For djjo

Photo: The Beaches, November 27.

~~~~~~~~~~

Last night after we had made love I lay awake listening to your breath deepen beside me. Something sparked in the darkness and I started to worry about my life. It sunk in like a knife. I thought of waking you to talk about the hurdles ahead of me, but there's a time for talking and a time for realizing I'm okay even though the way feels perilous.

There's also a time for looking back and realizing how far I have come. Knowing our relationship has lasted beyond the deep, sweet intensity of infatuation; a love that has lasted longer than any before. Now I have sentiments welling up. That's the way I am.

Remember watching Brenna rock climb at the CNE? Marian and I don't have a head for it, but Bren doesn't get vertigo. And she has a tenacity about taking on that kind of a challenge. She prefers to perfect her technique when nobody else is watching. I wonder, if she had tried that rockface with no audience, would she have reached the top?

It seems like I've been scrambling for handholds a long time. There are moments and days when the top of the cliff seems just as far away as ever. There are moments when I realize the climb never ends; the biggest fulfillment is realizing that we're capable of continuing.

But sometimes we reach clefts that are bigger than handholds; places where we can lie down and rest. Or acquire tools that make the going easier. And sometimes we find climbing companions. I've had a few of those, but it's nice to find one who sticks with you for the long stretch to the top.

The top. Here I am, still wanting to reach a final lookout.

It would be reasonable to hope for a place where the mountain opens out and we can walk through alpine meadows and quiet spruce forests. Time to breathe easily and enjoy the moment, rather than wondering whether the next handhold will break.

At this moment I'm admiring golden squares of light on the back of your curtains, looking forward to walking with you in the late autumn sunshine this afternoon. And thankful for the peaceful spaces we have opened between us. Right now we're crossing one of those wide meadows. I can put the precipice out of my mind until another day.

Remember standing on the bridge at Elora a couple weeks ago? When we looked over the edge, I had to fight the irrational fear that I might jump. I looked into the gorge and saw water churning 30 metres below us. I didn't see the light on the trees at first.

Then you pointed it out: our paired shadows, far away in a blaze of gold on the cedars, standing together on the bridge. So I took a photo to remember it by.

Happy birthday, Danny.

Word count: 46,654

I have quit writing for tonight with another 3,346 words to go tomorrow in order to reach the goal for NaNoWriMo. That's about three hours of work after I get home to Guelph. It shouldn't be difficult because I've reached a major crisis in the plot, so the story should carry itself along fairly easily. Just as long as my life remains crisis-free for the next 24 hours.

The novel will not be complete however. I will probably need another 20,000 words to finish, and that's a conservative estimate. I plan to continue working on it four days a week, about two hours a day, which should work out to another 10,000 words per week. Hopefully I can finish this first draft before my daughters start Christmas holidays. In Janury I plan to do some revisions.

This time I don't have any serious obstacles preventing me from polishing off Pilgrim's Cross, the way I did last year with Tendril Through Cyberspace. Tendril posed major technological and sociological questions I don't know how to answer, and will require extensive research if I am ever to complete it to my satisfaction. P.C. holds together much better. I see a few problems, but expect to be able to fix them by rewriting certain passages. I would like to see this novel published.