A late bloomer's experience with AIDS

Late rose, Toronto, November 29.

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Two years ago I was seeing a man who I'll name Ted. He lived nearby and didn't have a full time job, so we spent many days together. Sometimes we stayed home playing cribbage or having raunchy sex. Sometimes we drove to Hamilton on a Saturday night to watch drag shows. He had been active in the gay community since his late teens and knew lots of people. Going out with him I felt connected.

I sensed he wanted more from me. More what? Permission to call me boyfriend? I warned him on several occasions I didn't feel that way, although the companionship meant a lot to me. I was confused about love, didn't know whether I could or should ever feel it again. It had led me into stupid mistakes. I couldn't see myself in a relationship with him. We were friends who fucked. He always said that was fine. I thought we were making the best of things.

But we walked a high wire over a pit of emotions. One day I told him we had to stop having sex. Based on our prior conversations, I wasn't prepared for his reaction. I thought it would be okay, but he was hurt and bitter. He lectured me and told me how selfish I was. I kept my answers to myself, figured he deserved a hearing, and when he got over it things would settle down. But in the end he walked away, left me sitting alone in the park one afternoon in early spring, and never spoke to me again. I have seen him once or twice, can't avoid it in a city like Guelph. But mostly he stays away from places where he's likely to meet people like me.

I still don't know how much his HIV status played a role in what happened. Did I avoid an emotional bond with him for that reason? I don't think so. I had dated poz guys before, and I would do it again. And how did his life with HIV affect the way he behaved in the end? His self-esteem seemed over-dependant on pleasing men sexually. Perhaps he couldn't relate to me without it. I see that often in the gay community, regardless of HIV status. As for me, I lost a friend to misunderstanding.

I have never had a close friend die of AIDS, but it has impacted my life indirectly. I had one sexual experience with a man when I was 19, in 1983. After that I was terrified. How much did AIDS contribute to my internalized homophobia, the internal force that kept me in the church and out of trouble? Probably more than I realized. I have met and read about gay men who hid from the epidemic by becoming celibate, who stopped seeing their friends. That's not so different from the way I stayed alive. I had no sexual contact with men for almost 13 years.

I spent the early 90s writing news releases for a large charity. Much of my awareness of AIDS came from information about our relief and development programs in Africa. And in Thailand, where we worked to provide support and information for girls in the sex trade.

One day in 1995 my wife came home and told me she had gone for an HIV test. It was the right thing to do, but she did it for the wrong reason. She wanted to see my reaction, whether the news would upset me. I didn't need her to tell me she was negative, because I had been faithful. Of course I was upset: she had gone without my knowledge. I was bewildered and grief-stricken because it signalled the breakdown of our trust.

I remember being afraid, but I'm not anymore. It has become a practical concern. Around the time when I came out in 1996 I had several friends who were very ill, at least one of them in the ex-gay movement. Then they started taking protease inhibitors and recovered. They're still alive today.

HIV affects the sexual and emotional politics of my life. But these days I have far fewer sexual partners than I did two years ago, mostly people I know well, so I rarely need to negotiate about safe sex. I can hardly imagine what 1983 to 1996 must have been like for most of the people who are my friends now. I believe if I had become sexually active at 19 I would be dead. The work is not done, but I am thankful for the diverse paths that have kept me and my friends alive until now.





Recommended reading:

• ruralrob's journal


• The Wild Swans, a fantasy novel by pegkerr