The Likeability Factor

[vaneramos]

Saturday eveing: the top of the hill


Point, from Tim Sanders in The Likeability Factor:

If you raise your Likeability Factor, you will harness one of life’s most powerful forces. You will see it everywhere you go, and you will wonder why you never thought about it before. You will discover that nothing feels better, and is better for everyone around you, than achieving the highest Likeability Factor possible . . .

Counterpoint: From Edmund J. Bourne, PhD, in The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook:

People may be unable to express warmth or acceptance toward me for reasons having nothing to do with me....People who find fault with me may be projecting their own faults, which they can't admit to having, onto me....There will always be people who just won't like me—no matter what I do....It's not necessary to receive the approval of everyone I meet in order to live a happy and meaningful life—especially if I believe in and respect myself.

~~~~~~~~~~

M, the facilitator of the anxiety group, directed us to the likeability quiz at TimSanders.com. I took it today. My score was abysmal.

M's suggestion was not an endorsement. Tim's book exemplifies the self-defeating standards people set for themselves. I shouldn't criticize too thoroughly before I read it, but I don't intend to do so. Sure, my social skills could stand improvement. But there's a word for relying too much on what people think and want from you. It's co-dependency.

According to The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, there are four personality traits that perpetuate anxiety. The one that rings loudest for me is "the excessive need for approval." All my life I've had an ambition to be well-liked. The Christian experience urged us to be "good witnesses," models of godly love on Earth. Talk about impossible standards.

Rationally, I know it's possible to like someone most of the time and tolerate not liking the person sometimes. Or thoroughly adore someone while compassionately aware of his imperfections.

I'll probably never stop craving love and attention. But I seek to derive more satisfaction and reassurance from simply being what I want, while being willing to take risks with intimacy, even make mistakes.

Comments

[that-dang-otter.livejournal.com]

Hm, what comes to mind in reading that "likeability" stuff is that it is confusing professional / formal interactions for friendship.

If I were to make a guide for how computer consultants should conduct themselves in business, it would look a lot like that.

If I were to make a guide to how someone should behave with a friend, it would look very different.

Likeability is not a minor thing - people are attracted to those who give them what they want. Like, duh. But being a whore about it seems as self-destructive as being surly and unpleasant all the time. That's just not the way people operate in real life.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The factors that attract and repel people are irrational, often even unhealthy. We all like different things, and part of maturity is learning to like things that are good for us. Also, to be what we like, rather than demanding it of other people.

The difference you pointed out between business and social interactions is one of the essential problems I have to face. For someone with a mood disorder, I might be asking too much of myself to have to "put on" different behaviour 40 hours a week. I'm not saying I could never learn how to get along with people well enough to function happily in a steady job, but I would be happiest in circumstances offering me freedom to work alone when I need to. There are numerous examples of creative people who achieve success despite having difficult or reclusive personalities. But part of this process involves scrutinizing the standards by which I measure my own success.

[artricia.livejournal.com]

What this makes me think of is how the world changes when I'm nice to people. Not the nice of just being myself and not being mean, but the nice of feeling happy, smiling, and saying hello to folks or striking up random impromptu conversations. People are nice to me back, and the whole world works great.

I don't know how well that would work if I weren't happy first, though. But it's probably something I should experiment with. Even if I'm just so-so on the happiness scale, maybe I should try it out.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The problem, which I didn't state clearly here, is that people with anxiety disorder try too hard to be nice and take it too personally when people don't respond the right way. I never learned what it meant to just be myself, I was too preoccupied with acting happy. There must be a balance somewhere.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how to read this, but when *I* scored the quiz according to what I've seen of people's reactions to you, you did pretty well. So while the test is BS cause it's all about trying to get people to buy his books and videos and tests and lectures and keychains and mugs and monogrammed toilet paper ... perhaps one is also inclined to score oneself too harshly?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Our facilitator's point was that people with anxiety disorders are overly concerned with trying to be likeable, in fact we are usually very likeable and our personalities tend to endear us to those around us. Of course we will judge ourselves too harshly. This test really is useless. My time will be better spent working on assertiveness than likeability.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

