutting up. We would probably get along famously.

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

I think that lj has enabled your inner voice.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

but the thing i've loved about LJ is my ability to be totally honest open and forthright without any repercussions.

I wish I felt that way, but I don't. To begin with, I started this journal as a venue for my creative output, and there are times when I feel personal stuff might interfere, so I hold back (sometimes I put those things in friends-only posts). Secondly, I am susceptible to feelings of rejection, particularly when writers or photographers I respect seem to ignore or dislike me, or not take me seriously. I have to fight very hard against the inclination to lose confidence and withdraw.

Regardless of this, I have an easier time being authentic in writing than otherwise.

Answer, as I call you. Nick Bottom, the weaver.

[djjo.livejournal.com]

Here!

OBERON. Having once this juice,
I'll watch Titania when she is asleep,
And drop the liquor of it in her eyes;
The next thing then she waking looks upon,
Be it on lion, bear, or wolf, or bull,
On meddling monkey, or on busy ape,
She shall pursue it with the soul of love.
And ere I take this charm from off her sight,
As I can take it with another herb,
I'll make her render up her page to me.
But who comes here? I am invisible;
And I will overhear their conference.


and

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind.

It was a fun and magical evening. And yes - Oberon was very nice eye candy, and that high note was VERY impressive! Woof!

Hugs there sweat man. Have a great day and pleasent dreams tonight.
Danny

Re: Answer, as I call you. Nick Bottom, the weaver.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for finding that quote. Yes, that's the line he took some liberties with. It was a great evening. Looking forward to being with you again tomorrow night.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

A Midsummer Night's Dream is a wonderful play for people who think they don't "get" Shakespeare. And there are so many ways to make a production of it fun for everyone. And (from my personal point of view) it doesn't hurt that one of those ways is frequently to, um, dress down the performers.

I saw an outdoor production a couple of years ago at New Salem, IL, of which one of the many delightful aspects was that the Oberon, Puck, and Demetrius were all to-die-for gorgeous, and that the first two spent the entire show bare-chested, and that in the fight scene Lysander and Demetrius tore off most of each other's clothes.


It does indeed sound like you're making progress in your therapy -- from what I hear, such things are always painful. Hang in there.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Fortunately this performance was not quite as risque as the one you described, which I also would have enjoyed. It's testament to the mastery of the writing that players can make it as blatant or as subtly suggestive as they choose.

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

Van,
I would say if the doctor is asking questions that make you think, he's a keeper.

Have fun in the country and know that I will be thinking of you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I will be sticking with him for a while. Your words mean a great deal.

[currawong.livejournal.com]

The recent fashion for playing Thisbe's scene straight, to suddenly move the audience began, I think, with the recent film version with Kevin Kline and Michelle Pfeiffer. This version, though a bit over-produced, is , I think, under-rated. My nephew who was about eight when I showed it to him on video, loved it.

The best production I ever saw was the legendary Peter Brook version, with Judi Dench as Titania.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow!

My childhood experiences at the Stratford Festival here in Ontario spoiled me with respect to my experience of live Shakespeare performances. I had the privelege to see Titania acted by Jessica Tandy opposite her Canadian husband Hume Cronin as Bottom.

Even more memorable was a younger, beautiful Maggie Smith as Lady Macbeth. She was breathtaking.

[currawong.livejournal.com]

Maggie Smith could read the phone book and it would be absolutely enthralling.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Right on!

[apel.livejournal.com]

Your post reminds me of how overwhelmed I used to feel in my pre-recovery days. I may have shared this with you before, how I always felt as if I had to struggle just to keep my head above the surface while others where swimming around and enjoying themselves in the waters of life. In my case it had a lot to do with poor boundaries. I spent a lot of time simply reacting to what was happening to me. I had a very poor sense of Self. Nowadays I can choose from moment to moment to what extent I'm going to let other people touch me. I'm no longer simply reacting. I can stop and take a step back and ask myself what I want and how I feel and then act according to that. I'm no longer at the mercy of circumstances. It's made a big difference in my quality of life.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reminding me of this important idea. It's one I've come to undertand well from self-therapy the past few years, but still have trouble practicing when I go back into society.

I believe it relates to my motto, "Live in the moment," which I mentioned in my most recent post. Earlier this week, sharing some minutes of hilarity with my eldest daughter, I felt completely myself. Despite our differences and conflicts earlier in the day, I was suddenly confident in my own creativity, intelligence and compassion. The feeling was so unfamiliar it took my breath away. I need to become more adept at going to that same place mentally when I'm around other people.

During the drive home today, I realized I should make a priority this September of finding some kind of support group for people suffering from depression and anxiety.

My psychiatrist has suggested combining another drug with the one I'm already taking (which seems to be improving my sleep). I'm uncomfortable about it, in fact I'm of two minds about taking medication at all. It seems I'm getting preoccupied with symptoms and side effects when I want to work on the way I think about things, and find the right supportive environment in which to do that.

I'm not asking you to advise me about this. Obviously you're not in a position to do so. But I wonder what you're opinion is about medication versus other therapies or approaches to recovery.

[jawnbc]

HI Van,

Just doing some remedial LJ (too many interesting people), and came across this entry.

I've been on Remeron on and off for 6 years. It doesn't do the trick for everyone but it's saved my bacon. First off the sleep was a blessing (as you're finding), putting my head down without fear of insomnia was huge. If memory serves, I was on 1 pill a day for a couple of months, then up to 1.5. It took another 2-3 weeks for that to put me onto solid footing. In the interim I felt increasingly weepy, even agitated. My shrink told me it might be an adjustment process of my internal emotional barometer. That got me to OK/good, so we tried 2 pills/day. No real difference, so after a couple of months we went back to 1.5 (cheaper). Last year I dropped it to 1.

It's hard for folks who didn't know me pre-Remeron to understand how difficult things were for me then. Even when some other meds mitigated things (Effexor), the anxiety and fear were only constrained, not eliminated. The right dose of the right med allowed me to get into shite with the shrink I wouldn't have been able to see (let alone deal with) without Remeron. The meds enabled the therapeutic process, and while I still need them, I've acquired a whole new perspective (and set of skills) for living a life not futile.

I hope you experience even a modicum of the same.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks Jawn, I really appreciate this personal view because I have not talked to anyone else with firsthand experience of the drug. I've made other entries sporadically since I started the drug in May or June, but many of them were friends-only. A year ago I would not have predicted I would be going back on medication anytime soon (I went off Paxil in 2001), but a few factors made me reconsider, particularly problems I had with anxiety when I tackled a job search last fall. It took me 7 or 8 months to line up a new psychiatrist.

The past couple of weeks I have experienced an improvement in my mood, so I have renewed optimism that Remeron is helping in the big scheme of things.

I'm not sure what happened to our LJ relationship. I know I was prickly on a couple of occasions, but I didn't intend to push you away. If I did so, I regret it, because I consider you an interesting and intelligent person. Honestly, I'm good at receiving criticism when I know it's well-intentioned and constructive, but I'm not good at negotiating conflict, so I tend to avoid philosophical arguments. Sometimes I avoid things by bristling. I suspect we share some aspects of temperament, perhaps sparking off some sensitivities. Unfortunately I formed the opinion that you didn't like me, so I let it go. Perhaps I was wrong. I would rather have remained on good terms.

Let me know if this comment is too personal and I will delete it.