Anniversary of a memory

May 18, 2003 was one of the single most lovely and memorable days of my life. It was nothing remarkable, just a drive and hike in the countryside with my daughters, but it recorded itself so well in my mind and here on LJ in images and music that I can hold onto it as long as my mind lasts.

Most of the pics in my journal before the end of June 2003, when wonderboymi started hosting my images, have been removed from the Internet. Last night I replaced the three shots that appeared in the May 18 entry.

Go see.

For the musical reference, here are mp3 clips from Joachim Rodrigo's Concierto Andaluz for Four Guitars and Orchestra (1967): Bolero; Adagio; Allegretto. Born in Spain in 1901, Rodrigo went blind as a child and wrote his music in Braille. He died in 1999. This had been one of my best "feel good" pieces for a few years, but now I can never hear it without remembering that radiant car ride.

Physicists are discovering that time is not as linear as we perceive it. It is good to recall past happiness not with longing but with knowledge that it's a part of who we are, which can never be taken away.

Anxiety group, week 2

Safe: on Kingsmill Avenue, Sunday afternoon


I had my second anxiety group meeting today. I like it so far. One woman rides the same bus from downtown, and she greeted me when I boarded today.

Last week in the course of the meeting I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. Even chest pains. I don't understand why. All I can guess is, I had sympathy panic for the eight other anxious participants, one woman so terrified she never looked up from her lap.

A panic attack is the fight-or-flight response. In panic disorder they occur for no reason, occasionally even waking me from a dead sleep. They cannot be controlled. Therapy can reduce their frequency and severity.

Strange to say, I'm not afraid of panic attacks. I've had them since my teens, didn't know what they were, only knew I had to hide them to avoid being a sissy. I'm very good at hiding them. In the midst of it last week, I was able to talk about it matter-of-factly. Meanwhile feeling like I was ready to die. For 12 minutes one becomes utterly distracted.

I didn't panic today.

On the bus home I saw a woman who looked like Audrey Hepburn.