The Likeability Factor

Saturday eveing: the top of the hill


Point, from Tim Sanders in The Likeability Factor:

If you raise your Likeability Factor, you will harness one of life’s most powerful forces. You will see it everywhere you go, and you will wonder why you never thought about it before. You will discover that nothing feels better, and is better for everyone around you, than achieving the highest Likeability Factor possible . . .

Counterpoint: From Edmund J. Bourne, PhD, in The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook:

People may be unable to express warmth or acceptance toward me for reasons having nothing to do with me....People who find fault with me may be projecting their own faults, which they can't admit to having, onto me....There will always be people who just won't like me—no matter what I do....It's not necessary to receive the approval of everyone I meet in order to live a happy and meaningful life—especially if I believe in and respect myself.

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M, the facilitator of the anxiety group, directed us to the likeability quiz at TimSanders.com. I took it today. My score was abysmal.

M's suggestion was not an endorsement. Tim's book exemplifies the self-defeating standards people set for themselves. I shouldn't criticize too thoroughly before I read it, but I don't intend to do so. Sure, my social skills could stand improvement. But there's a word for relying too much on what people think and want from you. It's co-dependency.

According to The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, there are four personality traits that perpetuate anxiety. The one that rings loudest for me is "the excessive need for approval." All my life I've had an ambition to be well-liked. The Christian experience urged us to be "good witnesses," models of godly love on Earth. Talk about impossible standards.

Rationally, I know it's possible to like someone most of the time and tolerate not liking the person sometimes. Or thoroughly adore someone while compassionately aware of his imperfections.

I'll probably never stop craving love and attention. But I seek to derive more satisfaction and reassurance from simply being what I want, while being willing to take risks with intimacy, even make mistakes.