Out in the world

Brenna at Fort George


Between 1998 and 2001 I often went days at a time without leaving my apartment or speaking to anyone. It protected me from anxiety and conflict, but also that thing we all crave, intimacy.

I've worked hard to establish better balance between solitude and society. Emerging from hermitage, one must yield control. People are unpredictable. Even grocery clerks can take you by surprise sometimes. The past two weeks have been crammed with activity and contact: my daughters, parents, lover, friends, strangers.

When panic strikes, sometimes I experience the same sensation I get from vertigo: like my pelvis is turning to water. Maybe this comes from the primeval instinct of a submissive individual to cower before an alpha male. Conditioning has taught me to respond differently. One mustn't crumple to the floor during a job interview. But resisting nature requires energy.

March Break has been wonderful, but I'm tired. Today Marian and I will pick up Brenna then spend the night in Toronto. Tomorrow we'll go to the One of a Kind show before heading to my parents' place for Easter.

Then I'll be ready for a few days secluded at home to rest, organize and refocus for the next challenge.