I wonder if assertiveness is another word for competitiveness?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Competitiveness is the urge to win. I've known competitive people who were not assertive, but devious and malicious. Assertiveness is stating one's case, demanding one's rights and exerting influence honestly. Good alliances depend on it.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

I wll have to think about this more ... you seem to have a clear picture of the difference but it's pretty muddy to me. My experince of "assertiveness" is that when you have to conciously assert yourself it's usually cause someone else is (competitively) trying to take what's yours.

BTW this is about me me me, not a sideways comment on you :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Assertiveness can certainly be a response to competitiveness. But it can also be proactive.

Anxious people tend to let their expectations go unspoken and unfulfilled, for fear that, "If I'm too demanding, people won't like me." Another passive and self-defeating approach is, "If he really cared about me, I wouldn't have to ask." I've been through both those headspaces. They usually lead to disappointment and resentment. Assertiveness can simply mean telling people what we want and negotiating, so the outcome is beneficial for everyone involved.

[stephe.livejournal.com]

You will discover that nothing feels better, and is better for everyone around you, than achieving the highest Likeability Factor possible . . .

Until such time as all truth is welcomed everywhere and passion, even for something not universally liked, is accepted as one of the highest goods, this statement will continue to be pure, unmitigated bullshit.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Haha, thank you for putting it that way!

[trinapink.livejournal.com]

I think Bourne is right. You cannot control what people think, and trying to do so is co-dependent (not to mention self-defeating). I had an old boyfriend who used to say (on a regular basis), very sweetly, "Katrina, the world doesn't revolve around you." He said it whenever I was assuming somebody else's bad attitude or behavior was my fault. It was a good lesson, very freeing.

On the other hand, I don't think "being likeable" (I'm assuming that's what Likeability Factor means) necessarily implies you are trying to control what others think. I think you can work on being a better/nicer/kinder person simply because you value that as a character trait. Then, whether or not people respond to your positive qualities is irrelevant (an ideal, I know, and hard to reach).

But then, that's part of the problem with co-dependency. You can't always recognize it by the behaviors; it's the motive behind the behaviors that makes something co-dependent. Or so I understand it.

Neither here nor there, but I find your online persona, at least, very likeable. And that's a great, new icon too!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Apparently I am fairly likeable in person, too, although shy in most circumstances. That icon is actually one of my oldest, taken about four years ago. I don't use it very often, only when it is advantageous or amusing to make myself look angry.

[apel.livejournal.com]

that_dang_otter makes a very good point about behaving differently in different contexts. The one-size-fits-all just doesn't work when it comes to relationships. I also share your apprehension about where social skills end and people pleasing starts. That's not an easy line to draw.

On the other hand, I've also seen how much less anxiety I have about people liking me, the more social skills I have and use. If I can deal with the mundane stuff -- making small talk, not getting caught in random stranger's moods, driving in a way that is assertive without getting me honked at etc. -- then I can relax and be me and be more detached about the outcome.

So having some theoretical knowledge and confidence that I can use it, helps me. On the whole seeing it as a skill to acquire rather than something that determines whether I'm a good or bad person, makes it less loaded for me. Amusingly that got a lot easier when I moved abroad.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Amusingly that got a lot easier when I moved abroad.

That's interesting. I wonder if moving to a new place is anything like a religious conversion, or coming out. It gives one a chance to experiment with a new identity and different behaviours without being judged in relationship to the past. When I came out and lost my old social network, I stopped using my first name and started using my middle one. The change invigorated me. For a while I became more active and extraverted.

[thewindrose.livejournal.com]

Interesting stuff.

My personal problem in this area is that I was raised to "be nice to everyone" which equated to being everyone's friend. This can be just as self destructive as relying too much on what people think of you. In my case it meant that I kept some people as friends who I shouldn't have. Instead of the relationships being equal give and take, these were people who were whirling holes of negative energy. They sucked all that I had to give and more. Coming to accept that I could end these friendship was a huge thing for me, and one that I still struggle with.

Ultimately though, it has helped me to be who I am. I am comfortable in letting like to call to like and I don't feel I have to fit into anyone else's mold. I know I have improvement to do on inner issues, but now I do it for myself - because I want to, not because I feel I have to. It's very liberating. Good for you for examining your own inner issues this way!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, realizing that I don't have to be nice to people who are unfriendly to me is part of what this is all about. I can't say that I'm free yet.