Filtering

Every Wednesday, Two Rivers Community Group has a potluck lunch. Everyone is welcome. It's like extended family. Yesterday was Christmas dinner complete with turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce.

I'm adjusting to work okay, but not so much the social aspects. People talk about their personal lives at these gatherings: parenting, engagements rings, restraining orders, dates, the whole nine yards. This is appropriate. It's a community development organization, with community an extension of family.

I talk about my kids, but there it stops.

I was never the kind of person who kept my personal life separate. I like talking about my significant people. But here I'm filtering myself again.

I'm making myself an outsider.

I came home from lunch upset, and again today after leaving the office. I did grocery shopping with Sylvie, came home, made dinner, and washed dishes. Once I had quiet space in which to think, my anxiety level started rising acutely, and that horrid voice that says I can't go on. Fortunately phone calls with Danny and Marian this evening grounded me somewhat.

I've set a goal of starting to come out to the people I work with, after Christmas holidays. Otherwise I'll drive myself crazy again.