![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaneramos
Mary at twilight. 
~~~~~~~~~~
Jon left a message on my voice mail yesterday. On his way home from work he had seen me running up the steps of the Church of Our Lady Immaculate. He wondered jokingly whether I had had an epiphany.
Perhaps I have, but it had nothing to do with Mary, Jesus or the Saints. All week I have been thinking about letting go. Of striving mostly. But in my phone conversation with Daniel the other day he pointed out that we can let go of having to change and become something different from what we are, without letting go of changing the way we do things. In fact that is the point of letting go, that we can escape from the rubble of habits, preconceptions and unfulfilled desires that have shaped our existence and behaviour.
I want to become more self-sufficient, escape from unhealthy dependency. I want to look after myself instead of watching the army of lost opportunities crowd around. I need to change the way I approach problems.
What exactly do I need to let go of? Fear perhaps. Even more, it is distraction. One of the enemies of my life has been boredom, but really it is a cover for avoiding the challenges. I spend hours of every day circling the actions which are needful without ever embracing them. Letting go is no excuse for avoidance, yet I lose my way in small entertainments that defer action. I must ride the wave—the edge of what is needful—not let fear slide me down the bottomless slope of despair.
My real reason for running up the steps of the church was to take pictures. I had gone downtown to refill my prescription with camera on hand. Emerging from Norfolk Pharmacy I saw twilight falling on the great church on the hill, Guelph's most outstanding landmark. It catches daylight in so many ways, all fascinating. I was running to catch the last light of day behind Mary and the church.
The real reason for Jon's phone call yesterday was that we had agreed to go out somewhere this weekend. As it turned out, we went to the Renaissance in Kitchener last night for a few games of pool, a couple drinks and a long chat. The Ren was the first bar I attended regularly after I came out, with a group of new acquaintances every second Thursday evening. The place has grown odder in my perception, probably annoying to some people, but highly amusing to me. I wouldn't have minded just sitting quietly for a while, watching people come and go, flirting and laughing, the cast of light on glasses and bottles, the rhythm of dance music and movement of bodies on the dance floor. But Jon was ready to go at midnight, so we returned home.
On Monday he will start a new job in Kitchener, a move he has been trying to make for a long time. The commute time will be better for him. He will probably move to Kitchener eventually, so it's just as well we didn't get an apartment together.
It was my first time in a bar in several months. My attitude toward it has changed. I didn't expect to meet anyone, just catch up with my friend. It's easier to appreciate human behaviour when you observe it without loneliness and desperation.
A ghostly image of MacDonell Street in downtown Guelph, viewed from in the front of the Church. I'll leave the weird sky lights and coiling mist to your interpretation.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Fear, boredom and avoidance...
Date: 2005-01-08 09:16 pm (UTC)Fear perhaps. Even more, it is distraction. One of the enemies of my life has been boredom, but really it is a cover for avoiding the challenges.
Interesting point and how alike we are in that statement. I don't really fear failing (well, in some things) but I get distracted. It's like Jack on Will and Grace. He has the attention span of a flea. I do too. If something more sparkling and shiney comes along, I'm attracted to it putting other projects on hold.
Maybe a resolution, or goal, might be to shut down the distractions and focus on things that will grow your life.
I don't know if this helped but I think I understand where you're coming from...HUGS!
Re: Fear, boredom and avoidance...
Date: 2005-01-08 09:44 pm (UTC)For years I believed I had a short attention span, but actually I have great attention for anything that distracts me from my problems. I don't know whether it helps to eliminate those distractions altogether, but maybe to defer our need for instant gratification or entertainment.
One of my worst distractions is computer games. But if I cut them out altogether, I would probably find something else to distract me, like porn, or maybe something worse, like alcohol. Rather than denying ourselves things we enjoy (the shiny stuff!), it's better to seek balance by taking them in moderation.
A couple hours ago I wrote a list of four things I would like to accomplish today: wash the dishes, put away the laundry, write a chapter of my novel, and resume an art project I started a few days ago. So I got up and did the dishes, then I came back and played on the computer for a bit; now I'll tackle one of the other tasks. Even if I accomplish three of the things on my list, it will be a pretty good day, and then I don't need to beat myself up about the distractions.
The thing is, when I get bogged down for hours and hours without doing anything productive, I need to stop and ask myself what I'm avoiding. Often it's simply a phone call or housework.
Re: Fear, boredom and avoidance...
Date: 2005-01-09 04:09 am (UTC)Yes! -- I'm going to try to do this....
Re: Fear, boredom and avoidance...
Date: 2005-01-09 04:22 am (UTC)Re: Fear, boredom and avoidance...
Date: 2005-01-10 06:08 pm (UTC)List six things you want to accomplish today. They can be small or large but list them. Do only six because five is too few and ten is too many. You'll usually find if you do that and keep to your list, you'll accomplish much more than just thinking about what needs to be done.
The other system is from the Franklin Planner. Spend about 15 minutes thinking about all the things you need to accomplish. Be specific. List them out entirely. Then using A, B, or C, determine their importance. A would be today, B would be within the week, and C are longer termed items. Once you have done that, then put a 1, 2, or 3 (and you could have more) after the letter you assigned each task. 1 should be done immediately then followed by 2 and so on. This ensures you get the stuff done in a timely manner.
HUGS!
Re: Fear, boredom and avoidance...
Date: 2005-01-08 10:18 pm (UTC)So now that I've done the dishes and laundry, maybe I'll have a creative evening.
My art and writing projects might be analgous to whatever new directions you envision for your life. Often it's the annoying, mundane stuff, like dirty laundry, that gets in the way.
Re: Fear, boredom and avoidance...
Date: 2005-01-10 06:05 pm (UTC)Oh well...isn't life grand?
Re: Fear, boredom and avoidance...
Date: 2005-01-10 06:35 pm (UTC)accomplishments / photography
Date: 2005-01-08 10:04 pm (UTC)I've been staring at it for quite a while wondering at it.
Re: accomplishments / photography
Date: 2005-01-08 10:29 pm (UTC)Re: accomplishments / photography
Date: 2005-01-09 04:32 am (UTC)Re: accomplishments / photography
Date: 2005-01-09 04:43 am (UTC)Re: accomplishments / photography
Date: 2005-01-09 05:21 pm (UTC)Re: accomplishments / photography
Date: 2005-01-09 05:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-09 12:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-09 12:46 am (UTC)