Epiphany?

Mary at twilight.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jon left a message on my voice mail yesterday. On his way home from work he had seen me running up the steps of the Church of Our Lady Immaculate. He wondered jokingly whether I had had an epiphany.

Perhaps I have, but it had nothing to do with Mary, Jesus or the Saints. All week I have been thinking about letting go. Of striving mostly. But in my phone conversation with Daniel the other day he pointed out that we can let go of having to change and become something different from what we are, without letting go of changing the way we do things. In fact that is the point of letting go, that we can escape from the rubble of habits, preconceptions and unfulfilled desires that have shaped our existence and behaviour.

I want to become more self-sufficient, escape from unhealthy dependency. I want to look after myself instead of watching the army of lost opportunities crowd around. I need to change the way I approach problems.

What exactly do I need to let go of? Fear perhaps. Even more, it is distraction. One of the enemies of my life has been boredom, but really it is a cover for avoiding the challenges. I spend hours of every day circling the actions which are needful without ever embracing them. Letting go is no excuse for avoidance, yet I lose my way in small entertainments that defer action. I must ride the wave—the edge of what is needful—not let fear slide me down the bottomless slope of despair.

My real reason for running up the steps of the church was to take pictures. I had gone downtown to refill my prescription with camera on hand. Emerging from Norfolk Pharmacy I saw twilight falling on the great church on the hill, Guelph's most outstanding landmark. It catches daylight in so many ways, all fascinating. I was running to catch the last light of day behind Mary and the church.

The real reason for Jon's phone call yesterday was that we had agreed to go out somewhere this weekend. As it turned out, we went to the Renaissance in Kitchener last night for a few games of pool, a couple drinks and a long chat. The Ren was the first bar I attended regularly after I came out, with a group of new acquaintances every second Thursday evening. The place has grown odder in my perception, probably annoying to some people, but highly amusing to me. I wouldn't have minded just sitting quietly for a while, watching people come and go, flirting and laughing, the cast of light on glasses and bottles, the rhythm of dance music and movement of bodies on the dance floor. But Jon was ready to go at midnight, so we returned home.

On Monday he will start a new job in Kitchener, a move he has been trying to make for a long time. The commute time will be better for him. He will probably move to Kitchener eventually, so it's just as well we didn't get an apartment together.

It was my first time in a bar in several months. My attitude toward it has changed. I didn't expect to meet anyone, just catch up with my friend. It's easier to appreciate human behaviour when you observe it without loneliness and desperation.




A ghostly image of MacDonell Street in downtown Guelph, viewed from in the front of the Church. I'll leave the weird sky lights and coiling mist to your interpretation.


( +1, Church and Lady )